Roll away your stone, I'll roll away mine. Together we can see what we will find...

Don't leave me alone at this time. For I'm afraid of what I may discover inside.

I knew something was going to erupt throughout the birthday period! Told you so.

Earlier on in the week, I was reunited with a soul I used to never be apart from, I had desperately wanted to see him since our friendship had hit a two year hiatus. But my confidence was knocked after we no longer understood eachother's humour, and we would talk over each other constantly, no longer knowing when the stories had finished. We didn't even discuss why he'd so ruthlessly cut me out of his life.

Things got better and we arranged to meet again later, with our third musketeer. It was just as uncomfortable, even with the addition of Southern Comfort. I kept thinking, am I being too loud? Am I being too naughty? What is he going to go back and tell his partner?

It wasn't this that got me down though. For when Thursday came again, and the three of us met up for lunch, everything clicked into place. We were united again, laughing at bad circumstances thrown at us, laughing at bad circumstances that we had managed to avoid, just generally laughing. We had finally got to that wonderful state we were in years ago. And I had never had so much fun.

So maybe it was the haircut disaster? I had had lunch with another old friend, discussed the same stuff we ever do, and also of haircuts. It was both enlightening and moreish; we really must make it a regular occurrence, for his sanity more than mine. My time for the haircut came, so lunch ended.

I trundled out for a few miles, got the dye on (just a brown please) and then waited for it to develop. The past few weeks, all I had imagined was what I could potentially look like on my birthday night out, with a gorgeous little jumpsuit I'd bought and my new gorgeously chocolated hair. Not a faded red in sight!

It came to the exciting time of washing it out, and I'm glad I'd opted to do it alone, as I nearly bursted into tears the second I saw red wash out in the water. What the fuck is this?! I was so angry. Not only will I have to dye it again so soon, but my poor beautiful outfit. Ruined!

I didn't even get it blow dried, just cut and I went home. Avoiding the mirrors in the car at all costs, sometimes failing to do so made me see the dark purple mess on my head. I went home and cried, pathetic I know! But, as I texted my friend who I had lunch with prior to the disaster; there is no surprise to leaving a hairdressers unsatisfied. Actual story of my life.

It wasn't this though, for I straightened it and bunged some make up on and I actually looked really nice...really nice!

Even girly night, after being made late, I thought, there is no way in hell they will make me cake or get me a present; something we do for all our birthdays. I thought I would be forgotten. But alas, I could not have been more wrong. They hadn't forgotten me at all, and it was a fantastic present!

So, the big day. Let's just reel off the FANTASTICNESS of it. Tickets to see Fleetwood Mac, that's right. THE Fleetwood Mac, original Rumours line up, minus my Christine McVie which is a shame because I'm really enjoying her right now. Yeah so, best ever right? Once in a lifetime opportunity, so good. And my bloody Papa gave me a photo of my car; at first I thought he was just highlighting my love of photos, after he explained to me it meant the car was now mine, all debts written off. I was on cloud 9! I heard from who I wanted on the birthday wishes front. Chaz took me to Padstow, we had a meal at Rick Stein's chippy, went shopping in Truro and watched a film in the cinema (very apt). I genuinely felt like a princess. What amazing people I have in my life. So maybe it was because of all the greatness of these days that after it, it all crashed down?

It comes to the birthday night out, one hun cancels. The other huns come out, complain all night about how they don't want to be out and I get my bloody mood out. I couldn't help but feel that I didn't want this. Just wanted to run away, taking the good with me. I made it known.

"Jess it's your birthday! You're in the Ben and The Chain is on!"

That was what sorted me out. I danced to Paradise By The Dashboard Light and all 4 hours negativity was gone.

And it turns out that the good wanted to run with me too.

It wasn't even that bad, just wish I hadn't made it bad and put a downer on it. Need to have so much more belief in my friends and family. It shows how amazing they are. It really was the best year ever. I hope the dreams of running away go soon, it is draining.

P.S I am NEVER going to wear a jumpsuit out again, had to take it all off every time I went to the toilet! All that heartache, for what ended up being the worst outfit in history. There's gotta be a lesson to be learnt here, right?

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Location:Maiden Street,,United Kingdom

One more round before the final, and the subject is sport

I don't know what it is about the time around my birthday that makes me anxious and sad.

I seem to have it in my mind that this day is the conclusion of everything I deserve from what I have put in since last February.

Laughs upon laughs at girly night, then when it comes to planning a birthday night out, they can't afford it.

Lack of birthday wishes from people who once held the date heavy on their hearts.

I need to bloody snap out of it, grow up and be happy with what I do get. I know it is so immature, I recognise that! But at the end of every January, the feeling soon rears its ugly head.

What else could be worse than the birthday blues? A bad trip to the hairdressers; what a lethally depression combination. I asked for brown! Not red! And it's turned out purple. And I really needed a thorough cut, which, judging by the lack of hair on the floor, did not occur.

Give it a bloody rest Jess, it's only a haircut. I have to laugh about it all really, otherwise I really would cry.


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Location:Saint Michael's Road,Stratton,United Kingdom

We're more like best friends

I have been in a metaphorical pickle for a while now, questioning the meaning of life every night at 12am, even if my alarm is set for 4:45am. Not only is it tiring, but it is upsetting and tedious also.

I have a vision though; it's as if it is a screenshot of the future in my head. Doesn't even seem fictional or even too farfetched.

I don't know whether I should do things to aid it happening? I think I'll just carry on doing whatever, and if it's meant to happen then something will unravel...
A really nice thought though, looks perfect in fact. Which is just what every person in history wants for their life. Oh I hope it does happen! Last time I had a vision like this, I genuinely, 100% thought Strider from Blazin' Squad and I were going to end up together...

That probably didn't happen just because Jess took Frankie to the concert instead of me...

High hopes. Cute, little, hairy babies.

I know it's getting harder to be you

Just thought I'd express a moment of sheer happiness.

That moment when, you're a teenage girl (obviously) who has just discovered this fabulous band that are completely new to you (well not completely new, as you saw them on music channels before, but disregarded them because of the beards - silly girl). You literally cannot stop listening to this one song, and have it on repeat for around 300 turns. You like it so much that you decide to do further research, download the majority of their songs which come at the top of 'limewire' and then give them all a listen to see if you love them too.

Weeks later, you're still crazy on the band. In fact you are so in love in with the lead singer, you watch every single video and 'screenshot' it when he looks 'cute'. You also do some bullshit edits in paint of the two of you hugging (remember; teenage girl). You do even more research, desperately wanting more so you google the discography...oh wait, there's one you haven't downloaded yet. Might check out those lyrics...

You read along through, yeah they sound nice. Oh wait a minute...there's a name in it? Oh wait! It's your bloody name!!! In black and white, on the second album. No one can take this away from you. This isn't a shit picture you've made on a shit program, this is on their record.

You scramble to download it immediately, and as it plays you follow the lyrics with great anticipation until around one and a half minutes, and there it is; the screeched confession of loving you back.

I cannot wait to see the Kings of Leon this June.




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Location:Maiden Street,Stratton,United Kingdom

I turn the music up, I got my records on

I cannot believe how many people have apologised to me in the last few months. This isn't even over little things; big fall outs which have lasted months/years. And everyone seems to have just decided to like me again in November, December and January all of a sudden?

Am I a little more endearing than I was in 2011? Have I calmed down in my annoying and loud habits? Or maybe they have just realised I was never wanted the outcome of a fallout in the first place.

I genuinely thought that maybe I was a bit mental in how I reacted to reactions...but I am glad I stood my ground. Maybe I genuinely hadn't done anything at all? Them apologising obviously meant they recognised that it was in fact them who had made us no longer talk to each other.

Don't get me wrong; I make mistakes. I know I can be annoying, and highlight problems. I don't keep things bottled up to worry about; I like to deal with things head on, it may not be the best approach, but it's only ever to reach a solution which I think is where people misunderstand me. I may well sound like an asshole, but I mentioned it because I don't like it, and I'm mentioning it so we can sort it before I end up not liking it beyond repair.

Obviously some apologies have been accepted simply to make social events less awkward, some have been welcomed with open wide arms (bloody missed you) and one hasn't been accepted at all.

Roll on 2013; where the bad people are cut out instead of slagged off. You only get 10,000,000 chances with me! (Really have bloody missed you).

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Location:Corner Gardens,Stratton,United Kingdom

What is it with you and sport?

Sometimes I like to actually stick to my New Years resolutions...a whole year and not a single cigarette. Not a sausage, or even a drag!

I really do hope I can fulfill my next one throughout 2013; to work hard and be nice to people. I want to be respected and get things done, as well as having a clear conscience. All is going well so far; I've been trying to throw myself into situations I would have usually flat out avoided. They may not have always been successful, but I did then anyway! And it resulted in me coming home and crying... I've also only slagged off Debbie, but that's only because, honestly, no one gives a shit if you're allergic to nuts. Plus I wanted a text from Lucy :).

Today, well, recently has been quite a struggle. I am very much going through a mid twenty crisis. I am absolutely terrible with regards to believing the term "the grass is always greener on the other side". I have got to realise that even if I was on the other side, I would just as much want to be here. I have got to start enjoying what I have got and making the most of it.

Or I could save all my money, run off to Alaska and then die in an abandoned minibus because I identified an edible plant incorrectly...

I have a lot to do to grow, and I have a lot to do to improve. But I also have a lot to look forward to. Bring it on .


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Location:Corner Gardens,Stratton,United Kingdom

I was a champion roller skater

Nothing has changed recently, only my attitude. I've had the same friends since I was 11, when we left school we were with each other every weekend, during university years we saw each other in the holidays, and, since then, every Thursday evening we take the time out of our busy schedules, shit relationships and depressing lifestyles to get together and just laugh about it.

It's taken me over ten years to realise this, but they really are my support, the best part of my life! I can be anywhere with them, things may not have gone to plan, but we will still make the best of the situation and just have fun.

This is definitely inspired by a Sex and the City episode (which of my posts aren't? Really!) but they are my soul mates. I can be in the foulest of moods, dare I say it? Suicidal (I am exaggerating greatly) but, plonk me in a room with them, and we'll be laughing about what way to jump off a cliff.

I really hope everyone else has such a great friendship group too, because it is definitely needed! Everyone needs to know that relationships are not the be all and end all. I love Chaz to pieces, but nothing is more assuring than knowing you'll be just fine after your twathole man has cheated on you. With your best friend. Twice. It's gonna happen! (I'm praying it doesn't).

It's nice to know that they will run away with you when you want. It's nice to have a thought and then them saying "I know" and it's nice to have a happy and silly thought which you can text at a stupid time and you know you'll get a reply of "haha yes!!".

I am always so self deprecating, but no matter how shit I am, my friends really are anything but. Jesus, I actually love them. Roll on the next 90 years.




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Location:Fore Street,Stratton,United Kingdom

Money is the anthem of success

Please, please say this is the ending. I don't know whether I could make the other ending happen .


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You can't normalise. Don't it make you feel alive

Life has been full and full of sorting recently; sorting through relationships, memories, food and just stuff! Of course there are the few bits and pieces which I thought I would benefit from if I kept, but I've been ruthless from a completely selfish point of view, so I chucked them. Maybe some of it I shouldn't have disposed of, but that's my bed to snooze in. Plus I never would have worn that top.

Decluttering is at it's peak since I moved out from home, I simply have too much stuff! I have to ask my loved one to give up what three drawers he actally does have so I have room for all seven million of my bikinis. Absolutely ridiculous. I've also been dabbling in the world of Ebay, trying to let go of some DVDs which weren't sitting too comfortably on my brimming white bookcase. And boy is it exciting! One bid, 12 watchers and still three days to go. Wish me luck, so that I can treat my sister's on their birthdays as well as do what is on my financial to do list, so I can fucking relax a bit more.

From all this work, my insecurities, I think, are just about gone. If there is one thing I've learnt from my friends, I may not have the legs or tits they quite want; but my eyelashes are quite sought after it seems. Could be worse. I feel I'm ready to forget about all the silly irrational things that sent my mind mental, by writing the names of the people I'm insanely jealous of onto a piece of paper and letting them blow far out into the wind. Out of my mind.

Note I'm not burning them quite yet...might want to come back to them still. Oh Jess, you really are bloody mental. Oh well, swings and roundabouts you know hun? At least, with the friends I actually have left, and the new ones I have made, I can have a good old laugh about bullshit situations. Yippedy skiibop.

Once this bid is done with, and this fucking overdraft is reduced dramatically, I will chill out. I'll relax. I really need to.

Cue lovely holiday. Oh wait, NO MONEY. It's alright Jess, at least you have a car.

30 - 40

The ultimate, "I'll sleep when I die" attitude. Alas, it is finally gone, debts won't bladdy pay themselves (as it's taken me two years to work out). I'll just pop upstairs and watch it alone, which is a very scary thought, whilst the future mother-in-law continues watching tennis. I've tried understanding the scoring system but it is simply ridiculous. Oh well, pain is beauty and all that...



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Keep your head up, keep your heart strong

Another new year and with it comes the resolutions. However, due to my impressive acts over the last year, giving up smoking is not one of them. Neither is cutting loose the people who I felt made me feel bad about myself. As much of a cliche it is, you do only live once, so why have people around that make you feel bad about things that you honestly don't think was that bad in the first place? The feelings mutal, I'm not on my high horse or anything.

To say I've struggled without three people, who, this time last year, I considered to be the most important, is an understatement. But good things come to those who wait. Grass is always greener. You snooze, you lose.

The year ahead should, in theory, be happier and stress free, healthier and (hopefully) financially improved. Beautiful men are where it's at, that's where it's always been. Beautiful Charles.

Who would have thought I would not be a utilitarian? It's hard.

But another thing that isn't hard (or has to be done) is lose weight. Thank you, my wonderful Mexican holiday, not only did it open my eyes to the world, experience different cultures and allowed me to rub the tummy of a dolphin, bit is also provided food which had me on the toilet a million times a day, emptying everything single morsel in there, and making me have a body like a slightly over sized model which seems to have stayed that way since... God bless, and happy new year!

Cant stop

Sharting in my own mouth


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Take those pictures down, and shake it out

Stuck in a rut is my current location. Things seem to be constantly regurgitated and I haven't recieved romantic attention for a long time now. I don't want it all to not pay off...I fear things have reached that turn around point, where the power you once held has gone to the hands of the other, making you pathetic. Time will tell, I don't dwell on it often, only when I see a nice picture or when I realise I haven't done a lot recently.

A week away from payday, it's always the day I feel best, I no longer need to worry about what I need to do with money. I pay everything I owe and then I'm finally able to sleep at night.

After tomorrow I shall be feeling fabulous. Not only do I feel optimistic about finding romantic attention (there is a pie I am considering) tomorrow night, My best friend is coming back from Greece for a week, and then my other best friend will be returning from his Northern clutch. And what could possibly be better to accomodate this? A week of the ever so recently busy work.

I fully intend to be kissed, sunkissed and stoned throughout this next week, I'm far from growing up so I may as well relish in it.

Watch out Bude, for the boys, my white gut, and my laughter. I've gotta feeling...that tonight's gonna be a good week. Oh right. Pie, be out, and the other pie, come back. Still can't face the music, it's been way too long now.



That's how it starts, we go back to your house...




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You can hold her hand, and show her how you cry

Lots and lots of things have been sorted out. With my wages, I calculated the outgoings and took that away from the total, then set some money aside for this months essentials, such as petrol, deoderant, birthday presents and vet bills, and then I divided the rest into four weeks.

It feels good being in control of things. So in control, I have arranged a holiday of my own, flying to Mexico by myself and meeting a friend there. I haven't flown since I was two so it may be a bit daunting, but with most things I find myself underwhelmed so I imagine it'll be just fine. I imagined I would borrow 700 of the finest English pounds from my Papa, boosting the loan I have with all already by an extortionate amount, but that all changed today.

Mum told me of a surprise yesterday morning, saying that after work that evening I would find out what it was, it didn't happen that night, I presumed it would just be my old foster sister coming to visit, as I asked mum if it was a person, she said yes, but then said it wouldn't be family.

So this morning, I return home, and I ask dad if we can book the flights to Mexico, and he tells me to de research on the buses to and from the airport. So I rush upstairs, and then he calls me back downstairs as there is someone to see me. He gestures me to the back door and my next door neighbour is perched on his steps. I automatically become anxious, as the last time this happened, Dave had given me £1000. My heart starts racing as I see he holds an envelope behind his back. He hands it over, saying that he was offered a job in America and he turned it down and he regretted it, and then he hands me over an envelope, with "Jess, Mexico bound" on the front. I hug him and then tell him he is the greatest person in the world, along with roughly a million thank yous, and then I retreat back to the comfort of my own home to open it. Another cheque for £1000. I am officially the luckiest girl in the world. I really hope I deserve it. I hope he doesn't regret his decision and I make him proud.

Just some things in life you just can't believe.

Splish splash I was taking a bath

This week, employment-wise, is going to kill me. I have so many more hours to do until I can relax again.

Payday is today, I have had to plan every last detail, even pennies, to ensure that this month I will be able to support the life I have made myself. After all spendings, I'm looking at having roughly £25 a week. Such a hard knock life.

Everything is just revolving around plans, what my money will be spent on, who's available, who wants the same kind of things in life.

Next month I should be feeling better, financially, just craving that spontanaity my life needs a dash of right now.

I need money to get there though, and severe planning. Catch 22? Or just a big massive poo, probably a mixture of the two. I truly hope my bov for life rating reduces a considerable amount this time tomorrow.

Forever, The Drama Queen.

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Location:Burn View,Bude,United Kingdom

It's more than a feeling when I hear that old song they used to play

After an extremely hard working week, I am ready to fully embrace this next week off. I actually feel like I deserve it. Sleeping is getting better, I don't need a film to send to sleep these days. Must get more comfortable pillows though.

The future week is looking nice and full, should keep my mind from the lack of money and cigarettes. Pig has just informed me that he will no longer support my disgusting habit after today, finally putting his foot down. So, a haircut on the Monday. I hate not being able to dye my hair, but there was a reminder why on Eggheads a couple of days ago. Hopefully a shorter fringe will feed my craving for change. Tuesday will (hopefully) be my last driving lesson with the lovely Rob, sometimes I just like to think I'll fail so I can see him again and talk about our crazy drunken escapades and love for Fleetwood Mac. Other times I just think, come on, pass your fucking test it's been ages. So that will hopefully be on Wednesday. Thursday I shall pack and Friday I shall depart to another county to wish happiness within my sister's marriage.

So eventful, this is what growing up is made of. I'm starting to think I should start getting there now, think I'll give my bad single self a good send off at the end of 2011, plenty of time right? Plenty of time to do stupid things that no right minded person of the age of 22 would ever do. I like licking fucking stones alright? And making up parodies about assholes. Still though, America is starting to be almost a certainty, just gotta rely on money and good planning. I've mastered one, the events of this week will determine of whether I have mastered the other.

Thanks guys

Guy #1:"Maybe we should think about being together for real?"

"What? I thought you wanted to take things slow?"

Guy #1:"Yeah, buts it's been months now!"

"Wow, ok, wasn't expecting that. Yeah alright. Let's do it"

Literally days later...

Guy #1"I don't think this will work..."

Guy #2: "I get crazy jealous about you, I think that when I get back and if things are still the same between us, we should give things a go. You up for that?"

"Wow, ok, wasn't expecting that. Yeah alright. Let's do it"

Just... never replies to texts. Why bother even instigating it?! Cheers boys. I've got a rocket and you and your mates are going on it. And never coming back.

Well, until next week or something.




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Let's get together before we get much older

I've got to the end of the party stage...I'm starting to regret everything all at once. It seems like uni was the biggest waste of 3 years of my life. I didn't even have that much fun, and at the moment I don't even see a career within graphics or journalism. Should have just done a degree in Sainsbury's. I really, like really, hope I manage to pass my driving test later this month, just so that I've accomplished at last something since I've left uni, other than becoming a slut.

I suppose I've mastered the art of not falling in love with every single guy that shows attention, I think it's a pretty good skill to have so glad I have obtained it. Just hope it doesn't make me numb, hopefully I'll be feeling something soon.

Never felt so independent before, it's so strange. I feel so lonely but I'm never alone. Maybe just alone in my farfetched thoughts and unrealistics goals. I'm hard on myself but it's better this way. So, this weekend, another regurgitated night out in Bude; Drink round Toby's, meet Regard at the Ben and then Da will show up later. Dominate the jukebox with the same songs we play every weekend, and the same songs I play on my phone all week. Go to Rogue, lose Da and maybe get caught dancing by myself and be accused of taking crack. Maybe stumble home with one of three boys. And I can't wait.

All I need to do it pass my test and find a female partner in crime who isn't tainted by the love of a boy, or the consequences of being with one, and I'll be the luckiest person alive.

They can't bring us down

Day 5 - A song that reminds you of someone



The wonderful start to one of my best summers yet (excluding childhood ones, obviously). For the beautiful Tabby; together we can make it. Even if it means we're together just sat in Morrison's carpark, driving round country lanes and emptying your car in the same place every six months. Laughing at certain families and people, and each other. Best sense of humour ever. It's like clothes; you choose the best in the shop that fits and looks just right. Tabby is my favourite methaphorical clothing. She would be my jumper.

Always silent. Always silent now

I wrote something and deleted it. I will continue with the "I'll sleep when I die" attitude, it's the best. Something I saw on Facebook, and thought I would like to participate in; 30 Day Song Challenge. I'm a few days behind, and, being completely honest, might not even end up completing it. But I'm here for the moment.

Day 1: Your favourite song

How can I possibly choose just one song. Actually been sat here a while now, trying to think of what it could possibly be. Basing it on the difficulty of choosing just one song, out of all of them in the world, I will choose my favourite from the last couple of months. The award goes to miss Katy Perry, for the wonderful Teenage Dream.



My ringtone now for the last 6 months, this tune has accompanied me through one of the funnest times of my lives. Meeting such a special person, this song is one that reminds me of them that I can bear to listen to. It's my trademark song at my local. I may well be dancing on a pool table and kissing your boyfriend, but I have a fringe like Katy Perry so I'll sing it like I'm her. And hopefully get a tattoo on my bicep...


Day 2: Your least favourite song

Again, just one? I'm finding it hard to choose between a Gabrielle classic and the bullshit Ace of Spades...fuck it. Sorry Lemmy, your voice is horrible.



Day 3 - A song that makes you happy

Decisions, decisions. I'm just thinking about what songs I can always rely on to perk me up. It's gonna have to be Tusk.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LR_goU4fJA8&feature=related

Not allowed to embed that one. Cheers. Not allowed to make other people happy.

Day 4 - A song that makes you sad

I don't know about making me sad. I listen to songs when I am sad, they're not usually sad, just chilled. Don't know whether to go back to Fleetwood Mac or not...I won't.



I'd do it all for you. I would

Always quiet now

Another new year, another few resolutions but this time with not a future in view.



My best friend is going to give birth to a little girl in two weeks. It's crazy how people are growing up these days. I swear I've been saying that for the last three years of my life. Now that I've almost accomplished my goals (excluding the weight loss one, which is pretty annoying) I have no idea what to make my new ones.

I could either run away and grow up? Write and write to Q until they finally find me funny and offer me a sweet little job following pretty bearded men around. I could use all the cups and chicken salt and pepper pots I have collected over the years to fill my very own little kitchen cupboards. It'll be here where I can entertain friends before nights out of extremely heavy doses of Fleetwood Mac on the old jukebox, and then entertain lovers when I'm a drunken mess.

An alternative to this is to stay put for a while, and after paying all my family debts, start saving for a flight to North America with plenty of savings to cover the costs of purchasing a sexy little van (which runs just fine) over the desirable country. Making lots of friends everywhere I go, I have that cute English accent you see, being remembered as that crazy girl with the little rabbit and the great fondness of Caleb Followill. I'll have different people travelling with me at different times, making the friends for life you always hear about. Making money in little jobs and leaving your mark all over the place, making graphic designer friends who have contacts, who I'll arrange to meet after the flight back to England. Maybe even sleep with Caleb during my two week stay in Tennessee! Wow, that would be nice. Get pregnant, tell everyone that the Jessica mentioned in 'Where Nobody Knows' was actually me.

But what will happen? Possibly stay in the Sainsbury's bakery for the rest of my life.

Life is what you make it, and right now for me that means going out at the weekends and pulling my shorts down so I am just walking around the pub in my crap little pants. I really wish I didn't feel the need to get naked once I've had a few. Aw, I want America to happen. I might just make it you know

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Location:Princes St,Bude,United Kingdom

What if one of us had the guts tonight?

A lot has happened and so much has changed. Luckily this includes the colours of my bedroom walls. Three and a half years has been forgotten in...how many months has it been? Mental. Stacking shelves made me a new person and got me further to the idolised hat. The driving dream has finally been accomplished, quite a happy little driver. Just need to perfect the steering whilst dancing now. I will be out of here by hopefully early next year. I love how all I ever say is how I want to go home, but I just want to grow up and do something. Can't wait to have my own little flat with Robbie and make new friends. Where Tabby will not be writing on the walls... For once I'm the one that's been left behind, for a dream life in Crete, a university course and a baby. Everyone else is growing up and I feel more behind than ever. I've even forgotten how to write, I wonder why the NME don't want me. Probably because I'm bullshit and can't even pass my theory test after two attempts.

You became the light on the dark side of me

Well I certainly woke up to something, I wish I never wished for it. My best friend's mum passed away early in the morning. Rest in peace Tracy, I'll look after Corrine.


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With your hands in the air ou look like the girl at the fair with the bubbly eyes

Sleeping is getting hard. Just reinforced my quality music collection on my iPhone so thought I'd be all ridiculous and listen to a few songs and wrote what they mean to me. I'm so crazy...

Underworld - Born Slippy. A million memories of this, being at Mon's playing around the world on the dartboard. Being completely terrified when I watched Trainspotting for the first time, which then grew into a great love interest within heroin and it's most famous users. Finally, almost falling in love next to the canal.

Lynyrd Skynard - Freebird. Unfortunately, it reminds me of the remake of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, never has the thought of nails being imbedded in a wall been so sickening. It also reminds me of a million hours wasted on guitar hero, actually had to listen to the same 4/5 minute beginning a million times before I actually managed to complete it on hard mode, I do so screaming the whole way through the guitar solos.

Plastic Bertrand - Ca Plane Pour Moi. Disregarding the advert, this reminds me of the wonderful Prick from graphics at college. Trying on my t shirt, generally playing on the fact that everyone thought he was a grumpy man, when he was actually love. Also that time when I was in an open access room at uni and my phone stupidly decided to start playing, was so embarassing. No wonder I left Chester with no friends.

Kate Nash - Foundations. Wow, when I first heard this on the radio Pat was driving me home from his. I laughed at the lyric "I'd rather be with your mates because they're much fitter" and I got in a lot of trouble. It was also the song which was featured heavily in the heartbreaking soundtrack of leaving Bude behind for Chester.

Born Ruffians - Hummingbird. Again, apart from the Orange advert, just reminds me of when it was my message tone. My friends would get annoyed with the introduction because it would keep going off as Pat would give me shit all night for being at my friends house. This leads onto memories of playing Cluedo until around 5 in the morning, and losing every single time.

Kylie Minogue - In My Arms. This reminds me of the summer of 2008. Tabby, obviously, has the latest Now cd, so it would be
Played constantly as we drove round to Canworthy Water and Northcott, getting near enough naked on hay bails and getting caught, dancing to Michael Jackson's Thriller on clifftops and visiting haunted houses which sheep now occupy.

Bette Midler - Wind Beneath My Wings. This is quite apt, as I decided to watch Beaches instead of the World Cup final today. This reminds me of going to North Tamerton every Friday night with the South's. On the way home, I'd be staring up at the stars in the sky praying with all my heart that Aaron wouldn't be sick on me. This memory goes hand in hand with From A Distance aswell.

Justice vs Simian - We Are Your Friends. Not only was this played as Nikki Graham's music for her best bits after being evicted from the Big Brother house... it was a little more personal too. Sian and I were invited to a Spice Girls party, naturally I was Baby and she was Scary. This was supposed to be the song being played in the car where the boys we fancied were... Alas, they never arrived with the lift. We had to walk around 7 miles home, Sian complete with 6 inch leopard print heels. At the end of it all, I threw my shoe at her brothers bedroom window, and we were able to rest.

System Of A Down - Chop Suey. Drinking Tia Maria at the age of 15, headbanging in front of the computer and jumping around the computer with Tabby. And generally doing the same dance wherever we were when we heard it.

I was hoping to make more of an impact with my return here, so much has changed. I have a degree which my father is not proud of in the slightest, I have a job which I know I will love the whole time I'm there, I have a provisional driving license in my wallet and I have no one holding my hand anymore. Laura. Hopefully I'll wake up to something nice, something to help me sleep better at night. Or maybe I just shouldn't listen to music when going to sleep.










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Would you really rush out for me now?

So, this is the last time I'm going to be watching Glee in Chester, so I thought I'd write a post about it. Not about Glee, about "lasts". I am literally days away from escaping hell, the thoughts of sadness and missing people are all out of the window.

Tomorrow will be my last seminar, my last time up Kingsway.
Thursday will be my last exam, my last thing to do for uni.
Friday morning will be the last in this flat.

I always focus of "lasts", it makes everything a last. I can't wait for my firsts though, seriously.

My first summer without thinking of having to leave everything all behind at the end of it all.
My first proper job.
My first driving lesson.

Things will be good, as soon as my feet touch cornish soil. Seriously, why do my friends want to leave Bude when I can't think of anything more worse? They just don't know how good they've got it. Or they just don't live with lazy, selfish, controlling alcoholics. Oh man, Friday morning, I wait for you with great haste.

I need someone beside me in everything I do

Days are getting better and better, if not sentimental. Handed in the penultimate project, a magazine that I am very much proud of (my friends tell me I should be too), so supportive they are.

Can't believe just one more project, an essay and two exams are the only things between me and finishing uni. I know that I've had bov for it all this time, but now it's coming to the end I fear I will miss Kingsway. And the tramps in the subway that I always give money to.

High hopes are in front, with driving and dancing at the same time being my main goal. Oh I wish I was a dancer. Better do a degree in journalism and graphic design then.

A little on the edge of seventeen

Just like the white winged dove sings a song like she's singing, I am working hard like a trojan for the last few weeks left at university...

Or at least I would be if the festering technician was actually qualified. I should have never exposed Mike's kindness. That Alan has damaged me in more ways than one.

I'm almost ready to throw away all academic lifestyle, move to California and fal in love with Lindsay Buckhingham. Oh wait, that wasn't me...that was my idol.

The sun is out and it is waiting for me to pop out so it can kiss my massive cheeks and the roots of my red hair. It's quite nice growing up, where all your friends are uccessful within different areas of everything. I feel like I belong in Sex And The City. This weekend, however, I'm ditching Sam and her PR qualities, as well as Miranda and her law, Charlotte and her art knowledge. I'm off to see my very own technician and his stylist boyfriend.

I wonder if he'll delete my work and waste 2 hours of my time aswell? Look at me, oh look at me is this the way I'll always be?

I certainly hope so. Because I enjoy salmon and I will be hot.

Drowning in the sea of love where everybody would love to drown

Lots of things are sorted, some are not but are heading in the right direction.

For example, I'm supposed to be writing up my dissertation at the moment, I'm just editing, got the front page, abstract and introduction done. Lots needs to be done on the rest...I have to collect bookbooks tomorrow, and to make notes form the books I already have out.

Next Thursday I can experience sun and warmth! Hate the North West. Roll on the next two months baby, I'm ready to become a designer of some sort. I want money, I want to pay off everything and I want to just chill the fuck out.

Better get on then.

Come on skinny love, what happened here?

I'm a complete mess, of hunger, sleep deprivation and just general sickness. At least I was appreciated earlier, it's nice when people look at your face to make themselves feel better. I have finally found something I am good at, it's a shame I cannot just have a career in converting shorthand into longhand though...

All work and no play has left me questionning my friends. I think too much anyway, but I await this weekend with great haste. I want to dance and I want to sleep on a floor with just a duvet and crap cushion. Oh Manchester, what have you to offer me?

Can't wait for these 2 months to be over, no doubt I'll miss it when I'm gone.

But then again...maybe not.

On the day that we left the neighbourhood heart skipped a beat

When we come back, I know it'll all look the same.

Massive blow up on the 'growing up' front on Friday. Had to do a presentation for journalism, had to pitch an idea for a magazine. The ultimate crumble, I wonder if when I die I can just watch my whole life over again. I would press the fast forward button as soon as it came to bit where my shoe fell off. Guaranteed my sweat patches were on full display aswell, had a massive heat flush.

I would also pause it when my sister made me noodles, and keep rewinding it when my good friend made me almost spill my guts on the dancefloor when he mimed to 'Better Off Alone'. At the moment though, it's just at a steady play pace. Things are on track, no doubt the fucking presentation I have to do on Tuesday will make me trip up all over again. This is the time when I need to act on what I have learnt from mistakes, and to actually make sense.

I'm clearly not ready for the big wide world. What job can I get where I don't have to talk to anyone at all? Where work stays only in the workplace and where a good wage is available? Oh man, I've really gotta grow up. That or win the lottery.

Time is contagious; everybody's getting old.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:City Rd,Chester,United Kingdom

Gonna write a song so she can see, give her all the love she gives to me

She's not anyone.

But I am. Oh I certainly am. I am an organised one, a disciplined one. I set myself targets and I get these targets done when they're needed to. I also plan ahead, for things that don't necessarily matter at the moment. And because of this, I believe my third year will be a breeze.

I'll get the 4000 word essay draft completed tonight, along with the Shorthand practice cd. Then Monday - Friday I will finish my dissertation draft. Hand them all in, party like a slut on my birthday and then get back to work. From 9th February onwards, I shall work on my Corporate Design stuff, keeping in mind the ideas for my magazine for Journalism.

All I'm gonna have to do is juggle between two things I believe will roll smoothly once I get deep into them, and I'm not too far away from that at all.

It's all my brain ever thinks about. I go to bed at 2, look at the time at 3 after thinking of all the greatest things to do. I'm losing sleep over this, and weight. Bargain.

It's been a while...

During the busiest lifestyle ever, I have still found the time to come to uni, go to the seminar which may not be so important as the deadline has just passed, but will the lecturer be there to take the seminar?

Oh no, of course not. Wouldn't want little Jessy ACTUALLY being on track with her uni work. We'll just hinder her ;) They are cheeky little toerags. Pretty annoying toerags at that. I would have gone straight home, but I've got to pick up my little man with some of him missing...

I certainly hope he doesn't hate me after. Or die for that matter. I've missed him a lot today, my heart will break if he doesn't return home with me. Although lovely Jo hasn't rung to say he's bad so everything will be just fiiiine.

And everything in my life will be fine if I get my festering work done to the to do lists that I prepare myself almost every single day! Jeez Louise, if I was anymore organised I would be a poop mouth coming out of your mouth. Of the organised kind.

Seriously though, I've got to sort myself out, just a couple more months of this annoying lifestyle and then I can do whatever I want when I want. Well, not really, but it'll probably be a little more flexible.

A party and a holiday are in view. But they won't happen if I don't get this done sweethearts! Oh yes they will, I'll just tell myself that to keep me motivated. 21? Bring it on.

I've got a week to do all the hard stuff, and after that it'll be like recycling the last two years. Actually can't wait for all this to be over. I'm ready to decorate my house, prepare meals and breed rabbits.

I still think of you on cold winter mornings, darling they'll still remind me of when we were at school

So, back on track, with another limb.

Another limb with four limbs :) The four limbs are causing great harm to my body, but who doesn't want to constantly get new scars?

I am on track, fresh eyed and bushy tailed. Well, not so bushy but at least more sociable. I am determined to get through the final chapter of studying with mostly ease and thorough organisation. I know I'm going to be fine; I won't let myself not!

Not only that, I have been reading novels. Oh how I loved it. All run out though, White Oleander is such a good book. I initially found the poeticness of it all a bit daunting, but that's the beauty of it. And Ray and Claire. The film had the worst perception of it ever, was so bummed out.

So, with my mind's appetite well and truly filled, it brings attention to my body.

I am the exact measurements of Lily now. Not really, but there is a two mile trek everyday, sometimes it's even four miles. I'm eating better now too, my first Chilli Con Carne went down a treat, and I certainly appreciated the fibre of the red kidney beans it seems...

Just need to tone up, write, and stay on top of the finances. For the last year ever! Well...

And if all else fails and the ship won't set sail...

So recently, I have started to find women just a little bit more pretty than men. I'm not a batty, no, but I seem to like looking at pictures of models, female ones. They are so much prettier and thinner than me. And for once in my life, I'm actually bummed out about it.


And here's the culprit, Little Miss Lily Aldridge. What a perfectly pretty slut she is. With my most desirable of celebrity boyfriends. Her bust is 33 inches, as is mine. Her waist is 23 inches, which matched the width of my big toe and who cares what her bum bum is, it's gonna be a lot smarter than mine.

The stories are all true, this kind of stuff does make people want to be like them. I'm off to burn a calorie or two.

I'll squeeze into heaven

So much has changed. Got a taste of a life alone, and it wasn't too bad at all. But I went back to the old life anyway, and it's still fun.

Acceptance for growing up has finally been granted. I want a baby skater boy, not for a few years yet but it's still something I can get all excited about if there's nothing else.

Heading back for the final page of that chapter in my life. I've got high hopes for it, not necessarily wanting it to end, will just have to see how it goes.

Excited about life. Seen Caleb Followill three times in my life now, and still wanting it to be. I listen to R.E.M just so that I feel that little bit closer...

E-Bow The Letter

Ok, on we go...

I am so done with this, and I'm so done with that. I just want to get back so I can clean some more rooms, and to also have driving lessons.

But I'm gonna sort this career out first, and do it well. Life is good, and I'm alone.

Are you rea'y?

So I have nearly finished one thing, leaving me to finish just ONE thing more until I can fucking relax, well until good old Mr Brown helps me out. Thanks for that.

Just gotta do a few more drawings and a little writing and Design and Communication is officially done with, hit all the right spots and I'm feeling pretty confident. Not only will I pass my second year, but I will do so with flying colours.

You can plan a pretty picnic but you can't predict the weather.

Strains are holding out, I need that train home. I can't wait for it, eating pizza and halloumi after a nice sleep of roughly 14 hours for 3 weeks. Growing up certainly is hard, and I know I'm not the only one finding this.

Duh, duh, duh, duuuuuuuuuu

I am at uni. 9:09 on a Friday morning. I fell asleep at 2:20 last night. Not liking this one bit.

I have to wait for a certain someone willing to provide a signature before I return to the fading warmth of my bed.

COME ON.

Whenever I'm sat at this computer, I always seem to hear 'It's Not Over Yet' not the original one, not the Klaxons one, but the Goldfrapp version. It's a nice version, I'll give you that. But it's not even the song playing, I have recently worked out that it's just the way the printer goes.

'Goes'

Man, actually can't be bothered with this. When I get the signature (guaranteed something goes wrong for me) I'm going home, setting my alarm for 12 and then crashing out. To wake up to packing, tidying and travelling.

Come on Bernadine, I swear you're a queen.

That's pretty good

Graphic designer is my name and Birkenhead is my game. At least one thing is sorted, just need the rest to (easily) follow and I'll be ready for my relaxed Easter egg in no time.

I'm extremely fat these days, but education comes first so jogging can wait until after my 5 stories and rationale, reflective essay, article and Oxfam annual report. Oh how I can't wait for the 20th of March, and it's not even that far away! Well...that's a little scary but it's good to know it's all going to be over soon.

I want my summer weeks (not weekends) to be filled with typical librarian stuff, I'll just happily sort out books for a small wage. Come on, make me happy, I've got bov for picking up pubes again.

University, who'd have thought it?

Pat shakes his head, but I keep on writing.zazaz\ Haha

I never wanted anyone like this, it's all brand new...

20 years old and not a thing to show for it. Apart form half way through a degree, a 2 year relationshp under the belt, and a new addition of a contract phone (it is really exciting). Not doing too bad then, and how's this for a work experience opportunity...teaching english in the Czech Republic?! How exciting. I certainly am moving up in the world.

And my phone has this thing called "TrackID", so if I'm listening to the radio and hear a song that sounds pretty good I just need to use the trackid and it finds out what it is for me. No more lyrics searching on Google.

Must dash, so fucking much to do, can't wait for this year to be over. Madonna is my mother from another level.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

Wet feet and meetings with strange American men who look like Robin Williams when he smiles. Better write bad things about things you like and want to work for, relax, it'll be fine. Karen pick up the phone, and Karen come back. I've got so much I want to tell you.

Life is back on track, body is cigarette free for the 5th day and I can't wait to be home, in my bed and with the man of my dreams.

Life is good and life is great because I've only got 3 more pieces of work to do and no one likes you.

You were a child, crawling on your knees

Heartbroken. Shattered. Crushed. Lonely. Can't even describe, can't even do anything to sort it out. I am so tired of everything, not even the comments of Big P and Mikey G can help me out right now, which, lets face it is all I've got.

I can't find myself fitting in anywhere, I'm just not how I used to be. There just seems no hope in ever finding her again, I've gone so far down one path I just can't seem to find anything to turn me back around. Nothing to look forward to this week, not tomorrow and not at the weekend. I don't think I should do anything about it though.

And there won't be a little ending with the slightest bit of optimism, I'm officially drained.

Yes twice is nice, three times is just right

I've got my pride and I'll let you sleep tonight. So listen up...

Sleeping and eating have become a massive chore recently, late nights, early mornings and gagging on cigarettes appears to be the way I roll. Not only has it recently passed the three years mark, but I have lost my other half. Living without the two has really taken it's toll. I have never felt so lonely, I don't even had the buds that I used to.

But I have new ones, I fell asleep just past midnight last night and my tummy is filled with pasta. Tonight should sort me out, I certainly hope so. I am ready to parade around and feel gorgeous, I am ready to dance like an idiot and I'm ready to go for a coffee.

If I told you things I did before, told you how I used to be, would you go along with someone like me?

So much has changed, things are definately taking a turning and at the moment I don't know whether it'll be good or bad. I hope it's for the best though, as it was my decision.

Nearly time to leave everything behind again, I'm optimistic though. I'm going to try this time. I am interested. So interested. In so much more things than one.

I can hold your beautiful hands, and kiss your beautiful eyelids

Well a lot has changed really, said goodbye to trusty Newton Hall, it was rather sad, but maybe good to leave it behind. Back at home being the busiest person in the world. Chambermaiding with the biggest gossips in town and out everynight trying to cover everything I've been missing out on.

I'm just going to rest my poor little feet til around 5, maybe catch up on a bit of Bad Girls. Not much longer to go, which is rather sad. Only one bg thing left on my to do list, it'll probably remain that way until a week or so before the deadline. I love how I never learn my lesson. It'll come bite me in the ass one day, just like I hope that that will come back one day. When I really need it. Although, I don't see it being too hard to conquor. S'laters pink

So are you ready to cut them down to 3? The final three

So today probably couldn't have been any worse. First, an exam, followed by complete down pour, a delayed taxi (I stole "Danielle's" in the end) followed by soggy Avon books.

However, I will make lots of money this time! I am still awaiting to hear from the Hotel and I have finished my first year!

A dream celebration would be a trip to the fair, to be pinned back on the waltzers with a massive smile on my face, maybe throw in a video of the laughter. And after, a stick of candyfloss, winning one (maybe two) goldfish and just flushing them down the toilet when we move. Followed by alcoholic consumption and a wee play on Mario Party 8.

Rain rain, fucking go away!

That's where I'm going, where are you going?

Dream catch me, yeah, dream catch me when I fall. Else I won't come back at all.

I've been with Pat a year! Wow. First relationship is a long one then, that'll look good on my resume.

It's all coming to an end, it seems to have been a rather fast process, I hope I don't have a repeat of college. I can't wait for it all to be finished, and can't wait to have a repeat of last summer, but even longer this time!

Tomorrow I need to resize and collect two green sheets. Man, it feels good to finally let go of everything.

J'adore the pain in my chest and the gut that flumps around. I'm actually happy though.

Isn't she the cutest thing you've seen in your life!

He said "Hey sister, it's really nice to meet ya"

The tickets for my trip have arrived.

Take me on a trip, I'd like to go someday

I would love a trip, I've been craving one for quite a while now. I don't know why I'm so down lately, whether it being due to Karen going, moving away from home, being in a relationship or simply growing up. It is probably a combination of the four.

I've never found giving up smoking so easy, or losing weight so hard. The uni work will be fine, I believe, so I try not to let that put me down. But there's always something there, oh yeah - told you so. I'm finding myself stand up for myself more, people may see that as a good thing, but I think it makes me looks insane.

I love James from American Big Brother, I really hope he goes straight to the end, festering Sheila and the rest, NO ONE CARES ABOUT MATTY ANYMORE, LET IT GO. But yeah, I'm pretty annoyed that I missed the episode where Chelsia went mental. Yeah, so James, he looks like the singer guy from Alphabeat, actually can't get enough of that song Fascination.

I can't wait for it to come out on SingStar. So, to summarise it all, I'm feeling really withdrawn and lonely. I'm really hoping it's just a state of mind, and it's not all about growing up, because otherwise I'm actually screwed.

Poor old Jess

That was as good as it got

Seriously, I manage to sort out one problem and they keep get thrown back in face. This has been nothing but a fight the whole time and it's starting to get out of my control. This is so annoying, and I knew it would happen. Just like I know that a certain someone is going to be in a certain place on a certain date. If it does happen, like I know it will, then I've been taken for a mug. I hate that expression.

Read my lips, I'm into you, I'm into you

Good old Kylie. "Every song she releases is guaranteed to be good"

"What about Westlife? They had a number of consecutive number ones!"

"Yeah, they're well good"

That is the kind of things that me and my boyfriend talk about. Oh yes, still have a boyfriend. I've also recently adopted a job, it may be just delivering and collecting, but it's fun! And yeah, I may get only £35 every 3 weeks, but it's fun!

It'll do. So finally, I have a job, a boyfriend for nearly a year and things are going swell. All my work is up to date for uni and I've attended every lecture and seminar this week.

Who needs friends, aye? I can no longer relate to The Bucket as I am now 19, which has made me a little sad, but I can always find another one to relate to.

Probably won't be by Kylie or Westlife though I'm afraid.

James Blunt is being quite good again, I hated him for a brief while for obivous reasons, but I'm slowly starting to accept him again.

I am rather scared about meeting my PAT today, if he's rude to me in real life I am sure that I will probably start crying. Oh yeah, and I've given up smoking, put taken up getting fat.

Every cloud has a silver lining, mate.

Here I go...

Where you can discover the pirate within

It feels as though I haven't had any stories to write about for the last few months. And I know it's because I haven't been with my friends, and nowhere else seems to inspire me to write stories. I will be going home for my Christmas break tomorrow, and I have a delicious 3 weeks to collect as many stories as possible. I can't wait

Finally make something happen

I watch as a small, grey-haired woman appears at my doorway, carrying a little blond boy. I see her glance around my tiny home, her face winces and she says nothing, but I know it is because of the disapproval of the cigarette smell. As I make her tea consisting of milk, no sugar, I think about how this woman has managed to cope through the death of her daughter, to look after her grandson as if he was her own and to help set up a successful organisation. I look at her endearingly, after all that she had been through; she still had time to worry about my health.

She introduces me to her grandson, Jacob, as I pass her the tea. She examines it, almost as if I had not quite met her experienced standards. “I’ve only ever got drunk once, I hate the feeling of being out of control, I usually drink Schleur around Christmas, it manages to give me the same feeling of giddiness.” I smile at her as she takes a sip and smiles at me with reassurance that the tea was actually decent; I find the sweetness of this 52 year old woman remarkable.

Maria Sturt of Bude, Cornwall, brightens with pride as she tells me of her 33 year long marriage to David, an army man and the five daughters she had with him. She goes on to tell me of an organisation she helped set up due to the inspiration Jacob gave when he lost his mother at two years old. Jacob has Downs Syndrome.

Maria describes how The Little Rays of Sunshine Club was set up for children not only with Downs Syndrome, but for children with other disabilities too, in the early months of 2006, by herself and David in memory of their cherished daughter, Karen. The idea was conjured when a total of over £1,100 was raised for the Downs Syndrome Association at her funeral, when the family requested donations rather than flowers.

“Little Rays of Sunshine is a joy to me as friendships have been made, views exchanged. Children have become more confident causing life changing behaviour.”

I write down a list, which seems endless, of the events that have taken place, such as a sponsored abseil where around 30 people of all ages participated, a charity disco, a charity bingo game, a trip to Disneyland Paris for 49 children which took up a weekend, a charity rugby game, a fundraiser barbecue with all the trimmings and finally a Christmas party with the children in the special needs unit at the local school. The activities which are yet to take place are swimming with a surf instructor for 6 weeks and, finally, more sessions at the local school, allowing incorporation amongst the children within the two groups. These events have added up to the total of £3,300.

As I scribble down the quotes Maria seems to have repeated million times before, I look at her, and sure enough I can see it in her eyes, the ticking of appropriate boxes. “We would like to dedicate the Little Ray’s of Sunshine Club to honour Karen’s memory, while it was in losing her which proved to be the main channel for it’s induction, we believe that had she lived, she would have tried to do something similar herself.” It is at this point I find myself invasive, I look at her and she shrugs, but on her face is a suggestive, proud smile. So I continue.






So I asked about Karen, the pure smile was replaced with a face that I could never describe. A face of loss and remorse; a face I wish to never experience again. Karen was Maria’s third daughter, the only one of which to bless her and David with a grandchild. Karen was 19 when she gave birth to Jacob Isaac in 2003, the son who was the inspiration for the club.

“Karen was tragically killed in a road accident in November 2005, she’d recently past her test, and it hit the family hard. Especially with Jacob, she did everything she could for that boy and sometimes it just feels like what I do is somewhat inadequate in comparison.” I look again at Maria’s eyes, but this time I see no boxes eager to be ticked, no rehearsed answers. As her eyes reach my saddened gaze, she somehow manages to read my mind. She knew I wanted to know how she could even begin to carry on with life.

“Life means very little without God, prayers change what seems hopeless. God loves answering prayer. I couldn't have got through this horrible time without Him. Once you know Him you can’t live without Him. He means everything to me. I trust that He has got Karen safe and I know that if Karen was offered the way back she wouldn't want to come back as she has the best ever.”

“I still find it painful that Karen’s not here to see how Jacob is developing. She would be so proud of him. He used the potty twice for me in one day for the first time! I’m looking forward to when we meet up again.” And with that, I believe that all my boxes have been ticked.

As I say my goodbyes, I give Jacob a big kiss and a cuddle. Karen always said I’d be his favourite Aunty.

I know I can count on you

I have the longest to do list in the world, and it's all to do with work, which I'm not over pleased about. I have ACTUAL bov for it, but I'm going to have to do it. I've had this feeling before, and I've always managed to sort things in the end, so I don't know why I'm worrying about it. I will hopefully cause a reasonable sized dent in the workload my next week. Just need to start acting like a grown up! This is what I have (unfourtunately) decided to do with my life; I've made the festering bed of unwantedness, and now I'm having to die in it.

I just can't help thinking I've made such a big mistake, well, so many big mistakes. They'll all resolve themselves soon, well, soon is 3 years if I decide to carry on. The other soon is pretty much round the corner.

I would just like to dance in my room, chuck on a cd and boogie, with no fear of the people downstairs complaining about my odd ways of losing weight. Even if I was home I wouldn't be able to do it anyway, as my cd player appears to be broken, which is annoying.

Songs just don't have their original meanings anymore, and everyone knows what the meaning of songs is to me. Naw.

The day that you fall, I'll be right behind you

So it has inevitably arrived, the two year mark. And I think that it has hit me harder than ever before. It feels as though every single negative emotion you can possibly think of has filled my body and multiplied by a million. I can't stop crying, and I can't stop thinking. And I can't stop listening to McFly, apparantly.

Sometimes when I close my eyes, I just see myself looking at you from the landing, wincing and laughing at your gunged up eye and how you chased me around the house with it to make me cry. I think of how you could into my room when you wanted to dance or talk. I remember not doing what you asked and how you did everything I ever asked for.

I hate remembering, I don't want to remember anything. I just want to experience things with you now, and it's actually impossible. There's nothing I can do and there's nothing I can do to overcome this! Life is so unfair, and it seems as though I have only just come to realise this. I really fucking miss you Karen.

I always do.

I've got mixed up memories and I've got favourite places

I'm singing uh - oh on a Friday night and I hope everything is gonna be alright.

So what has the world come to? A place in time when everyone can be found using the internet. A place where you can't escape from the past which means that the future is being prevented with taints from a past time.

I don't want to be the girl focussing on the past of relationships, I want to working on my future ones. I'm fed up of my heart slowly tearing, and the most petrifying thing is that I know for a fact my heart is going to break, at least another 6 times. There's nothing I can do about it, it would be fighting the inevitable.

It's both amazing and scary at what can happen in a year. I got this idea from watching a documentry on soaps, Sonia goes from a lesbian to a fucked up weirdo in a few weeks. Good old Eastenders, I know it shouldn't be what lives should be based on, but it's a soap for a reason; the realistic story lines which occur.

This time last year I was scard about facing the one year mark, of tying down a relationship which was heading nowhere, and completely trusting my friends. I'm not facing the two year mark, I'm in a relationship I don't want to ever end and I use my friends for fun, they're not there to trust anymore. I'm writing this because I'm trying to find answers of easy ways out without being hurt, and there are none. Life really is so sad, no matter how much fun you can have, or whatever you can manage to get over, there's always going to be something to knock you back down to the ground again.

99 problems but a bitch ain't 1

Well, for a start, a "bitch" is one of my 99 problems. Along with the prospects of growning up. Seriously, I wish I could just be 7 again, when relationships were a game of kiss chase and a quick flash in the swimming pool and nurses probed only your ears.

Everybody wants to know her na-a-a-a-a-a-a-ame. Not my name though. She's just a weirdo with no name. I'm just a weirdo with no name and no colours in my hair! Before I set off I planned everything that I would do that day, what I would say and how we would spend the weekend having a friendly banter over a pint and southern comfort with lemonade. My opportunity couldn't have been more perfect, just before a lesson together, I was outside having a fag and he popped along and sat about half a metre away from me. At that point I tried figuring out how to start the topic of becoming friends, then the ost perfect situatuion happened! He dropped a rizla and it flew so close to me and I laughed, then I said "Hey, so you wanna be friends?, he said yeah an we're going out for that friendly drink tonight.

Not really, I said nothing after the laugh. Then after my fag I just walked straight back in and sat in my classroom, later to be joined by "Travis". the rest of the day wasn't too bad friend-making wise, my table was discussing films and I participated. I even had one of those moments when someone else does something really funny, so you instantly look to the person next to you to secretly laugh at them! It felt good. But what doesn't feel good is having no plans for the weekend, with no one to talk to and throwing up. Twice.

Fingers crossed for next week then

Disappointing crab, and the host was rude

Jealousy. That fucking feeling.

No matter how much you hate being jealous, you can't do anything about it, to my belief anyway.

It's the sort of thing that you hate being, but if other people feel it about you then it gives some sort of strength of power. Power or no power, I want this feeling to go away.

I want to be "that carefree girl", you know, the one that never gets hurt or stresses out about a simple look at a girl, or communication between the beloved man and his fucking ex bitches of girlfriends. However, the way I see it, to be carefree you never get hurt. But to never be hurt is to nevr get involved.

But I want to get involved. I want to be neck-deep in involvedness, fuck it, I want to be drowning in involvedness. But to be involved is to be jealous.

I'm fucked...and powerful

I don't mean to be rude, but it's not the first time you split up is it?

So after years of education, I only have to wait another 4 days to let the good times roll. And after a year of growing my hair, it has one more day to breathe in this world before I shop it all off. Of course I'm a little scared, about both uni and the haircut, but it'll be fine! Because things always are.

Today I recieved a letter from my friend, it included pictures of her guinea pigs, what a sweet, sweet girl. They are quite cute, although I will never purchase one, I'm a dog kinda girl , ya know what I'm saying blood? Geeze? Cheeks? Dead?

I wonder who I'll meet at uni, I'm gonna be living with like 3 of the people I meet this time next year! Now that's a scary thought. I guess this time last year I would have no idea of living and being with Pat, who is of course God's answer to the word perfection. Actually Jess with a willy, which all my blog readers know is what I've been searching for pretty much all my life.

And there's sex! Haha, oh God I hope my Dad never finds this. My arm aches, and Jeremy wants me to pay attention.

Making tea in your underwear

I had to face two big issues today. The first being my festering period, it's so annoying and achey. The other were bills! Bills that had been festering around the flat because they weren't actually addressed to us, but to our Landlord so I thought it would be rude to open them. I tried to resolve this by putting all the unwanted mail in the mail area, I got told off "mew...code of conduct...dispose of or resend..." and as I don't know the addresses of festering Mr and Mrs Nurse I decided to chuck them.

The mail I got today for William Bowker said Chester Cunty Council on the envelope so I thought I would browse the letter before chucking it. BAM pay 100 pounds in one week or we'll increase it to 700 ;)

But I've rang them and explained everything...can't wait for uni. Can't wait to write about exciting days, can't wait to go out! Getting hair sorted next Wednesday, don't know whether to try something new...or continue with the plan of growing it long. My hairs been alright this way though, not many split ends and I don't have to spend loads of time on it before going out. Just depends on whether I get a massive brainwave with a fantastic idea before then. Fingers crossed I don't! Ha

If you want to use my body go for it

Times are a-changing. I've moved from home, with a man! Heading for University to study for a few more years until I find something else more fulfilling.

I'm sitting down here...

So, basically, I have just finished the two A2 exams that I am ever going to participate in. And I did them so well and I am so proud.

And so fucking happy that I will never have to do anything again and that for the next months of my life I can sit in the sun and catch a tan.

However, there is a downfall towards this new celebration. Basically, when I was in the exam all my friends decided to fuck off down town so I am now on a computer in college. In the fucking library. I am certainly not happy with this. Actually never had this situation before and I hope I never have to experience it again! Just boredom with actually no idea on what to do or where to even do it.

Poor blog, I just abuse you when I have nothing better to do. Unlucky

Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?

Whatever will be, will be. The futures not ours to see. I am coming to the end of an era, with the next era unknown. Should I go for the experience? Or just fester. I need education to have a good time, I like following papers and being told what to do. The life of cleaning is just not for me. Won't tell Daddy that just yet though.

I met the love of my life, the whole 30 seconds where we gazed into eachothers eyes was the most special moment of my life. Shame it was cut so short by some rowdy boys who liked to bop to "Taper Jean Girl". Everytime I hear that song now I fear the crush.

I must not be like my sister, I must pay interest to the other, I should talk to the other and I should visit the final one. I wish I did what I planned to, otherwise I would be more than successful. I would probably be ruling the world.

I ain't moving in the right direction

Something ain't right...

Sex? Tomorrow?
Please!

It's Christmas time, there's no need to be afraid

So I'm always on about how my friends are fucking me about when it comes to guys. I get some alcohol down me and I'm doing the same. Whore.

I can't believe how well things could have gone, and how embarrassing some things could be. Remind me never to do that again. So, today I have the first appointment of many in order to grow up successfully. I have a wall with many post its on, not a single one has been brought down yet! Oh right, doing quite well then. Should be able to take one or two down today.

Another uni has got back to me, I don't have a clue if they've accepted me or not. Would be nice. Obviously...another post it on the wall. I really hope he meant what he said.

Be careful what you put them through

I love people talking about my sex life at the table. Oh right, broke your figer did ya? I was told that I'm perfect today. Not paranoid, pathetice or petty.

Friends are quality

I can be brown, I can be blue...

It's amazing how people care if you don't quite look like your usual self. I'm just a little tried, watched a bit of a film in my lesson and it was pretty interesting, shame my eyelids were constantly closing throughout the hour.

Spent an hour of my time doing my psychology homework, turns out I didn't do the right bit. Cheers. If I fail to do my homework one more time I will be put on a contract. That's what I like. Going to uni Valentines Day, already got myself a boyfriend.

I've planned my little old life out already

All I ever want is so far gone

It's amazing what can happen if you do something different with your hair, or if you consume some alcohol.

I have no idea why I fall in love with actually everyone when I'm pissed. I look back on the night now, and I think...for fat snakes. I am going to have to face some of those people tonight, and I can imagine the embarrassment already.

Naw...but, it should be good. Can't wait to dress like Baby

Runaway from all your boredom

So a good start to the new year dosn't seem so far away. Another 18th gone, another dance to Come on Eileen has passed. I can't believe how I can actually allow myself to like my friends boyfriend. Clearly, what am I thinking? But he doesn't make the dream seem so far out of reach, which worries me.

Nothing will happen though. Which is good, and which also sucks, because I doubt I could ever find a more perfect match. Naw.

This Friday should sort me out, get my brain in the correct gear. Oh right, going insane am I? I most certainly am not. But I fear that a good ol' friend of mine may be, what a festering family she has. She wouldn't believe she was 18...

It's a race, a race for rats, a race for rats to die.

Can't you see that I'm full of lies?

I keep going back to old habits. Some are life threatening.But, doesn't that add a little spice to things? I sounds strange.

I'm gonna let it out, and do my thang. A boom-boom-boom and a bang-bang-bang

So, I am stranded in this new year of 2007. I am loveless, jobless, moneyless. but I have friends and I am forever free! Hmmm...they don't really compare. So I'm stuck inn photography, with actually nothing to do. I just overheard someone say to the teacher that they've done 1, 2, 3 and 4. 4?! I thought there was only 3! And I haven't even started it yet! I don't know what the title is and what to do for it, so I shall just take my trusty camera to my best friends boyfriends eighteenth birthday party and leave it on a table somewhere so I can fucking boogie.

I've been looking forward to this night for the last week or so. I hope he comes. In more ways than one

Imagine there's no heaven

26 days without being intoxicated by nicotine. I am so proud. So today, I woke up late, still so tired. My tiredness is probably why I am so emotional today.

Friends are strange things. I've learnt today who my real ones are.

You can do without hate

I actually don't know where I stand with anyone right now. I have had such a lack of sleep recently I want to crawl into a hole to either cry or die. I haven't got my christmas presents sorted, and the people who I have to get them for, well, I don't want to get them one.

My friends are being wankers, leading them to not be my friends. I fucking hate bisexuals, they're so festering. I know that I'll be sorted out by next week, and I don't care if I'm not; for I won't have to see them! I swear, if she does one more thing to me...one more thing, I'll actually kill myself.

I have tree trunk legs, and I now know that all my potential lovers will pick up on this. I'm actually screwed.

It's a Friday and I have nothing planned. 14th day without a fag! Woo...go team Jessy!

I'll pretend that I'm kissing the lips I am missing

Isn't it completely absurd how one day can seem to be the worst possible one that you are ever to face, and then it is followed by one that is so fanbloodytastic, that you regret the thought of suicide.

Both of my emotional days were influenced by boys. The day before, because of the lack of one, today because of the great friendship certain boys provide me with.

I love friends, and I love the way they are friends with the boy who I want to fall in love with. A singer? Gorgeous!


Thoughts of living through G.C.S.E's were not around when I was younger. I am now in my final year of studying A-Levels, and applying to a university. The beautiful boy, Singer, is destined to go to Camebridge. Don't I feel intimidated? I shouldn't too much, as not a lot will happen. But I do want it to. I certainly do.

Reminds me of childhood memories, when everything was fresh as a bright blue sky

So, today has been surreal. First off I have a conversation with someone as if we are breaking up, it actually made me want to cry. It was sweet though, and it has made me believe that he is possibly one of the greatest people I have ever met.

To overcome the sadness, I decided to light up a cigarette, as I walked back into my house I noticed a familiar torso walk outside my house, it was Alex Smeeth of course, so I called him right on over.

Bear in mind, I have no make up on, hair untouched from the night before and still in my pyjamas...he said to ignore what he was wearing, I gestured to my outfit. He sat down on my garden wall and asked me what my plans for tonight were, then asked if I had a boyfriend, after telling me that my hair looked good.

As he walked off, with his curry sauce (which he mentioned wasn't tasty), he said he would give me a shout on the way back from his girlfriends...and then shouted chickens.

After 5 years, I still fucking love that guy

People say that your dreams are the only things that save you

I keep biting the nail varnish off my nails, this is bad as they no longer look pretty and they are also cracking. I've had less of a good day then I thought I was going to have, but I suppose there are still thigns to write in the old diary about.

I really hope that no guys ever read my diary, it would actually be the most embarrassing thing in the world, excluding seeing a friends parent bending over, naked, in the bathroom. Ha. Unlucky, Lettie.

So, I was thinking. If you scare your son and your daughter, who can't you scare?

You sit there in your heartache

I'm waiting on many beautiful boys to save me from my old ways. I don't smoke throughout the week and I'm loving how shit works, ya'know.

Standing at the edge of the cliff...

Oh man, I'm so pissed off with everything. I want to drive, have a boyfriend, have a job and buy clothes whenever I feel or think about it.

I don't have a best friend either, I need someone next to me, and it just sucks knowing that I don't have anyone.

I think I've fallen in love with my best friend (ha, contradicting yaself are ya?) and that just isn't going to work out, and the other guy I think I have fallen in love with lives millions and trillions of billions of miles away from me.

Don't ever think, ever think, ever think too much...

It's 5 o'clock on a Friday morning

Not really, it's later than that. I slept a fantastic 15 hours last night, it was very much appreciated. In more ways than one. The first being that I was knackered, the second being that it made me miss a meal, skinny Jess manages to return again.

I am waiting for my mother to return from Church with my breakfast cereal, "Golden Nuggets; they're honey crunching good!". After I've eaten that, I shall depart to my friends house to talk about nothing important at all. I've fallen in love with another of my college tutors. I'm also finding it hard due to the lack of meisters this year, leading me to admiring the boys of the younger age. Paedophilism is fun, not. No it isn't, you dirty fuckers.

Oh man, I'm listening to Little Chris...and I love it

I can see you, but I can never reach you

Well, well, well no August posts is it? I've been a rather busy little girl. In that space I've managed to completely fuck my life up. Ok, not as bad as I make out, just got a U instead of a rather desired E. I'll miss the embarrassing moments with Shaun, and staring at the beautiful boys.

Blaine Wickett talks to me on msn, he just called me Dickweed. I love chaps like that, almost as much as I love how thin I am today. I was completely off my trotters last night, throwing up all over the place. But man, I'm looking pretty hot, so I'm going to celebrate and go to Crockfest, not drinking though. I'm having a "I'm never going to drink again" day, my stomach must be fucked up, my trousers are stinky with splat marks and my throat hurts due to basically coughing up what was left in my gut as there was no more liquid.

Man, I hate it when that happens, don't drink vodka Jess, it does this to you every single time. But hey, it's fun getting that way!

Must dash, potatoes to cook, men to fuck. Ha, I'm completely kidding. Audi TT driver :) xxx

The picture to the left was labelled "sex!" in my picture file...