If I told you things I did before, told you how I used to be, would you go along with someone like me?

So much has changed, things are definately taking a turning and at the moment I don't know whether it'll be good or bad. I hope it's for the best though, as it was my decision.

Nearly time to leave everything behind again, I'm optimistic though. I'm going to try this time. I am interested. So interested. In so much more things than one.

I can hold your beautiful hands, and kiss your beautiful eyelids

Well a lot has changed really, said goodbye to trusty Newton Hall, it was rather sad, but maybe good to leave it behind. Back at home being the busiest person in the world. Chambermaiding with the biggest gossips in town and out everynight trying to cover everything I've been missing out on.

I'm just going to rest my poor little feet til around 5, maybe catch up on a bit of Bad Girls. Not much longer to go, which is rather sad. Only one bg thing left on my to do list, it'll probably remain that way until a week or so before the deadline. I love how I never learn my lesson. It'll come bite me in the ass one day, just like I hope that that will come back one day. When I really need it. Although, I don't see it being too hard to conquor. S'laters pink

So are you ready to cut them down to 3? The final three

So today probably couldn't have been any worse. First, an exam, followed by complete down pour, a delayed taxi (I stole "Danielle's" in the end) followed by soggy Avon books.

However, I will make lots of money this time! I am still awaiting to hear from the Hotel and I have finished my first year!

A dream celebration would be a trip to the fair, to be pinned back on the waltzers with a massive smile on my face, maybe throw in a video of the laughter. And after, a stick of candyfloss, winning one (maybe two) goldfish and just flushing them down the toilet when we move. Followed by alcoholic consumption and a wee play on Mario Party 8.

Rain rain, fucking go away!

That's where I'm going, where are you going?

Dream catch me, yeah, dream catch me when I fall. Else I won't come back at all.

I've been with Pat a year! Wow. First relationship is a long one then, that'll look good on my resume.

It's all coming to an end, it seems to have been a rather fast process, I hope I don't have a repeat of college. I can't wait for it all to be finished, and can't wait to have a repeat of last summer, but even longer this time!

Tomorrow I need to resize and collect two green sheets. Man, it feels good to finally let go of everything.

J'adore the pain in my chest and the gut that flumps around. I'm actually happy though.

Isn't she the cutest thing you've seen in your life!

He said "Hey sister, it's really nice to meet ya"

The tickets for my trip have arrived.

Take me on a trip, I'd like to go someday

I would love a trip, I've been craving one for quite a while now. I don't know why I'm so down lately, whether it being due to Karen going, moving away from home, being in a relationship or simply growing up. It is probably a combination of the four.

I've never found giving up smoking so easy, or losing weight so hard. The uni work will be fine, I believe, so I try not to let that put me down. But there's always something there, oh yeah - told you so. I'm finding myself stand up for myself more, people may see that as a good thing, but I think it makes me looks insane.

I love James from American Big Brother, I really hope he goes straight to the end, festering Sheila and the rest, NO ONE CARES ABOUT MATTY ANYMORE, LET IT GO. But yeah, I'm pretty annoyed that I missed the episode where Chelsia went mental. Yeah, so James, he looks like the singer guy from Alphabeat, actually can't get enough of that song Fascination.

I can't wait for it to come out on SingStar. So, to summarise it all, I'm feeling really withdrawn and lonely. I'm really hoping it's just a state of mind, and it's not all about growing up, because otherwise I'm actually screwed.

Poor old Jess

That was as good as it got

Seriously, I manage to sort out one problem and they keep get thrown back in face. This has been nothing but a fight the whole time and it's starting to get out of my control. This is so annoying, and I knew it would happen. Just like I know that a certain someone is going to be in a certain place on a certain date. If it does happen, like I know it will, then I've been taken for a mug. I hate that expression.

Read my lips, I'm into you, I'm into you

Good old Kylie. "Every song she releases is guaranteed to be good"

"What about Westlife? They had a number of consecutive number ones!"

"Yeah, they're well good"

That is the kind of things that me and my boyfriend talk about. Oh yes, still have a boyfriend. I've also recently adopted a job, it may be just delivering and collecting, but it's fun! And yeah, I may get only £35 every 3 weeks, but it's fun!

It'll do. So finally, I have a job, a boyfriend for nearly a year and things are going swell. All my work is up to date for uni and I've attended every lecture and seminar this week.

Who needs friends, aye? I can no longer relate to The Bucket as I am now 19, which has made me a little sad, but I can always find another one to relate to.

Probably won't be by Kylie or Westlife though I'm afraid.

James Blunt is being quite good again, I hated him for a brief while for obivous reasons, but I'm slowly starting to accept him again.

I am rather scared about meeting my PAT today, if he's rude to me in real life I am sure that I will probably start crying. Oh yeah, and I've given up smoking, put taken up getting fat.

Every cloud has a silver lining, mate.

Here I go...

Where you can discover the pirate within

It feels as though I haven't had any stories to write about for the last few months. And I know it's because I haven't been with my friends, and nowhere else seems to inspire me to write stories. I will be going home for my Christmas break tomorrow, and I have a delicious 3 weeks to collect as many stories as possible. I can't wait

Finally make something happen

I watch as a small, grey-haired woman appears at my doorway, carrying a little blond boy. I see her glance around my tiny home, her face winces and she says nothing, but I know it is because of the disapproval of the cigarette smell. As I make her tea consisting of milk, no sugar, I think about how this woman has managed to cope through the death of her daughter, to look after her grandson as if he was her own and to help set up a successful organisation. I look at her endearingly, after all that she had been through; she still had time to worry about my health.

She introduces me to her grandson, Jacob, as I pass her the tea. She examines it, almost as if I had not quite met her experienced standards. “I’ve only ever got drunk once, I hate the feeling of being out of control, I usually drink Schleur around Christmas, it manages to give me the same feeling of giddiness.” I smile at her as she takes a sip and smiles at me with reassurance that the tea was actually decent; I find the sweetness of this 52 year old woman remarkable.

Maria Sturt of Bude, Cornwall, brightens with pride as she tells me of her 33 year long marriage to David, an army man and the five daughters she had with him. She goes on to tell me of an organisation she helped set up due to the inspiration Jacob gave when he lost his mother at two years old. Jacob has Downs Syndrome.

Maria describes how The Little Rays of Sunshine Club was set up for children not only with Downs Syndrome, but for children with other disabilities too, in the early months of 2006, by herself and David in memory of their cherished daughter, Karen. The idea was conjured when a total of over £1,100 was raised for the Downs Syndrome Association at her funeral, when the family requested donations rather than flowers.

“Little Rays of Sunshine is a joy to me as friendships have been made, views exchanged. Children have become more confident causing life changing behaviour.”

I write down a list, which seems endless, of the events that have taken place, such as a sponsored abseil where around 30 people of all ages participated, a charity disco, a charity bingo game, a trip to Disneyland Paris for 49 children which took up a weekend, a charity rugby game, a fundraiser barbecue with all the trimmings and finally a Christmas party with the children in the special needs unit at the local school. The activities which are yet to take place are swimming with a surf instructor for 6 weeks and, finally, more sessions at the local school, allowing incorporation amongst the children within the two groups. These events have added up to the total of £3,300.

As I scribble down the quotes Maria seems to have repeated million times before, I look at her, and sure enough I can see it in her eyes, the ticking of appropriate boxes. “We would like to dedicate the Little Ray’s of Sunshine Club to honour Karen’s memory, while it was in losing her which proved to be the main channel for it’s induction, we believe that had she lived, she would have tried to do something similar herself.” It is at this point I find myself invasive, I look at her and she shrugs, but on her face is a suggestive, proud smile. So I continue.






So I asked about Karen, the pure smile was replaced with a face that I could never describe. A face of loss and remorse; a face I wish to never experience again. Karen was Maria’s third daughter, the only one of which to bless her and David with a grandchild. Karen was 19 when she gave birth to Jacob Isaac in 2003, the son who was the inspiration for the club.

“Karen was tragically killed in a road accident in November 2005, she’d recently past her test, and it hit the family hard. Especially with Jacob, she did everything she could for that boy and sometimes it just feels like what I do is somewhat inadequate in comparison.” I look again at Maria’s eyes, but this time I see no boxes eager to be ticked, no rehearsed answers. As her eyes reach my saddened gaze, she somehow manages to read my mind. She knew I wanted to know how she could even begin to carry on with life.

“Life means very little without God, prayers change what seems hopeless. God loves answering prayer. I couldn't have got through this horrible time without Him. Once you know Him you can’t live without Him. He means everything to me. I trust that He has got Karen safe and I know that if Karen was offered the way back she wouldn't want to come back as she has the best ever.”

“I still find it painful that Karen’s not here to see how Jacob is developing. She would be so proud of him. He used the potty twice for me in one day for the first time! I’m looking forward to when we meet up again.” And with that, I believe that all my boxes have been ticked.

As I say my goodbyes, I give Jacob a big kiss and a cuddle. Karen always said I’d be his favourite Aunty.

I know I can count on you

I have the longest to do list in the world, and it's all to do with work, which I'm not over pleased about. I have ACTUAL bov for it, but I'm going to have to do it. I've had this feeling before, and I've always managed to sort things in the end, so I don't know why I'm worrying about it. I will hopefully cause a reasonable sized dent in the workload my next week. Just need to start acting like a grown up! This is what I have (unfourtunately) decided to do with my life; I've made the festering bed of unwantedness, and now I'm having to die in it.

I just can't help thinking I've made such a big mistake, well, so many big mistakes. They'll all resolve themselves soon, well, soon is 3 years if I decide to carry on. The other soon is pretty much round the corner.

I would just like to dance in my room, chuck on a cd and boogie, with no fear of the people downstairs complaining about my odd ways of losing weight. Even if I was home I wouldn't be able to do it anyway, as my cd player appears to be broken, which is annoying.

Songs just don't have their original meanings anymore, and everyone knows what the meaning of songs is to me. Naw.

The day that you fall, I'll be right behind you

So it has inevitably arrived, the two year mark. And I think that it has hit me harder than ever before. It feels as though every single negative emotion you can possibly think of has filled my body and multiplied by a million. I can't stop crying, and I can't stop thinking. And I can't stop listening to McFly, apparantly.

Sometimes when I close my eyes, I just see myself looking at you from the landing, wincing and laughing at your gunged up eye and how you chased me around the house with it to make me cry. I think of how you could into my room when you wanted to dance or talk. I remember not doing what you asked and how you did everything I ever asked for.

I hate remembering, I don't want to remember anything. I just want to experience things with you now, and it's actually impossible. There's nothing I can do and there's nothing I can do to overcome this! Life is so unfair, and it seems as though I have only just come to realise this. I really fucking miss you Karen.

I always do.

I've got mixed up memories and I've got favourite places

I'm singing uh - oh on a Friday night and I hope everything is gonna be alright.

So what has the world come to? A place in time when everyone can be found using the internet. A place where you can't escape from the past which means that the future is being prevented with taints from a past time.

I don't want to be the girl focussing on the past of relationships, I want to working on my future ones. I'm fed up of my heart slowly tearing, and the most petrifying thing is that I know for a fact my heart is going to break, at least another 6 times. There's nothing I can do about it, it would be fighting the inevitable.

It's both amazing and scary at what can happen in a year. I got this idea from watching a documentry on soaps, Sonia goes from a lesbian to a fucked up weirdo in a few weeks. Good old Eastenders, I know it shouldn't be what lives should be based on, but it's a soap for a reason; the realistic story lines which occur.

This time last year I was scard about facing the one year mark, of tying down a relationship which was heading nowhere, and completely trusting my friends. I'm not facing the two year mark, I'm in a relationship I don't want to ever end and I use my friends for fun, they're not there to trust anymore. I'm writing this because I'm trying to find answers of easy ways out without being hurt, and there are none. Life really is so sad, no matter how much fun you can have, or whatever you can manage to get over, there's always going to be something to knock you back down to the ground again.

99 problems but a bitch ain't 1

Well, for a start, a "bitch" is one of my 99 problems. Along with the prospects of growning up. Seriously, I wish I could just be 7 again, when relationships were a game of kiss chase and a quick flash in the swimming pool and nurses probed only your ears.

Everybody wants to know her na-a-a-a-a-a-a-ame. Not my name though. She's just a weirdo with no name. I'm just a weirdo with no name and no colours in my hair! Before I set off I planned everything that I would do that day, what I would say and how we would spend the weekend having a friendly banter over a pint and southern comfort with lemonade. My opportunity couldn't have been more perfect, just before a lesson together, I was outside having a fag and he popped along and sat about half a metre away from me. At that point I tried figuring out how to start the topic of becoming friends, then the ost perfect situatuion happened! He dropped a rizla and it flew so close to me and I laughed, then I said "Hey, so you wanna be friends?, he said yeah an we're going out for that friendly drink tonight.

Not really, I said nothing after the laugh. Then after my fag I just walked straight back in and sat in my classroom, later to be joined by "Travis". the rest of the day wasn't too bad friend-making wise, my table was discussing films and I participated. I even had one of those moments when someone else does something really funny, so you instantly look to the person next to you to secretly laugh at them! It felt good. But what doesn't feel good is having no plans for the weekend, with no one to talk to and throwing up. Twice.

Fingers crossed for next week then

Disappointing crab, and the host was rude

Jealousy. That fucking feeling.

No matter how much you hate being jealous, you can't do anything about it, to my belief anyway.

It's the sort of thing that you hate being, but if other people feel it about you then it gives some sort of strength of power. Power or no power, I want this feeling to go away.

I want to be "that carefree girl", you know, the one that never gets hurt or stresses out about a simple look at a girl, or communication between the beloved man and his fucking ex bitches of girlfriends. However, the way I see it, to be carefree you never get hurt. But to never be hurt is to nevr get involved.

But I want to get involved. I want to be neck-deep in involvedness, fuck it, I want to be drowning in involvedness. But to be involved is to be jealous.

I'm fucked...and powerful

I don't mean to be rude, but it's not the first time you split up is it?

So after years of education, I only have to wait another 4 days to let the good times roll. And after a year of growing my hair, it has one more day to breathe in this world before I shop it all off. Of course I'm a little scared, about both uni and the haircut, but it'll be fine! Because things always are.

Today I recieved a letter from my friend, it included pictures of her guinea pigs, what a sweet, sweet girl. They are quite cute, although I will never purchase one, I'm a dog kinda girl , ya know what I'm saying blood? Geeze? Cheeks? Dead?

I wonder who I'll meet at uni, I'm gonna be living with like 3 of the people I meet this time next year! Now that's a scary thought. I guess this time last year I would have no idea of living and being with Pat, who is of course God's answer to the word perfection. Actually Jess with a willy, which all my blog readers know is what I've been searching for pretty much all my life.

And there's sex! Haha, oh God I hope my Dad never finds this. My arm aches, and Jeremy wants me to pay attention.

Making tea in your underwear

I had to face two big issues today. The first being my festering period, it's so annoying and achey. The other were bills! Bills that had been festering around the flat because they weren't actually addressed to us, but to our Landlord so I thought it would be rude to open them. I tried to resolve this by putting all the unwanted mail in the mail area, I got told off "mew...code of conduct...dispose of or resend..." and as I don't know the addresses of festering Mr and Mrs Nurse I decided to chuck them.

The mail I got today for William Bowker said Chester Cunty Council on the envelope so I thought I would browse the letter before chucking it. BAM pay 100 pounds in one week or we'll increase it to 700 ;)

But I've rang them and explained everything...can't wait for uni. Can't wait to write about exciting days, can't wait to go out! Getting hair sorted next Wednesday, don't know whether to try something new...or continue with the plan of growing it long. My hairs been alright this way though, not many split ends and I don't have to spend loads of time on it before going out. Just depends on whether I get a massive brainwave with a fantastic idea before then. Fingers crossed I don't! Ha

If you want to use my body go for it

Times are a-changing. I've moved from home, with a man! Heading for University to study for a few more years until I find something else more fulfilling.

I'm sitting down here...

So, basically, I have just finished the two A2 exams that I am ever going to participate in. And I did them so well and I am so proud.

And so fucking happy that I will never have to do anything again and that for the next months of my life I can sit in the sun and catch a tan.

However, there is a downfall towards this new celebration. Basically, when I was in the exam all my friends decided to fuck off down town so I am now on a computer in college. In the fucking library. I am certainly not happy with this. Actually never had this situation before and I hope I never have to experience it again! Just boredom with actually no idea on what to do or where to even do it.

Poor blog, I just abuse you when I have nothing better to do. Unlucky

Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?

Whatever will be, will be. The futures not ours to see. I am coming to the end of an era, with the next era unknown. Should I go for the experience? Or just fester. I need education to have a good time, I like following papers and being told what to do. The life of cleaning is just not for me. Won't tell Daddy that just yet though.

I met the love of my life, the whole 30 seconds where we gazed into eachothers eyes was the most special moment of my life. Shame it was cut so short by some rowdy boys who liked to bop to "Taper Jean Girl". Everytime I hear that song now I fear the crush.

I must not be like my sister, I must pay interest to the other, I should talk to the other and I should visit the final one. I wish I did what I planned to, otherwise I would be more than successful. I would probably be ruling the world.