So, basically I didn't move all my treasures up north because I didn't think the move would last. But it has, and now I'm making plans, so with my cushty 17 consecutive days off, I am finally moving all of myself up.
I had arranged the car hiring agency to pick me up at 9am so I could get back and be with my huns as soon as possible, the driver was a little late, but not enough to put me in a mood. We got into the car and followed the sat nav's instructions which were coming up from his knee...my routine completely, but I don't provide a car agency service. Stop it Jess.
So we get to the offices around 9:20am, and I have to fill in the contract forms. At this time my man's colleague makes eye contact and struts over, attractive. Was very welcoming to the attention. He asked about the use of the van, so I explained about the situation; moving up etc. Asked why I moved here; could have gone with the career route, could have even whipped out the old "just fancied it", both of which are true. I decide to provide the most attention seeking one though and bring up the fucking relationship which didn't work out.
He totally wanted it. I am basing this on eye contact from within an office when I come out from using the public toilet. Do you think I just make this shit up in my head? Gets me through the day though. Look forward to returning the van.
Anyway, so my original guy takes me out to the van, tries selling me the additional bullshit which is just extra payments. Really proud at how I can just say no now, just flat out no. He asks why, do you know what I say back? Because I deal with things as they come instead of preparing for things that might not happen. First she wants a lift and now she's a philosopher. With that he sends me on my merry way. I spend about five minutes trying to work out how to adjust the mirrors, you can't. And then another two minutes trying to put the van in reverse. I somehow blagged it onto the motorway, and then my little journey began.
You have no idea how nice it is to have electric windows after manually winding them down for four years. Or how perfect it is to turn the music up and it not be distorted. I was absolutely cruising down the fast lane, average speed of around 80 after I had got through the mess which is Birmingham. Overtaking lane uphill? No longer an issue mate, fuck you and your Audi's.
Had just a few crap cereal biscuits for breakfast, so was smoking to keep me awake. The fags made my mouth taste so gross I had to drink a lot. The traffic jam around Birmingham had taken up an hour of my time so I stopped prematurely to my plans to accommodate my bladder. Panic set in as I had to slow down and park up, managed a nice little bay park though. Saw an ambulance being picked up by a recovery team, clambered out of the van and caught the guy staring up my sweaty dress. No shame. Walked to toilet, saw a text from a friend which included an amusing video from the drunken Sunday morning the day before. Had a crap conversation with an elderly woman about the sensors on the taps and then resumed the journey. No more stopping until Barnstaple now, I said to myself.
Full speed ahead out of the car park, the radio is playing Lionel Ritchie. Fed up of the taste of water, so moved onto my low sugar Red Bull. I hit Bristol and think I really do not have far to go now, I really should stop again before I wet myself. So I stopped at Michaelwood I believe, had to walk all the way to the service station due to being scared of stopping anywhere near any existing parked cars. Urinated, and moved on.
No more stops until home now, less than three hours to go. Wow, I really will make it around 4pm. I get off at junction 27, that was the name of a college band, good one, and head down the link road to very familiar territory. I am 30 miles away from Barnstaple, which means around 60 miles away from Bude, but the thought has already penetrated my mind, and it's all I can think about. I will definitely end up wetting myself.
Just looking to the left and my eyes lighting up at every blue P I came across, then ultimate disdain when the layby soon arrived and there was nothing but concrete against a high bank of grass. I really did not want to publicly wee, I am too old for this shit.
My relief would highten at the amount of blue P's there were, one after the other. All displaying the same lack of facilities. I decided the kind of shit I am not too old for, is getting into the back of the van and pissing in a bottle. I didn't really preempt it, just kinda parked up and thought ok I'll do that.
So there's a parked BMW in front of the van, I'm a little concerned because I don't want them thinking I'm mental. So I open up the back doors and casually jump in, shutting them behind me. I take the bottle top off, and manage to place it so perfectly, I didn't spill a drop. Thank God. And then, to make it seem less strange, I rummage through the massive suitcase I brought with me to hold my clothes for a week (I actually never, ever, ever wear that top - why did I think this time around I would?!) and try to find my phone charger so that the people in the BMW think it's some sort of wire I need to play music, and that it why I was in the back of the van...
After around ten seconds of searching, I can't find it. Then I think, fuck it, I don't know them. I hired this van, I can use it to shield my public pisses if I want to. Then really hoped there wasn't any cameras within the van. Returning it to the handsome man could be a little different to what I had planned. Planned? Sometimes I make up scenarios in my head; he was going to offer me a job there. So mental.
Anyway, I am near home now, that will be the last stop because I had drank all the Red Bull and now I had soiled my only other drinking device. So I go on to open the doors. Nope. No deal. Looking around for any kind of handle, pulling at it, no movement. I fiddle with the keys, locking and unlocking the back doors, still nothing. Search for my phone, it's in the front of the van. Of course it is. I play around with the metal mesh, separating the front from the back, no way I can move it whatsoever. I think about screaming for the BMW couple, ultimate panic. At this point, really hoping there isn't a camera in the back. I scramble around at the doors for a further few minutes, wanting to cry and laugh at the same time. And then I see there's a sliding door to the side, and it opened immediately. So much relief.
Jumped back in the front of the van, slowly creeped past BMW; a man all snuggled and sleeping, oh thank God. And then I continue home. And I don't stop again until I hit the nice little right turn at the church and I'm at Flexbury Park Road.
Dad helped me get my things in from the car, passed him the bottle with the biggest smile on my face. He bloody loved it.
No comments:
Post a Comment