You can hold her hand, and show her how you cry

Lots and lots of things have been sorted out. With my wages, I calculated the outgoings and took that away from the total, then set some money aside for this months essentials, such as petrol, deoderant, birthday presents and vet bills, and then I divided the rest into four weeks.

It feels good being in control of things. So in control, I have arranged a holiday of my own, flying to Mexico by myself and meeting a friend there. I haven't flown since I was two so it may be a bit daunting, but with most things I find myself underwhelmed so I imagine it'll be just fine. I imagined I would borrow 700 of the finest English pounds from my Papa, boosting the loan I have with all already by an extortionate amount, but that all changed today.

Mum told me of a surprise yesterday morning, saying that after work that evening I would find out what it was, it didn't happen that night, I presumed it would just be my old foster sister coming to visit, as I asked mum if it was a person, she said yes, but then said it wouldn't be family.

So this morning, I return home, and I ask dad if we can book the flights to Mexico, and he tells me to de research on the buses to and from the airport. So I rush upstairs, and then he calls me back downstairs as there is someone to see me. He gestures me to the back door and my next door neighbour is perched on his steps. I automatically become anxious, as the last time this happened, Dave had given me £1000. My heart starts racing as I see he holds an envelope behind his back. He hands it over, saying that he was offered a job in America and he turned it down and he regretted it, and then he hands me over an envelope, with "Jess, Mexico bound" on the front. I hug him and then tell him he is the greatest person in the world, along with roughly a million thank yous, and then I retreat back to the comfort of my own home to open it. Another cheque for £1000. I am officially the luckiest girl in the world. I really hope I deserve it. I hope he doesn't regret his decision and I make him proud.

Just some things in life you just can't believe.

Splish splash I was taking a bath

This week, employment-wise, is going to kill me. I have so many more hours to do until I can relax again.

Payday is today, I have had to plan every last detail, even pennies, to ensure that this month I will be able to support the life I have made myself. After all spendings, I'm looking at having roughly £25 a week. Such a hard knock life.

Everything is just revolving around plans, what my money will be spent on, who's available, who wants the same kind of things in life.

Next month I should be feeling better, financially, just craving that spontanaity my life needs a dash of right now.

I need money to get there though, and severe planning. Catch 22? Or just a big massive poo, probably a mixture of the two. I truly hope my bov for life rating reduces a considerable amount this time tomorrow.

Forever, The Drama Queen.

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Location:Burn View,Bude,United Kingdom

It's more than a feeling when I hear that old song they used to play

After an extremely hard working week, I am ready to fully embrace this next week off. I actually feel like I deserve it. Sleeping is getting better, I don't need a film to send to sleep these days. Must get more comfortable pillows though.

The future week is looking nice and full, should keep my mind from the lack of money and cigarettes. Pig has just informed me that he will no longer support my disgusting habit after today, finally putting his foot down. So, a haircut on the Monday. I hate not being able to dye my hair, but there was a reminder why on Eggheads a couple of days ago. Hopefully a shorter fringe will feed my craving for change. Tuesday will (hopefully) be my last driving lesson with the lovely Rob, sometimes I just like to think I'll fail so I can see him again and talk about our crazy drunken escapades and love for Fleetwood Mac. Other times I just think, come on, pass your fucking test it's been ages. So that will hopefully be on Wednesday. Thursday I shall pack and Friday I shall depart to another county to wish happiness within my sister's marriage.

So eventful, this is what growing up is made of. I'm starting to think I should start getting there now, think I'll give my bad single self a good send off at the end of 2011, plenty of time right? Plenty of time to do stupid things that no right minded person of the age of 22 would ever do. I like licking fucking stones alright? And making up parodies about assholes. Still though, America is starting to be almost a certainty, just gotta rely on money and good planning. I've mastered one, the events of this week will determine of whether I have mastered the other.

Thanks guys

Guy #1:"Maybe we should think about being together for real?"

"What? I thought you wanted to take things slow?"

Guy #1:"Yeah, buts it's been months now!"

"Wow, ok, wasn't expecting that. Yeah alright. Let's do it"

Literally days later...

Guy #1"I don't think this will work..."

Guy #2: "I get crazy jealous about you, I think that when I get back and if things are still the same between us, we should give things a go. You up for that?"

"Wow, ok, wasn't expecting that. Yeah alright. Let's do it"

Just... never replies to texts. Why bother even instigating it?! Cheers boys. I've got a rocket and you and your mates are going on it. And never coming back.

Well, until next week or something.




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Let's get together before we get much older

I've got to the end of the party stage...I'm starting to regret everything all at once. It seems like uni was the biggest waste of 3 years of my life. I didn't even have that much fun, and at the moment I don't even see a career within graphics or journalism. Should have just done a degree in Sainsbury's. I really, like really, hope I manage to pass my driving test later this month, just so that I've accomplished at last something since I've left uni, other than becoming a slut.

I suppose I've mastered the art of not falling in love with every single guy that shows attention, I think it's a pretty good skill to have so glad I have obtained it. Just hope it doesn't make me numb, hopefully I'll be feeling something soon.

Never felt so independent before, it's so strange. I feel so lonely but I'm never alone. Maybe just alone in my farfetched thoughts and unrealistics goals. I'm hard on myself but it's better this way. So, this weekend, another regurgitated night out in Bude; Drink round Toby's, meet Regard at the Ben and then Da will show up later. Dominate the jukebox with the same songs we play every weekend, and the same songs I play on my phone all week. Go to Rogue, lose Da and maybe get caught dancing by myself and be accused of taking crack. Maybe stumble home with one of three boys. And I can't wait.

All I need to do it pass my test and find a female partner in crime who isn't tainted by the love of a boy, or the consequences of being with one, and I'll be the luckiest person alive.