Roll away your stone, I'll roll away mine. Together we can see what we will find...

Don't leave me alone at this time. For I'm afraid of what I may discover inside.

I knew something was going to erupt throughout the birthday period! Told you so.

Earlier on in the week, I was reunited with a soul I used to never be apart from, I had desperately wanted to see him since our friendship had hit a two year hiatus. But my confidence was knocked after we no longer understood eachother's humour, and we would talk over each other constantly, no longer knowing when the stories had finished. We didn't even discuss why he'd so ruthlessly cut me out of his life.

Things got better and we arranged to meet again later, with our third musketeer. It was just as uncomfortable, even with the addition of Southern Comfort. I kept thinking, am I being too loud? Am I being too naughty? What is he going to go back and tell his partner?

It wasn't this that got me down though. For when Thursday came again, and the three of us met up for lunch, everything clicked into place. We were united again, laughing at bad circumstances thrown at us, laughing at bad circumstances that we had managed to avoid, just generally laughing. We had finally got to that wonderful state we were in years ago. And I had never had so much fun.

So maybe it was the haircut disaster? I had had lunch with another old friend, discussed the same stuff we ever do, and also of haircuts. It was both enlightening and moreish; we really must make it a regular occurrence, for his sanity more than mine. My time for the haircut came, so lunch ended.

I trundled out for a few miles, got the dye on (just a brown please) and then waited for it to develop. The past few weeks, all I had imagined was what I could potentially look like on my birthday night out, with a gorgeous little jumpsuit I'd bought and my new gorgeously chocolated hair. Not a faded red in sight!

It came to the exciting time of washing it out, and I'm glad I'd opted to do it alone, as I nearly bursted into tears the second I saw red wash out in the water. What the fuck is this?! I was so angry. Not only will I have to dye it again so soon, but my poor beautiful outfit. Ruined!

I didn't even get it blow dried, just cut and I went home. Avoiding the mirrors in the car at all costs, sometimes failing to do so made me see the dark purple mess on my head. I went home and cried, pathetic I know! But, as I texted my friend who I had lunch with prior to the disaster; there is no surprise to leaving a hairdressers unsatisfied. Actual story of my life.

It wasn't this though, for I straightened it and bunged some make up on and I actually looked really nice...really nice!

Even girly night, after being made late, I thought, there is no way in hell they will make me cake or get me a present; something we do for all our birthdays. I thought I would be forgotten. But alas, I could not have been more wrong. They hadn't forgotten me at all, and it was a fantastic present!

So, the big day. Let's just reel off the FANTASTICNESS of it. Tickets to see Fleetwood Mac, that's right. THE Fleetwood Mac, original Rumours line up, minus my Christine McVie which is a shame because I'm really enjoying her right now. Yeah so, best ever right? Once in a lifetime opportunity, so good. And my bloody Papa gave me a photo of my car; at first I thought he was just highlighting my love of photos, after he explained to me it meant the car was now mine, all debts written off. I was on cloud 9! I heard from who I wanted on the birthday wishes front. Chaz took me to Padstow, we had a meal at Rick Stein's chippy, went shopping in Truro and watched a film in the cinema (very apt). I genuinely felt like a princess. What amazing people I have in my life. So maybe it was because of all the greatness of these days that after it, it all crashed down?

It comes to the birthday night out, one hun cancels. The other huns come out, complain all night about how they don't want to be out and I get my bloody mood out. I couldn't help but feel that I didn't want this. Just wanted to run away, taking the good with me. I made it known.

"Jess it's your birthday! You're in the Ben and The Chain is on!"

That was what sorted me out. I danced to Paradise By The Dashboard Light and all 4 hours negativity was gone.

And it turns out that the good wanted to run with me too.

It wasn't even that bad, just wish I hadn't made it bad and put a downer on it. Need to have so much more belief in my friends and family. It shows how amazing they are. It really was the best year ever. I hope the dreams of running away go soon, it is draining.

P.S I am NEVER going to wear a jumpsuit out again, had to take it all off every time I went to the toilet! All that heartache, for what ended up being the worst outfit in history. There's gotta be a lesson to be learnt here, right?

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Location:Maiden Street,,United Kingdom

One more round before the final, and the subject is sport

I don't know what it is about the time around my birthday that makes me anxious and sad.

I seem to have it in my mind that this day is the conclusion of everything I deserve from what I have put in since last February.

Laughs upon laughs at girly night, then when it comes to planning a birthday night out, they can't afford it.

Lack of birthday wishes from people who once held the date heavy on their hearts.

I need to bloody snap out of it, grow up and be happy with what I do get. I know it is so immature, I recognise that! But at the end of every January, the feeling soon rears its ugly head.

What else could be worse than the birthday blues? A bad trip to the hairdressers; what a lethally depression combination. I asked for brown! Not red! And it's turned out purple. And I really needed a thorough cut, which, judging by the lack of hair on the floor, did not occur.

Give it a bloody rest Jess, it's only a haircut. I have to laugh about it all really, otherwise I really would cry.


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Location:Saint Michael's Road,Stratton,United Kingdom

We're more like best friends

I have been in a metaphorical pickle for a while now, questioning the meaning of life every night at 12am, even if my alarm is set for 4:45am. Not only is it tiring, but it is upsetting and tedious also.

I have a vision though; it's as if it is a screenshot of the future in my head. Doesn't even seem fictional or even too farfetched.

I don't know whether I should do things to aid it happening? I think I'll just carry on doing whatever, and if it's meant to happen then something will unravel...
A really nice thought though, looks perfect in fact. Which is just what every person in history wants for their life. Oh I hope it does happen! Last time I had a vision like this, I genuinely, 100% thought Strider from Blazin' Squad and I were going to end up together...

That probably didn't happen just because Jess took Frankie to the concert instead of me...

High hopes. Cute, little, hairy babies.

I know it's getting harder to be you

Just thought I'd express a moment of sheer happiness.

That moment when, you're a teenage girl (obviously) who has just discovered this fabulous band that are completely new to you (well not completely new, as you saw them on music channels before, but disregarded them because of the beards - silly girl). You literally cannot stop listening to this one song, and have it on repeat for around 300 turns. You like it so much that you decide to do further research, download the majority of their songs which come at the top of 'limewire' and then give them all a listen to see if you love them too.

Weeks later, you're still crazy on the band. In fact you are so in love in with the lead singer, you watch every single video and 'screenshot' it when he looks 'cute'. You also do some bullshit edits in paint of the two of you hugging (remember; teenage girl). You do even more research, desperately wanting more so you google the discography...oh wait, there's one you haven't downloaded yet. Might check out those lyrics...

You read along through, yeah they sound nice. Oh wait a minute...there's a name in it? Oh wait! It's your bloody name!!! In black and white, on the second album. No one can take this away from you. This isn't a shit picture you've made on a shit program, this is on their record.

You scramble to download it immediately, and as it plays you follow the lyrics with great anticipation until around one and a half minutes, and there it is; the screeched confession of loving you back.

I cannot wait to see the Kings of Leon this June.




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Location:Maiden Street,Stratton,United Kingdom

I turn the music up, I got my records on

I cannot believe how many people have apologised to me in the last few months. This isn't even over little things; big fall outs which have lasted months/years. And everyone seems to have just decided to like me again in November, December and January all of a sudden?

Am I a little more endearing than I was in 2011? Have I calmed down in my annoying and loud habits? Or maybe they have just realised I was never wanted the outcome of a fallout in the first place.

I genuinely thought that maybe I was a bit mental in how I reacted to reactions...but I am glad I stood my ground. Maybe I genuinely hadn't done anything at all? Them apologising obviously meant they recognised that it was in fact them who had made us no longer talk to each other.

Don't get me wrong; I make mistakes. I know I can be annoying, and highlight problems. I don't keep things bottled up to worry about; I like to deal with things head on, it may not be the best approach, but it's only ever to reach a solution which I think is where people misunderstand me. I may well sound like an asshole, but I mentioned it because I don't like it, and I'm mentioning it so we can sort it before I end up not liking it beyond repair.

Obviously some apologies have been accepted simply to make social events less awkward, some have been welcomed with open wide arms (bloody missed you) and one hasn't been accepted at all.

Roll on 2013; where the bad people are cut out instead of slagged off. You only get 10,000,000 chances with me! (Really have bloody missed you).

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Location:Corner Gardens,Stratton,United Kingdom

What is it with you and sport?

Sometimes I like to actually stick to my New Years resolutions...a whole year and not a single cigarette. Not a sausage, or even a drag!

I really do hope I can fulfill my next one throughout 2013; to work hard and be nice to people. I want to be respected and get things done, as well as having a clear conscience. All is going well so far; I've been trying to throw myself into situations I would have usually flat out avoided. They may not have always been successful, but I did then anyway! And it resulted in me coming home and crying... I've also only slagged off Debbie, but that's only because, honestly, no one gives a shit if you're allergic to nuts. Plus I wanted a text from Lucy :).

Today, well, recently has been quite a struggle. I am very much going through a mid twenty crisis. I am absolutely terrible with regards to believing the term "the grass is always greener on the other side". I have got to realise that even if I was on the other side, I would just as much want to be here. I have got to start enjoying what I have got and making the most of it.

Or I could save all my money, run off to Alaska and then die in an abandoned minibus because I identified an edible plant incorrectly...

I have a lot to do to grow, and I have a lot to do to improve. But I also have a lot to look forward to. Bring it on .


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Location:Corner Gardens,Stratton,United Kingdom

I was a champion roller skater

Nothing has changed recently, only my attitude. I've had the same friends since I was 11, when we left school we were with each other every weekend, during university years we saw each other in the holidays, and, since then, every Thursday evening we take the time out of our busy schedules, shit relationships and depressing lifestyles to get together and just laugh about it.

It's taken me over ten years to realise this, but they really are my support, the best part of my life! I can be anywhere with them, things may not have gone to plan, but we will still make the best of the situation and just have fun.

This is definitely inspired by a Sex and the City episode (which of my posts aren't? Really!) but they are my soul mates. I can be in the foulest of moods, dare I say it? Suicidal (I am exaggerating greatly) but, plonk me in a room with them, and we'll be laughing about what way to jump off a cliff.

I really hope everyone else has such a great friendship group too, because it is definitely needed! Everyone needs to know that relationships are not the be all and end all. I love Chaz to pieces, but nothing is more assuring than knowing you'll be just fine after your twathole man has cheated on you. With your best friend. Twice. It's gonna happen! (I'm praying it doesn't).

It's nice to know that they will run away with you when you want. It's nice to have a thought and then them saying "I know" and it's nice to have a happy and silly thought which you can text at a stupid time and you know you'll get a reply of "haha yes!!".

I am always so self deprecating, but no matter how shit I am, my friends really are anything but. Jesus, I actually love them. Roll on the next 90 years.




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Location:Fore Street,Stratton,United Kingdom

Money is the anthem of success

Please, please say this is the ending. I don't know whether I could make the other ending happen .


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You can't normalise. Don't it make you feel alive

Life has been full and full of sorting recently; sorting through relationships, memories, food and just stuff! Of course there are the few bits and pieces which I thought I would benefit from if I kept, but I've been ruthless from a completely selfish point of view, so I chucked them. Maybe some of it I shouldn't have disposed of, but that's my bed to snooze in. Plus I never would have worn that top.

Decluttering is at it's peak since I moved out from home, I simply have too much stuff! I have to ask my loved one to give up what three drawers he actally does have so I have room for all seven million of my bikinis. Absolutely ridiculous. I've also been dabbling in the world of Ebay, trying to let go of some DVDs which weren't sitting too comfortably on my brimming white bookcase. And boy is it exciting! One bid, 12 watchers and still three days to go. Wish me luck, so that I can treat my sister's on their birthdays as well as do what is on my financial to do list, so I can fucking relax a bit more.

From all this work, my insecurities, I think, are just about gone. If there is one thing I've learnt from my friends, I may not have the legs or tits they quite want; but my eyelashes are quite sought after it seems. Could be worse. I feel I'm ready to forget about all the silly irrational things that sent my mind mental, by writing the names of the people I'm insanely jealous of onto a piece of paper and letting them blow far out into the wind. Out of my mind.

Note I'm not burning them quite yet...might want to come back to them still. Oh Jess, you really are bloody mental. Oh well, swings and roundabouts you know hun? At least, with the friends I actually have left, and the new ones I have made, I can have a good old laugh about bullshit situations. Yippedy skiibop.

Once this bid is done with, and this fucking overdraft is reduced dramatically, I will chill out. I'll relax. I really need to.

Cue lovely holiday. Oh wait, NO MONEY. It's alright Jess, at least you have a car.

30 - 40

The ultimate, "I'll sleep when I die" attitude. Alas, it is finally gone, debts won't bladdy pay themselves (as it's taken me two years to work out). I'll just pop upstairs and watch it alone, which is a very scary thought, whilst the future mother-in-law continues watching tennis. I've tried understanding the scoring system but it is simply ridiculous. Oh well, pain is beauty and all that...



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Keep your head up, keep your heart strong

Another new year and with it comes the resolutions. However, due to my impressive acts over the last year, giving up smoking is not one of them. Neither is cutting loose the people who I felt made me feel bad about myself. As much of a cliche it is, you do only live once, so why have people around that make you feel bad about things that you honestly don't think was that bad in the first place? The feelings mutal, I'm not on my high horse or anything.

To say I've struggled without three people, who, this time last year, I considered to be the most important, is an understatement. But good things come to those who wait. Grass is always greener. You snooze, you lose.

The year ahead should, in theory, be happier and stress free, healthier and (hopefully) financially improved. Beautiful men are where it's at, that's where it's always been. Beautiful Charles.

Who would have thought I would not be a utilitarian? It's hard.

But another thing that isn't hard (or has to be done) is lose weight. Thank you, my wonderful Mexican holiday, not only did it open my eyes to the world, experience different cultures and allowed me to rub the tummy of a dolphin, bit is also provided food which had me on the toilet a million times a day, emptying everything single morsel in there, and making me have a body like a slightly over sized model which seems to have stayed that way since... God bless, and happy new year!

Cant stop

Sharting in my own mouth


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Take those pictures down, and shake it out

Stuck in a rut is my current location. Things seem to be constantly regurgitated and I haven't recieved romantic attention for a long time now. I don't want it all to not pay off...I fear things have reached that turn around point, where the power you once held has gone to the hands of the other, making you pathetic. Time will tell, I don't dwell on it often, only when I see a nice picture or when I realise I haven't done a lot recently.

A week away from payday, it's always the day I feel best, I no longer need to worry about what I need to do with money. I pay everything I owe and then I'm finally able to sleep at night.

After tomorrow I shall be feeling fabulous. Not only do I feel optimistic about finding romantic attention (there is a pie I am considering) tomorrow night, My best friend is coming back from Greece for a week, and then my other best friend will be returning from his Northern clutch. And what could possibly be better to accomodate this? A week of the ever so recently busy work.

I fully intend to be kissed, sunkissed and stoned throughout this next week, I'm far from growing up so I may as well relish in it.

Watch out Bude, for the boys, my white gut, and my laughter. I've gotta feeling...that tonight's gonna be a good week. Oh right. Pie, be out, and the other pie, come back. Still can't face the music, it's been way too long now.



That's how it starts, we go back to your house...




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You can hold her hand, and show her how you cry

Lots and lots of things have been sorted out. With my wages, I calculated the outgoings and took that away from the total, then set some money aside for this months essentials, such as petrol, deoderant, birthday presents and vet bills, and then I divided the rest into four weeks.

It feels good being in control of things. So in control, I have arranged a holiday of my own, flying to Mexico by myself and meeting a friend there. I haven't flown since I was two so it may be a bit daunting, but with most things I find myself underwhelmed so I imagine it'll be just fine. I imagined I would borrow 700 of the finest English pounds from my Papa, boosting the loan I have with all already by an extortionate amount, but that all changed today.

Mum told me of a surprise yesterday morning, saying that after work that evening I would find out what it was, it didn't happen that night, I presumed it would just be my old foster sister coming to visit, as I asked mum if it was a person, she said yes, but then said it wouldn't be family.

So this morning, I return home, and I ask dad if we can book the flights to Mexico, and he tells me to de research on the buses to and from the airport. So I rush upstairs, and then he calls me back downstairs as there is someone to see me. He gestures me to the back door and my next door neighbour is perched on his steps. I automatically become anxious, as the last time this happened, Dave had given me £1000. My heart starts racing as I see he holds an envelope behind his back. He hands it over, saying that he was offered a job in America and he turned it down and he regretted it, and then he hands me over an envelope, with "Jess, Mexico bound" on the front. I hug him and then tell him he is the greatest person in the world, along with roughly a million thank yous, and then I retreat back to the comfort of my own home to open it. Another cheque for £1000. I am officially the luckiest girl in the world. I really hope I deserve it. I hope he doesn't regret his decision and I make him proud.

Just some things in life you just can't believe.

Splish splash I was taking a bath

This week, employment-wise, is going to kill me. I have so many more hours to do until I can relax again.

Payday is today, I have had to plan every last detail, even pennies, to ensure that this month I will be able to support the life I have made myself. After all spendings, I'm looking at having roughly £25 a week. Such a hard knock life.

Everything is just revolving around plans, what my money will be spent on, who's available, who wants the same kind of things in life.

Next month I should be feeling better, financially, just craving that spontanaity my life needs a dash of right now.

I need money to get there though, and severe planning. Catch 22? Or just a big massive poo, probably a mixture of the two. I truly hope my bov for life rating reduces a considerable amount this time tomorrow.

Forever, The Drama Queen.

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Location:Burn View,Bude,United Kingdom

It's more than a feeling when I hear that old song they used to play

After an extremely hard working week, I am ready to fully embrace this next week off. I actually feel like I deserve it. Sleeping is getting better, I don't need a film to send to sleep these days. Must get more comfortable pillows though.

The future week is looking nice and full, should keep my mind from the lack of money and cigarettes. Pig has just informed me that he will no longer support my disgusting habit after today, finally putting his foot down. So, a haircut on the Monday. I hate not being able to dye my hair, but there was a reminder why on Eggheads a couple of days ago. Hopefully a shorter fringe will feed my craving for change. Tuesday will (hopefully) be my last driving lesson with the lovely Rob, sometimes I just like to think I'll fail so I can see him again and talk about our crazy drunken escapades and love for Fleetwood Mac. Other times I just think, come on, pass your fucking test it's been ages. So that will hopefully be on Wednesday. Thursday I shall pack and Friday I shall depart to another county to wish happiness within my sister's marriage.

So eventful, this is what growing up is made of. I'm starting to think I should start getting there now, think I'll give my bad single self a good send off at the end of 2011, plenty of time right? Plenty of time to do stupid things that no right minded person of the age of 22 would ever do. I like licking fucking stones alright? And making up parodies about assholes. Still though, America is starting to be almost a certainty, just gotta rely on money and good planning. I've mastered one, the events of this week will determine of whether I have mastered the other.

Thanks guys

Guy #1:"Maybe we should think about being together for real?"

"What? I thought you wanted to take things slow?"

Guy #1:"Yeah, buts it's been months now!"

"Wow, ok, wasn't expecting that. Yeah alright. Let's do it"

Literally days later...

Guy #1"I don't think this will work..."

Guy #2: "I get crazy jealous about you, I think that when I get back and if things are still the same between us, we should give things a go. You up for that?"

"Wow, ok, wasn't expecting that. Yeah alright. Let's do it"

Just... never replies to texts. Why bother even instigating it?! Cheers boys. I've got a rocket and you and your mates are going on it. And never coming back.

Well, until next week or something.




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Let's get together before we get much older

I've got to the end of the party stage...I'm starting to regret everything all at once. It seems like uni was the biggest waste of 3 years of my life. I didn't even have that much fun, and at the moment I don't even see a career within graphics or journalism. Should have just done a degree in Sainsbury's. I really, like really, hope I manage to pass my driving test later this month, just so that I've accomplished at last something since I've left uni, other than becoming a slut.

I suppose I've mastered the art of not falling in love with every single guy that shows attention, I think it's a pretty good skill to have so glad I have obtained it. Just hope it doesn't make me numb, hopefully I'll be feeling something soon.

Never felt so independent before, it's so strange. I feel so lonely but I'm never alone. Maybe just alone in my farfetched thoughts and unrealistics goals. I'm hard on myself but it's better this way. So, this weekend, another regurgitated night out in Bude; Drink round Toby's, meet Regard at the Ben and then Da will show up later. Dominate the jukebox with the same songs we play every weekend, and the same songs I play on my phone all week. Go to Rogue, lose Da and maybe get caught dancing by myself and be accused of taking crack. Maybe stumble home with one of three boys. And I can't wait.

All I need to do it pass my test and find a female partner in crime who isn't tainted by the love of a boy, or the consequences of being with one, and I'll be the luckiest person alive.

They can't bring us down

Day 5 - A song that reminds you of someone



The wonderful start to one of my best summers yet (excluding childhood ones, obviously). For the beautiful Tabby; together we can make it. Even if it means we're together just sat in Morrison's carpark, driving round country lanes and emptying your car in the same place every six months. Laughing at certain families and people, and each other. Best sense of humour ever. It's like clothes; you choose the best in the shop that fits and looks just right. Tabby is my favourite methaphorical clothing. She would be my jumper.

Always silent. Always silent now

I wrote something and deleted it. I will continue with the "I'll sleep when I die" attitude, it's the best. Something I saw on Facebook, and thought I would like to participate in; 30 Day Song Challenge. I'm a few days behind, and, being completely honest, might not even end up completing it. But I'm here for the moment.

Day 1: Your favourite song

How can I possibly choose just one song. Actually been sat here a while now, trying to think of what it could possibly be. Basing it on the difficulty of choosing just one song, out of all of them in the world, I will choose my favourite from the last couple of months. The award goes to miss Katy Perry, for the wonderful Teenage Dream.



My ringtone now for the last 6 months, this tune has accompanied me through one of the funnest times of my lives. Meeting such a special person, this song is one that reminds me of them that I can bear to listen to. It's my trademark song at my local. I may well be dancing on a pool table and kissing your boyfriend, but I have a fringe like Katy Perry so I'll sing it like I'm her. And hopefully get a tattoo on my bicep...


Day 2: Your least favourite song

Again, just one? I'm finding it hard to choose between a Gabrielle classic and the bullshit Ace of Spades...fuck it. Sorry Lemmy, your voice is horrible.



Day 3 - A song that makes you happy

Decisions, decisions. I'm just thinking about what songs I can always rely on to perk me up. It's gonna have to be Tusk.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LR_goU4fJA8&feature=related

Not allowed to embed that one. Cheers. Not allowed to make other people happy.

Day 4 - A song that makes you sad

I don't know about making me sad. I listen to songs when I am sad, they're not usually sad, just chilled. Don't know whether to go back to Fleetwood Mac or not...I won't.



I'd do it all for you. I would