I know I can count on you

I have the longest to do list in the world, and it's all to do with work, which I'm not over pleased about. I have ACTUAL bov for it, but I'm going to have to do it. I've had this feeling before, and I've always managed to sort things in the end, so I don't know why I'm worrying about it. I will hopefully cause a reasonable sized dent in the workload my next week. Just need to start acting like a grown up! This is what I have (unfourtunately) decided to do with my life; I've made the festering bed of unwantedness, and now I'm having to die in it.

I just can't help thinking I've made such a big mistake, well, so many big mistakes. They'll all resolve themselves soon, well, soon is 3 years if I decide to carry on. The other soon is pretty much round the corner.

I would just like to dance in my room, chuck on a cd and boogie, with no fear of the people downstairs complaining about my odd ways of losing weight. Even if I was home I wouldn't be able to do it anyway, as my cd player appears to be broken, which is annoying.

Songs just don't have their original meanings anymore, and everyone knows what the meaning of songs is to me. Naw.

The day that you fall, I'll be right behind you

So it has inevitably arrived, the two year mark. And I think that it has hit me harder than ever before. It feels as though every single negative emotion you can possibly think of has filled my body and multiplied by a million. I can't stop crying, and I can't stop thinking. And I can't stop listening to McFly, apparantly.

Sometimes when I close my eyes, I just see myself looking at you from the landing, wincing and laughing at your gunged up eye and how you chased me around the house with it to make me cry. I think of how you could into my room when you wanted to dance or talk. I remember not doing what you asked and how you did everything I ever asked for.

I hate remembering, I don't want to remember anything. I just want to experience things with you now, and it's actually impossible. There's nothing I can do and there's nothing I can do to overcome this! Life is so unfair, and it seems as though I have only just come to realise this. I really fucking miss you Karen.

I always do.

I've got mixed up memories and I've got favourite places

I'm singing uh - oh on a Friday night and I hope everything is gonna be alright.

So what has the world come to? A place in time when everyone can be found using the internet. A place where you can't escape from the past which means that the future is being prevented with taints from a past time.

I don't want to be the girl focussing on the past of relationships, I want to working on my future ones. I'm fed up of my heart slowly tearing, and the most petrifying thing is that I know for a fact my heart is going to break, at least another 6 times. There's nothing I can do about it, it would be fighting the inevitable.

It's both amazing and scary at what can happen in a year. I got this idea from watching a documentry on soaps, Sonia goes from a lesbian to a fucked up weirdo in a few weeks. Good old Eastenders, I know it shouldn't be what lives should be based on, but it's a soap for a reason; the realistic story lines which occur.

This time last year I was scard about facing the one year mark, of tying down a relationship which was heading nowhere, and completely trusting my friends. I'm not facing the two year mark, I'm in a relationship I don't want to ever end and I use my friends for fun, they're not there to trust anymore. I'm writing this because I'm trying to find answers of easy ways out without being hurt, and there are none. Life really is so sad, no matter how much fun you can have, or whatever you can manage to get over, there's always going to be something to knock you back down to the ground again.