30 - 40

The ultimate, "I'll sleep when I die" attitude. Alas, it is finally gone, debts won't bladdy pay themselves (as it's taken me two years to work out). I'll just pop upstairs and watch it alone, which is a very scary thought, whilst the future mother-in-law continues watching tennis. I've tried understanding the scoring system but it is simply ridiculous. Oh well, pain is beauty and all that...



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Keep your head up, keep your heart strong

Another new year and with it comes the resolutions. However, due to my impressive acts over the last year, giving up smoking is not one of them. Neither is cutting loose the people who I felt made me feel bad about myself. As much of a cliche it is, you do only live once, so why have people around that make you feel bad about things that you honestly don't think was that bad in the first place? The feelings mutal, I'm not on my high horse or anything.

To say I've struggled without three people, who, this time last year, I considered to be the most important, is an understatement. But good things come to those who wait. Grass is always greener. You snooze, you lose.

The year ahead should, in theory, be happier and stress free, healthier and (hopefully) financially improved. Beautiful men are where it's at, that's where it's always been. Beautiful Charles.

Who would have thought I would not be a utilitarian? It's hard.

But another thing that isn't hard (or has to be done) is lose weight. Thank you, my wonderful Mexican holiday, not only did it open my eyes to the world, experience different cultures and allowed me to rub the tummy of a dolphin, bit is also provided food which had me on the toilet a million times a day, emptying everything single morsel in there, and making me have a body like a slightly over sized model which seems to have stayed that way since... God bless, and happy new year!

Cant stop

Sharting in my own mouth


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Take those pictures down, and shake it out

Stuck in a rut is my current location. Things seem to be constantly regurgitated and I haven't recieved romantic attention for a long time now. I don't want it all to not pay off...I fear things have reached that turn around point, where the power you once held has gone to the hands of the other, making you pathetic. Time will tell, I don't dwell on it often, only when I see a nice picture or when I realise I haven't done a lot recently.

A week away from payday, it's always the day I feel best, I no longer need to worry about what I need to do with money. I pay everything I owe and then I'm finally able to sleep at night.

After tomorrow I shall be feeling fabulous. Not only do I feel optimistic about finding romantic attention (there is a pie I am considering) tomorrow night, My best friend is coming back from Greece for a week, and then my other best friend will be returning from his Northern clutch. And what could possibly be better to accomodate this? A week of the ever so recently busy work.

I fully intend to be kissed, sunkissed and stoned throughout this next week, I'm far from growing up so I may as well relish in it.

Watch out Bude, for the boys, my white gut, and my laughter. I've gotta feeling...that tonight's gonna be a good week. Oh right. Pie, be out, and the other pie, come back. Still can't face the music, it's been way too long now.



That's how it starts, we go back to your house...




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You can hold her hand, and show her how you cry

Lots and lots of things have been sorted out. With my wages, I calculated the outgoings and took that away from the total, then set some money aside for this months essentials, such as petrol, deoderant, birthday presents and vet bills, and then I divided the rest into four weeks.

It feels good being in control of things. So in control, I have arranged a holiday of my own, flying to Mexico by myself and meeting a friend there. I haven't flown since I was two so it may be a bit daunting, but with most things I find myself underwhelmed so I imagine it'll be just fine. I imagined I would borrow 700 of the finest English pounds from my Papa, boosting the loan I have with all already by an extortionate amount, but that all changed today.

Mum told me of a surprise yesterday morning, saying that after work that evening I would find out what it was, it didn't happen that night, I presumed it would just be my old foster sister coming to visit, as I asked mum if it was a person, she said yes, but then said it wouldn't be family.

So this morning, I return home, and I ask dad if we can book the flights to Mexico, and he tells me to de research on the buses to and from the airport. So I rush upstairs, and then he calls me back downstairs as there is someone to see me. He gestures me to the back door and my next door neighbour is perched on his steps. I automatically become anxious, as the last time this happened, Dave had given me £1000. My heart starts racing as I see he holds an envelope behind his back. He hands it over, saying that he was offered a job in America and he turned it down and he regretted it, and then he hands me over an envelope, with "Jess, Mexico bound" on the front. I hug him and then tell him he is the greatest person in the world, along with roughly a million thank yous, and then I retreat back to the comfort of my own home to open it. Another cheque for £1000. I am officially the luckiest girl in the world. I really hope I deserve it. I hope he doesn't regret his decision and I make him proud.

Just some things in life you just can't believe.

Splish splash I was taking a bath

This week, employment-wise, is going to kill me. I have so many more hours to do until I can relax again.

Payday is today, I have had to plan every last detail, even pennies, to ensure that this month I will be able to support the life I have made myself. After all spendings, I'm looking at having roughly £25 a week. Such a hard knock life.

Everything is just revolving around plans, what my money will be spent on, who's available, who wants the same kind of things in life.

Next month I should be feeling better, financially, just craving that spontanaity my life needs a dash of right now.

I need money to get there though, and severe planning. Catch 22? Or just a big massive poo, probably a mixture of the two. I truly hope my bov for life rating reduces a considerable amount this time tomorrow.

Forever, The Drama Queen.

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Location:Burn View,Bude,United Kingdom

It's more than a feeling when I hear that old song they used to play

After an extremely hard working week, I am ready to fully embrace this next week off. I actually feel like I deserve it. Sleeping is getting better, I don't need a film to send to sleep these days. Must get more comfortable pillows though.

The future week is looking nice and full, should keep my mind from the lack of money and cigarettes. Pig has just informed me that he will no longer support my disgusting habit after today, finally putting his foot down. So, a haircut on the Monday. I hate not being able to dye my hair, but there was a reminder why on Eggheads a couple of days ago. Hopefully a shorter fringe will feed my craving for change. Tuesday will (hopefully) be my last driving lesson with the lovely Rob, sometimes I just like to think I'll fail so I can see him again and talk about our crazy drunken escapades and love for Fleetwood Mac. Other times I just think, come on, pass your fucking test it's been ages. So that will hopefully be on Wednesday. Thursday I shall pack and Friday I shall depart to another county to wish happiness within my sister's marriage.

So eventful, this is what growing up is made of. I'm starting to think I should start getting there now, think I'll give my bad single self a good send off at the end of 2011, plenty of time right? Plenty of time to do stupid things that no right minded person of the age of 22 would ever do. I like licking fucking stones alright? And making up parodies about assholes. Still though, America is starting to be almost a certainty, just gotta rely on money and good planning. I've mastered one, the events of this week will determine of whether I have mastered the other.

Thanks guys

Guy #1:"Maybe we should think about being together for real?"

"What? I thought you wanted to take things slow?"

Guy #1:"Yeah, buts it's been months now!"

"Wow, ok, wasn't expecting that. Yeah alright. Let's do it"

Literally days later...

Guy #1"I don't think this will work..."

Guy #2: "I get crazy jealous about you, I think that when I get back and if things are still the same between us, we should give things a go. You up for that?"

"Wow, ok, wasn't expecting that. Yeah alright. Let's do it"

Just... never replies to texts. Why bother even instigating it?! Cheers boys. I've got a rocket and you and your mates are going on it. And never coming back.

Well, until next week or something.




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Let's get together before we get much older

I've got to the end of the party stage...I'm starting to regret everything all at once. It seems like uni was the biggest waste of 3 years of my life. I didn't even have that much fun, and at the moment I don't even see a career within graphics or journalism. Should have just done a degree in Sainsbury's. I really, like really, hope I manage to pass my driving test later this month, just so that I've accomplished at last something since I've left uni, other than becoming a slut.

I suppose I've mastered the art of not falling in love with every single guy that shows attention, I think it's a pretty good skill to have so glad I have obtained it. Just hope it doesn't make me numb, hopefully I'll be feeling something soon.

Never felt so independent before, it's so strange. I feel so lonely but I'm never alone. Maybe just alone in my farfetched thoughts and unrealistics goals. I'm hard on myself but it's better this way. So, this weekend, another regurgitated night out in Bude; Drink round Toby's, meet Regard at the Ben and then Da will show up later. Dominate the jukebox with the same songs we play every weekend, and the same songs I play on my phone all week. Go to Rogue, lose Da and maybe get caught dancing by myself and be accused of taking crack. Maybe stumble home with one of three boys. And I can't wait.

All I need to do it pass my test and find a female partner in crime who isn't tainted by the love of a boy, or the consequences of being with one, and I'll be the luckiest person alive.

They can't bring us down

Day 5 - A song that reminds you of someone



The wonderful start to one of my best summers yet (excluding childhood ones, obviously). For the beautiful Tabby; together we can make it. Even if it means we're together just sat in Morrison's carpark, driving round country lanes and emptying your car in the same place every six months. Laughing at certain families and people, and each other. Best sense of humour ever. It's like clothes; you choose the best in the shop that fits and looks just right. Tabby is my favourite methaphorical clothing. She would be my jumper.

Always silent. Always silent now

I wrote something and deleted it. I will continue with the "I'll sleep when I die" attitude, it's the best. Something I saw on Facebook, and thought I would like to participate in; 30 Day Song Challenge. I'm a few days behind, and, being completely honest, might not even end up completing it. But I'm here for the moment.

Day 1: Your favourite song

How can I possibly choose just one song. Actually been sat here a while now, trying to think of what it could possibly be. Basing it on the difficulty of choosing just one song, out of all of them in the world, I will choose my favourite from the last couple of months. The award goes to miss Katy Perry, for the wonderful Teenage Dream.



My ringtone now for the last 6 months, this tune has accompanied me through one of the funnest times of my lives. Meeting such a special person, this song is one that reminds me of them that I can bear to listen to. It's my trademark song at my local. I may well be dancing on a pool table and kissing your boyfriend, but I have a fringe like Katy Perry so I'll sing it like I'm her. And hopefully get a tattoo on my bicep...


Day 2: Your least favourite song

Again, just one? I'm finding it hard to choose between a Gabrielle classic and the bullshit Ace of Spades...fuck it. Sorry Lemmy, your voice is horrible.



Day 3 - A song that makes you happy

Decisions, decisions. I'm just thinking about what songs I can always rely on to perk me up. It's gonna have to be Tusk.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LR_goU4fJA8&feature=related

Not allowed to embed that one. Cheers. Not allowed to make other people happy.

Day 4 - A song that makes you sad

I don't know about making me sad. I listen to songs when I am sad, they're not usually sad, just chilled. Don't know whether to go back to Fleetwood Mac or not...I won't.



I'd do it all for you. I would

Always quiet now

Another new year, another few resolutions but this time with not a future in view.



My best friend is going to give birth to a little girl in two weeks. It's crazy how people are growing up these days. I swear I've been saying that for the last three years of my life. Now that I've almost accomplished my goals (excluding the weight loss one, which is pretty annoying) I have no idea what to make my new ones.

I could either run away and grow up? Write and write to Q until they finally find me funny and offer me a sweet little job following pretty bearded men around. I could use all the cups and chicken salt and pepper pots I have collected over the years to fill my very own little kitchen cupboards. It'll be here where I can entertain friends before nights out of extremely heavy doses of Fleetwood Mac on the old jukebox, and then entertain lovers when I'm a drunken mess.

An alternative to this is to stay put for a while, and after paying all my family debts, start saving for a flight to North America with plenty of savings to cover the costs of purchasing a sexy little van (which runs just fine) over the desirable country. Making lots of friends everywhere I go, I have that cute English accent you see, being remembered as that crazy girl with the little rabbit and the great fondness of Caleb Followill. I'll have different people travelling with me at different times, making the friends for life you always hear about. Making money in little jobs and leaving your mark all over the place, making graphic designer friends who have contacts, who I'll arrange to meet after the flight back to England. Maybe even sleep with Caleb during my two week stay in Tennessee! Wow, that would be nice. Get pregnant, tell everyone that the Jessica mentioned in 'Where Nobody Knows' was actually me.

But what will happen? Possibly stay in the Sainsbury's bakery for the rest of my life.

Life is what you make it, and right now for me that means going out at the weekends and pulling my shorts down so I am just walking around the pub in my crap little pants. I really wish I didn't feel the need to get naked once I've had a few. Aw, I want America to happen. I might just make it you know

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Location:Princes St,Bude,United Kingdom

What if one of us had the guts tonight?

A lot has happened and so much has changed. Luckily this includes the colours of my bedroom walls. Three and a half years has been forgotten in...how many months has it been? Mental. Stacking shelves made me a new person and got me further to the idolised hat. The driving dream has finally been accomplished, quite a happy little driver. Just need to perfect the steering whilst dancing now. I will be out of here by hopefully early next year. I love how all I ever say is how I want to go home, but I just want to grow up and do something. Can't wait to have my own little flat with Robbie and make new friends. Where Tabby will not be writing on the walls... For once I'm the one that's been left behind, for a dream life in Crete, a university course and a baby. Everyone else is growing up and I feel more behind than ever. I've even forgotten how to write, I wonder why the NME don't want me. Probably because I'm bullshit and can't even pass my theory test after two attempts.

You became the light on the dark side of me

Well I certainly woke up to something, I wish I never wished for it. My best friend's mum passed away early in the morning. Rest in peace Tracy, I'll look after Corrine.


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With your hands in the air ou look like the girl at the fair with the bubbly eyes

Sleeping is getting hard. Just reinforced my quality music collection on my iPhone so thought I'd be all ridiculous and listen to a few songs and wrote what they mean to me. I'm so crazy...

Underworld - Born Slippy. A million memories of this, being at Mon's playing around the world on the dartboard. Being completely terrified when I watched Trainspotting for the first time, which then grew into a great love interest within heroin and it's most famous users. Finally, almost falling in love next to the canal.

Lynyrd Skynard - Freebird. Unfortunately, it reminds me of the remake of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, never has the thought of nails being imbedded in a wall been so sickening. It also reminds me of a million hours wasted on guitar hero, actually had to listen to the same 4/5 minute beginning a million times before I actually managed to complete it on hard mode, I do so screaming the whole way through the guitar solos.

Plastic Bertrand - Ca Plane Pour Moi. Disregarding the advert, this reminds me of the wonderful Prick from graphics at college. Trying on my t shirt, generally playing on the fact that everyone thought he was a grumpy man, when he was actually love. Also that time when I was in an open access room at uni and my phone stupidly decided to start playing, was so embarassing. No wonder I left Chester with no friends.

Kate Nash - Foundations. Wow, when I first heard this on the radio Pat was driving me home from his. I laughed at the lyric "I'd rather be with your mates because they're much fitter" and I got in a lot of trouble. It was also the song which was featured heavily in the heartbreaking soundtrack of leaving Bude behind for Chester.

Born Ruffians - Hummingbird. Again, apart from the Orange advert, just reminds me of when it was my message tone. My friends would get annoyed with the introduction because it would keep going off as Pat would give me shit all night for being at my friends house. This leads onto memories of playing Cluedo until around 5 in the morning, and losing every single time.

Kylie Minogue - In My Arms. This reminds me of the summer of 2008. Tabby, obviously, has the latest Now cd, so it would be
Played constantly as we drove round to Canworthy Water and Northcott, getting near enough naked on hay bails and getting caught, dancing to Michael Jackson's Thriller on clifftops and visiting haunted houses which sheep now occupy.

Bette Midler - Wind Beneath My Wings. This is quite apt, as I decided to watch Beaches instead of the World Cup final today. This reminds me of going to North Tamerton every Friday night with the South's. On the way home, I'd be staring up at the stars in the sky praying with all my heart that Aaron wouldn't be sick on me. This memory goes hand in hand with From A Distance aswell.

Justice vs Simian - We Are Your Friends. Not only was this played as Nikki Graham's music for her best bits after being evicted from the Big Brother house... it was a little more personal too. Sian and I were invited to a Spice Girls party, naturally I was Baby and she was Scary. This was supposed to be the song being played in the car where the boys we fancied were... Alas, they never arrived with the lift. We had to walk around 7 miles home, Sian complete with 6 inch leopard print heels. At the end of it all, I threw my shoe at her brothers bedroom window, and we were able to rest.

System Of A Down - Chop Suey. Drinking Tia Maria at the age of 15, headbanging in front of the computer and jumping around the computer with Tabby. And generally doing the same dance wherever we were when we heard it.

I was hoping to make more of an impact with my return here, so much has changed. I have a degree which my father is not proud of in the slightest, I have a job which I know I will love the whole time I'm there, I have a provisional driving license in my wallet and I have no one holding my hand anymore. Laura. Hopefully I'll wake up to something nice, something to help me sleep better at night. Or maybe I just shouldn't listen to music when going to sleep.










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Would you really rush out for me now?

So, this is the last time I'm going to be watching Glee in Chester, so I thought I'd write a post about it. Not about Glee, about "lasts". I am literally days away from escaping hell, the thoughts of sadness and missing people are all out of the window.

Tomorrow will be my last seminar, my last time up Kingsway.
Thursday will be my last exam, my last thing to do for uni.
Friday morning will be the last in this flat.

I always focus of "lasts", it makes everything a last. I can't wait for my firsts though, seriously.

My first summer without thinking of having to leave everything all behind at the end of it all.
My first proper job.
My first driving lesson.

Things will be good, as soon as my feet touch cornish soil. Seriously, why do my friends want to leave Bude when I can't think of anything more worse? They just don't know how good they've got it. Or they just don't live with lazy, selfish, controlling alcoholics. Oh man, Friday morning, I wait for you with great haste.

I need someone beside me in everything I do

Days are getting better and better, if not sentimental. Handed in the penultimate project, a magazine that I am very much proud of (my friends tell me I should be too), so supportive they are.

Can't believe just one more project, an essay and two exams are the only things between me and finishing uni. I know that I've had bov for it all this time, but now it's coming to the end I fear I will miss Kingsway. And the tramps in the subway that I always give money to.

High hopes are in front, with driving and dancing at the same time being my main goal. Oh I wish I was a dancer. Better do a degree in journalism and graphic design then.

A little on the edge of seventeen

Just like the white winged dove sings a song like she's singing, I am working hard like a trojan for the last few weeks left at university...

Or at least I would be if the festering technician was actually qualified. I should have never exposed Mike's kindness. That Alan has damaged me in more ways than one.

I'm almost ready to throw away all academic lifestyle, move to California and fal in love with Lindsay Buckhingham. Oh wait, that wasn't me...that was my idol.

The sun is out and it is waiting for me to pop out so it can kiss my massive cheeks and the roots of my red hair. It's quite nice growing up, where all your friends are uccessful within different areas of everything. I feel like I belong in Sex And The City. This weekend, however, I'm ditching Sam and her PR qualities, as well as Miranda and her law, Charlotte and her art knowledge. I'm off to see my very own technician and his stylist boyfriend.

I wonder if he'll delete my work and waste 2 hours of my time aswell? Look at me, oh look at me is this the way I'll always be?

I certainly hope so. Because I enjoy salmon and I will be hot.

Drowning in the sea of love where everybody would love to drown

Lots of things are sorted, some are not but are heading in the right direction.

For example, I'm supposed to be writing up my dissertation at the moment, I'm just editing, got the front page, abstract and introduction done. Lots needs to be done on the rest...I have to collect bookbooks tomorrow, and to make notes form the books I already have out.

Next Thursday I can experience sun and warmth! Hate the North West. Roll on the next two months baby, I'm ready to become a designer of some sort. I want money, I want to pay off everything and I want to just chill the fuck out.

Better get on then.

Come on skinny love, what happened here?

I'm a complete mess, of hunger, sleep deprivation and just general sickness. At least I was appreciated earlier, it's nice when people look at your face to make themselves feel better. I have finally found something I am good at, it's a shame I cannot just have a career in converting shorthand into longhand though...

All work and no play has left me questionning my friends. I think too much anyway, but I await this weekend with great haste. I want to dance and I want to sleep on a floor with just a duvet and crap cushion. Oh Manchester, what have you to offer me?

Can't wait for these 2 months to be over, no doubt I'll miss it when I'm gone.

But then again...maybe not.