Always quiet now

Another new year, another few resolutions but this time with not a future in view.



My best friend is going to give birth to a little girl in two weeks. It's crazy how people are growing up these days. I swear I've been saying that for the last three years of my life. Now that I've almost accomplished my goals (excluding the weight loss one, which is pretty annoying) I have no idea what to make my new ones.

I could either run away and grow up? Write and write to Q until they finally find me funny and offer me a sweet little job following pretty bearded men around. I could use all the cups and chicken salt and pepper pots I have collected over the years to fill my very own little kitchen cupboards. It'll be here where I can entertain friends before nights out of extremely heavy doses of Fleetwood Mac on the old jukebox, and then entertain lovers when I'm a drunken mess.

An alternative to this is to stay put for a while, and after paying all my family debts, start saving for a flight to North America with plenty of savings to cover the costs of purchasing a sexy little van (which runs just fine) over the desirable country. Making lots of friends everywhere I go, I have that cute English accent you see, being remembered as that crazy girl with the little rabbit and the great fondness of Caleb Followill. I'll have different people travelling with me at different times, making the friends for life you always hear about. Making money in little jobs and leaving your mark all over the place, making graphic designer friends who have contacts, who I'll arrange to meet after the flight back to England. Maybe even sleep with Caleb during my two week stay in Tennessee! Wow, that would be nice. Get pregnant, tell everyone that the Jessica mentioned in 'Where Nobody Knows' was actually me.

But what will happen? Possibly stay in the Sainsbury's bakery for the rest of my life.

Life is what you make it, and right now for me that means going out at the weekends and pulling my shorts down so I am just walking around the pub in my crap little pants. I really wish I didn't feel the need to get naked once I've had a few. Aw, I want America to happen. I might just make it you know

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Location:Princes St,Bude,United Kingdom

What if one of us had the guts tonight?

A lot has happened and so much has changed. Luckily this includes the colours of my bedroom walls. Three and a half years has been forgotten in...how many months has it been? Mental. Stacking shelves made me a new person and got me further to the idolised hat. The driving dream has finally been accomplished, quite a happy little driver. Just need to perfect the steering whilst dancing now. I will be out of here by hopefully early next year. I love how all I ever say is how I want to go home, but I just want to grow up and do something. Can't wait to have my own little flat with Robbie and make new friends. Where Tabby will not be writing on the walls... For once I'm the one that's been left behind, for a dream life in Crete, a university course and a baby. Everyone else is growing up and I feel more behind than ever. I've even forgotten how to write, I wonder why the NME don't want me. Probably because I'm bullshit and can't even pass my theory test after two attempts.

You became the light on the dark side of me

Well I certainly woke up to something, I wish I never wished for it. My best friend's mum passed away early in the morning. Rest in peace Tracy, I'll look after Corrine.


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With your hands in the air ou look like the girl at the fair with the bubbly eyes

Sleeping is getting hard. Just reinforced my quality music collection on my iPhone so thought I'd be all ridiculous and listen to a few songs and wrote what they mean to me. I'm so crazy...

Underworld - Born Slippy. A million memories of this, being at Mon's playing around the world on the dartboard. Being completely terrified when I watched Trainspotting for the first time, which then grew into a great love interest within heroin and it's most famous users. Finally, almost falling in love next to the canal.

Lynyrd Skynard - Freebird. Unfortunately, it reminds me of the remake of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, never has the thought of nails being imbedded in a wall been so sickening. It also reminds me of a million hours wasted on guitar hero, actually had to listen to the same 4/5 minute beginning a million times before I actually managed to complete it on hard mode, I do so screaming the whole way through the guitar solos.

Plastic Bertrand - Ca Plane Pour Moi. Disregarding the advert, this reminds me of the wonderful Prick from graphics at college. Trying on my t shirt, generally playing on the fact that everyone thought he was a grumpy man, when he was actually love. Also that time when I was in an open access room at uni and my phone stupidly decided to start playing, was so embarassing. No wonder I left Chester with no friends.

Kate Nash - Foundations. Wow, when I first heard this on the radio Pat was driving me home from his. I laughed at the lyric "I'd rather be with your mates because they're much fitter" and I got in a lot of trouble. It was also the song which was featured heavily in the heartbreaking soundtrack of leaving Bude behind for Chester.

Born Ruffians - Hummingbird. Again, apart from the Orange advert, just reminds me of when it was my message tone. My friends would get annoyed with the introduction because it would keep going off as Pat would give me shit all night for being at my friends house. This leads onto memories of playing Cluedo until around 5 in the morning, and losing every single time.

Kylie Minogue - In My Arms. This reminds me of the summer of 2008. Tabby, obviously, has the latest Now cd, so it would be
Played constantly as we drove round to Canworthy Water and Northcott, getting near enough naked on hay bails and getting caught, dancing to Michael Jackson's Thriller on clifftops and visiting haunted houses which sheep now occupy.

Bette Midler - Wind Beneath My Wings. This is quite apt, as I decided to watch Beaches instead of the World Cup final today. This reminds me of going to North Tamerton every Friday night with the South's. On the way home, I'd be staring up at the stars in the sky praying with all my heart that Aaron wouldn't be sick on me. This memory goes hand in hand with From A Distance aswell.

Justice vs Simian - We Are Your Friends. Not only was this played as Nikki Graham's music for her best bits after being evicted from the Big Brother house... it was a little more personal too. Sian and I were invited to a Spice Girls party, naturally I was Baby and she was Scary. This was supposed to be the song being played in the car where the boys we fancied were... Alas, they never arrived with the lift. We had to walk around 7 miles home, Sian complete with 6 inch leopard print heels. At the end of it all, I threw my shoe at her brothers bedroom window, and we were able to rest.

System Of A Down - Chop Suey. Drinking Tia Maria at the age of 15, headbanging in front of the computer and jumping around the computer with Tabby. And generally doing the same dance wherever we were when we heard it.

I was hoping to make more of an impact with my return here, so much has changed. I have a degree which my father is not proud of in the slightest, I have a job which I know I will love the whole time I'm there, I have a provisional driving license in my wallet and I have no one holding my hand anymore. Laura. Hopefully I'll wake up to something nice, something to help me sleep better at night. Or maybe I just shouldn't listen to music when going to sleep.










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Would you really rush out for me now?

So, this is the last time I'm going to be watching Glee in Chester, so I thought I'd write a post about it. Not about Glee, about "lasts". I am literally days away from escaping hell, the thoughts of sadness and missing people are all out of the window.

Tomorrow will be my last seminar, my last time up Kingsway.
Thursday will be my last exam, my last thing to do for uni.
Friday morning will be the last in this flat.

I always focus of "lasts", it makes everything a last. I can't wait for my firsts though, seriously.

My first summer without thinking of having to leave everything all behind at the end of it all.
My first proper job.
My first driving lesson.

Things will be good, as soon as my feet touch cornish soil. Seriously, why do my friends want to leave Bude when I can't think of anything more worse? They just don't know how good they've got it. Or they just don't live with lazy, selfish, controlling alcoholics. Oh man, Friday morning, I wait for you with great haste.

I need someone beside me in everything I do

Days are getting better and better, if not sentimental. Handed in the penultimate project, a magazine that I am very much proud of (my friends tell me I should be too), so supportive they are.

Can't believe just one more project, an essay and two exams are the only things between me and finishing uni. I know that I've had bov for it all this time, but now it's coming to the end I fear I will miss Kingsway. And the tramps in the subway that I always give money to.

High hopes are in front, with driving and dancing at the same time being my main goal. Oh I wish I was a dancer. Better do a degree in journalism and graphic design then.

A little on the edge of seventeen

Just like the white winged dove sings a song like she's singing, I am working hard like a trojan for the last few weeks left at university...

Or at least I would be if the festering technician was actually qualified. I should have never exposed Mike's kindness. That Alan has damaged me in more ways than one.

I'm almost ready to throw away all academic lifestyle, move to California and fal in love with Lindsay Buckhingham. Oh wait, that wasn't me...that was my idol.

The sun is out and it is waiting for me to pop out so it can kiss my massive cheeks and the roots of my red hair. It's quite nice growing up, where all your friends are uccessful within different areas of everything. I feel like I belong in Sex And The City. This weekend, however, I'm ditching Sam and her PR qualities, as well as Miranda and her law, Charlotte and her art knowledge. I'm off to see my very own technician and his stylist boyfriend.

I wonder if he'll delete my work and waste 2 hours of my time aswell? Look at me, oh look at me is this the way I'll always be?

I certainly hope so. Because I enjoy salmon and I will be hot.

Drowning in the sea of love where everybody would love to drown

Lots of things are sorted, some are not but are heading in the right direction.

For example, I'm supposed to be writing up my dissertation at the moment, I'm just editing, got the front page, abstract and introduction done. Lots needs to be done on the rest...I have to collect bookbooks tomorrow, and to make notes form the books I already have out.

Next Thursday I can experience sun and warmth! Hate the North West. Roll on the next two months baby, I'm ready to become a designer of some sort. I want money, I want to pay off everything and I want to just chill the fuck out.

Better get on then.

Come on skinny love, what happened here?

I'm a complete mess, of hunger, sleep deprivation and just general sickness. At least I was appreciated earlier, it's nice when people look at your face to make themselves feel better. I have finally found something I am good at, it's a shame I cannot just have a career in converting shorthand into longhand though...

All work and no play has left me questionning my friends. I think too much anyway, but I await this weekend with great haste. I want to dance and I want to sleep on a floor with just a duvet and crap cushion. Oh Manchester, what have you to offer me?

Can't wait for these 2 months to be over, no doubt I'll miss it when I'm gone.

But then again...maybe not.

On the day that we left the neighbourhood heart skipped a beat

When we come back, I know it'll all look the same.

Massive blow up on the 'growing up' front on Friday. Had to do a presentation for journalism, had to pitch an idea for a magazine. The ultimate crumble, I wonder if when I die I can just watch my whole life over again. I would press the fast forward button as soon as it came to bit where my shoe fell off. Guaranteed my sweat patches were on full display aswell, had a massive heat flush.

I would also pause it when my sister made me noodles, and keep rewinding it when my good friend made me almost spill my guts on the dancefloor when he mimed to 'Better Off Alone'. At the moment though, it's just at a steady play pace. Things are on track, no doubt the fucking presentation I have to do on Tuesday will make me trip up all over again. This is the time when I need to act on what I have learnt from mistakes, and to actually make sense.

I'm clearly not ready for the big wide world. What job can I get where I don't have to talk to anyone at all? Where work stays only in the workplace and where a good wage is available? Oh man, I've really gotta grow up. That or win the lottery.

Time is contagious; everybody's getting old.



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Location:City Rd,Chester,United Kingdom

Gonna write a song so she can see, give her all the love she gives to me

She's not anyone.

But I am. Oh I certainly am. I am an organised one, a disciplined one. I set myself targets and I get these targets done when they're needed to. I also plan ahead, for things that don't necessarily matter at the moment. And because of this, I believe my third year will be a breeze.

I'll get the 4000 word essay draft completed tonight, along with the Shorthand practice cd. Then Monday - Friday I will finish my dissertation draft. Hand them all in, party like a slut on my birthday and then get back to work. From 9th February onwards, I shall work on my Corporate Design stuff, keeping in mind the ideas for my magazine for Journalism.

All I'm gonna have to do is juggle between two things I believe will roll smoothly once I get deep into them, and I'm not too far away from that at all.

It's all my brain ever thinks about. I go to bed at 2, look at the time at 3 after thinking of all the greatest things to do. I'm losing sleep over this, and weight. Bargain.

It's been a while...

During the busiest lifestyle ever, I have still found the time to come to uni, go to the seminar which may not be so important as the deadline has just passed, but will the lecturer be there to take the seminar?

Oh no, of course not. Wouldn't want little Jessy ACTUALLY being on track with her uni work. We'll just hinder her ;) They are cheeky little toerags. Pretty annoying toerags at that. I would have gone straight home, but I've got to pick up my little man with some of him missing...

I certainly hope he doesn't hate me after. Or die for that matter. I've missed him a lot today, my heart will break if he doesn't return home with me. Although lovely Jo hasn't rung to say he's bad so everything will be just fiiiine.

And everything in my life will be fine if I get my festering work done to the to do lists that I prepare myself almost every single day! Jeez Louise, if I was anymore organised I would be a poop mouth coming out of your mouth. Of the organised kind.

Seriously though, I've got to sort myself out, just a couple more months of this annoying lifestyle and then I can do whatever I want when I want. Well, not really, but it'll probably be a little more flexible.

A party and a holiday are in view. But they won't happen if I don't get this done sweethearts! Oh yes they will, I'll just tell myself that to keep me motivated. 21? Bring it on.

I've got a week to do all the hard stuff, and after that it'll be like recycling the last two years. Actually can't wait for all this to be over. I'm ready to decorate my house, prepare meals and breed rabbits.

I still think of you on cold winter mornings, darling they'll still remind me of when we were at school

So, back on track, with another limb.

Another limb with four limbs :) The four limbs are causing great harm to my body, but who doesn't want to constantly get new scars?

I am on track, fresh eyed and bushy tailed. Well, not so bushy but at least more sociable. I am determined to get through the final chapter of studying with mostly ease and thorough organisation. I know I'm going to be fine; I won't let myself not!

Not only that, I have been reading novels. Oh how I loved it. All run out though, White Oleander is such a good book. I initially found the poeticness of it all a bit daunting, but that's the beauty of it. And Ray and Claire. The film had the worst perception of it ever, was so bummed out.

So, with my mind's appetite well and truly filled, it brings attention to my body.

I am the exact measurements of Lily now. Not really, but there is a two mile trek everyday, sometimes it's even four miles. I'm eating better now too, my first Chilli Con Carne went down a treat, and I certainly appreciated the fibre of the red kidney beans it seems...

Just need to tone up, write, and stay on top of the finances. For the last year ever! Well...

And if all else fails and the ship won't set sail...

So recently, I have started to find women just a little bit more pretty than men. I'm not a batty, no, but I seem to like looking at pictures of models, female ones. They are so much prettier and thinner than me. And for once in my life, I'm actually bummed out about it.


And here's the culprit, Little Miss Lily Aldridge. What a perfectly pretty slut she is. With my most desirable of celebrity boyfriends. Her bust is 33 inches, as is mine. Her waist is 23 inches, which matched the width of my big toe and who cares what her bum bum is, it's gonna be a lot smarter than mine.

The stories are all true, this kind of stuff does make people want to be like them. I'm off to burn a calorie or two.

I'll squeeze into heaven

So much has changed. Got a taste of a life alone, and it wasn't too bad at all. But I went back to the old life anyway, and it's still fun.

Acceptance for growing up has finally been granted. I want a baby skater boy, not for a few years yet but it's still something I can get all excited about if there's nothing else.

Heading back for the final page of that chapter in my life. I've got high hopes for it, not necessarily wanting it to end, will just have to see how it goes.

Excited about life. Seen Caleb Followill three times in my life now, and still wanting it to be. I listen to R.E.M just so that I feel that little bit closer...

E-Bow The Letter

Ok, on we go...

I am so done with this, and I'm so done with that. I just want to get back so I can clean some more rooms, and to also have driving lessons.

But I'm gonna sort this career out first, and do it well. Life is good, and I'm alone.

Are you rea'y?

So I have nearly finished one thing, leaving me to finish just ONE thing more until I can fucking relax, well until good old Mr Brown helps me out. Thanks for that.

Just gotta do a few more drawings and a little writing and Design and Communication is officially done with, hit all the right spots and I'm feeling pretty confident. Not only will I pass my second year, but I will do so with flying colours.

You can plan a pretty picnic but you can't predict the weather.

Strains are holding out, I need that train home. I can't wait for it, eating pizza and halloumi after a nice sleep of roughly 14 hours for 3 weeks. Growing up certainly is hard, and I know I'm not the only one finding this.

Duh, duh, duh, duuuuuuuuuu

I am at uni. 9:09 on a Friday morning. I fell asleep at 2:20 last night. Not liking this one bit.

I have to wait for a certain someone willing to provide a signature before I return to the fading warmth of my bed.

COME ON.

Whenever I'm sat at this computer, I always seem to hear 'It's Not Over Yet' not the original one, not the Klaxons one, but the Goldfrapp version. It's a nice version, I'll give you that. But it's not even the song playing, I have recently worked out that it's just the way the printer goes.

'Goes'

Man, actually can't be bothered with this. When I get the signature (guaranteed something goes wrong for me) I'm going home, setting my alarm for 12 and then crashing out. To wake up to packing, tidying and travelling.

Come on Bernadine, I swear you're a queen.

That's pretty good

Graphic designer is my name and Birkenhead is my game. At least one thing is sorted, just need the rest to (easily) follow and I'll be ready for my relaxed Easter egg in no time.

I'm extremely fat these days, but education comes first so jogging can wait until after my 5 stories and rationale, reflective essay, article and Oxfam annual report. Oh how I can't wait for the 20th of March, and it's not even that far away! Well...that's a little scary but it's good to know it's all going to be over soon.

I want my summer weeks (not weekends) to be filled with typical librarian stuff, I'll just happily sort out books for a small wage. Come on, make me happy, I've got bov for picking up pubes again.

University, who'd have thought it?

Pat shakes his head, but I keep on writing.zazaz\ Haha

I never wanted anyone like this, it's all brand new...

20 years old and not a thing to show for it. Apart form half way through a degree, a 2 year relationshp under the belt, and a new addition of a contract phone (it is really exciting). Not doing too bad then, and how's this for a work experience opportunity...teaching english in the Czech Republic?! How exciting. I certainly am moving up in the world.

And my phone has this thing called "TrackID", so if I'm listening to the radio and hear a song that sounds pretty good I just need to use the trackid and it finds out what it is for me. No more lyrics searching on Google.

Must dash, so fucking much to do, can't wait for this year to be over. Madonna is my mother from another level.