Hawaiian air

If I could turn back time a year ago today, I would have never jumped into the car. (This is just a low from being alone and inside all day on a Saturday of the bank holiday weekend in August)

Just wanna be with my friends, feeling mega mega lonely.

Now that I'm older, my heart colder

I have got to that time in my life, like most twenty somethings, where pretty much all my friends, family, and acquaintances are really achieving that family they've always wanted. And this post is simply to enforce, that it is ok to maybe be 'behind' where we thought we may have been ten years ago. Not that most of us need this; we are more than content with the lives we have.

I would like to stress that this feeling has not been put on me by the friends who have their families, this is purely based on self assessment. I do not doubt decisions my friends have made, and I support them 100%. I am not envious, nor am I self congratulatory; I am just living my life like they are living theirs.

I went back to my home town for a break and the obligatory question of whether I have found a boyfriend (sometimes 'yet' - cheers) popped up in almost every conversation I had; I don't. And it's not really an issue for me at the moment. I might have a hen do that you guys can come along to, I might not. If I don't, I am sure we can still arrange some crazy weekends away. My life is not on pause remotely.

Sometimes I do think I'm slower at progressing than the rest of everyone; I am 26, I am still working in a job I've been doing since I graduated, but I am doing what I can to make it better. I moved to a city where there are jobs! And the jobs are within fields I am interested in, and I've made some great friends.
Sometimes my Facebook uploads of people's feet falling out of their shoes (LOL) may seem inadequate to the beautiful photos of the two little girls on their first family holiday in Tenerife, but it's all relative. I adore how those girls have grown into minis of my friends, but I went out at the weekend and my friend wasn't allowed back into a bar because of the state of her feet, it's still funny no matter how you look at it.

I have always suffered at the hands of the grass is always greener syndrome, but I'm now happy to announce that I am more than content at where I am right now, maybe more than I have ever been. If I am able to find a guy who doesn't turn me into a complete psycho the second I fall in love with them, then ideal. Baby? Bonus absolutely. But I will cross that bridge when I get to it, if I get to it. It's not a bridge I'm too focussed on. I just want a nice car, to laze around in my dressing gown until almost 3pm and sleep when I want, for however long. For the moment anyway.

Don't get me wrong, there are times I'm cruising in my less nice car (still great though) with the tunes up loud, thinking how good it would be to have a little person by my side having fun with me, but I don't think my brain could ever prepare for something like that. It would have to be a complete accident, where hopefully, if I continue living the life I am, I'll have a nice enough life to bring him into.

Reviewing this post, it does seem like an attack of the singles vs the families, which is completely contradictory to my intentions. There are just some people also in my position, that only focus on what they aren't doing as opposed to what they are. A girl was well on track to start her happy family, her partner cheats and her drive to leave him quivers due to the lack of wanting to start all over again. To be back to where she was two years ago. Luckily she's pulled herself together, I wish her all the strength in the world to see this as a blessing to meet more new people, learn new things and to use this time to better herself. It is not a step backward, it is a step into the unknown where she can do whatever she wants. And that is a good thing.

Life is all about timing; you can meet someone, marry someone, buy a house, start a family, expand that family. Sometimes the fun of going out and then coming back to a home you built with a friend, singing songs by Adele until 3 in the morning gets in the way of meeting someone. Completely selfish, but surely if you didn't have children when you did, what would you be doing right now? That's what I'm doing. All I want to do is sing with my friends...I'm kidding. But I have been dealt with a hand including a full time job, living in a great city, completely single, honest and loyal friends and there's a whole load of fun thrown in there.

The key thing in life is happiness, some may find it within a family, a partner, a career, travelling. Just need to keep that in mind instead of feeling unnecessary pressures. Love what you have; we are all right where we are supposed to be.

All my life I was blind, I was blind, now I see

So, all of my shit is finally all in one place. Spent the last couple of days trying to find permanent homes for it all. So, let me give a rundown on just how ridiculous I am...

A small cabinet next to my bed full of notebooks and diaries. A bag full of hats, a bag full of tights, two small suitcases of bags.

A chest of drawers with pyjamas and bikinis in top drawer, followed by one with tops, then shorts and skirts and then finally trousers and leggings.

A wardrobe with maxi dresses, to midi dresses, to dresses going from red to purple, with all gradient shades at the end. Then there's jumpsuits, when I have enough hangers I'll put in my long vest tops, tops with sleeves and shirts. The long cardigans and light jackets filter in at the end.

Jumpers and cardigans are folded up beneath the dresses, then high heeled shoes next to them.

A suitcase full of sentimental shit I just can't put anywhere; full of boxes for gifts which are on display, a glass from my 18th birthday, a dvd player box full of loose bits of tat all revolved around my ex boyfriend Pat, newspapers I don't want to get rid of, and magazines I am yet to browse. Folders full of letters from friends at school and my sister's artwork.

Do you think that I have a whole box full of every single card I've received since the age of 11? Of course I have. Christmas, birthday, leaving, Valentine's, you name it, I'm still holding onto it.

Really nice to look through sometimes...fucking hell.

Prefered the house without all the shit in it. Oh, and I've had to spread my vast amount of clothing to downstairs. There's four nice hooks  by the front door almost coming out of the plaster with all my scarves, coats and jackets on it. With a nice double tiered shoe rack underneath for all my boots and flats. No room at all for my housemate, bet he loves it. I'm sure he'll complain when he opens the front door to the mustiness of the coats I never wear.

All these outfits, and I work full time where I have to wear a uniform. 

If I could turn back time

If I could turn back time, I wouldn't have screamed down the phone at you because you said you'd be an hour when I wanted it to only be five minutes.

The case was always that you'd over compensate with time when I knew that in pretty much all circumstances, you'd be leaving in a second.

You could have met my wonderful friends who I had an absolutely lovely evening with today. And maybe you would have been with me there tonight too.

It's definitely not the most important thing I'd change, but tonight, it's laying pretty heavy on my heart.

What happened?

I rented a van

So, basically I didn't move all my treasures up north because I didn't think the move would last. But it has, and now I'm making plans, so with my cushty 17 consecutive days off, I am finally moving all of myself up.

I had arranged the car hiring agency to pick me up at 9am so I could get back and be with my huns as soon as possible, the driver was a little late, but not enough to put me in a mood. We got into the car and followed the sat nav's instructions which were coming up from his knee...my routine completely, but I don't provide a car agency service. Stop it Jess.

So we get to the offices around 9:20am, and I have to fill in the contract forms. At this time my man's colleague makes eye contact and struts over, attractive. Was very welcoming to the attention. He asked about the use of the van, so I explained about the situation; moving up etc. Asked why I moved here; could have gone with the career route, could have even whipped out the old "just fancied it", both of which are true. I decide to provide the most attention seeking one though and bring up the fucking relationship which didn't work out.

He totally wanted it. I am basing this on eye contact from within an office when I come out from using the public toilet. Do you think I just make this shit up in my head? Gets me through the day though. Look forward to returning the van.

Anyway, so my original guy takes me out to the van, tries selling me the additional bullshit which is just extra payments. Really proud at how I can just say no now, just flat out no. He asks why, do you know what I say back? Because I deal with things as they come instead of preparing for things that might not happen. First she wants a lift and now she's a philosopher. With that he sends me on my merry way. I spend about five minutes trying to work out how to adjust the mirrors, you can't. And then another two minutes trying to put the van in reverse. I somehow blagged it onto the motorway, and then my little journey began.

You have no idea how nice it is to have electric windows after manually winding them down for four years. Or how perfect it is to turn the music up and it not be distorted. I was absolutely cruising down the fast lane, average speed of around 80 after I had got through the mess which is Birmingham. Overtaking lane uphill? No longer an issue mate, fuck you and your Audi's.

Had just a few crap cereal biscuits for breakfast, so was smoking to keep me awake. The fags made my mouth taste so gross I had to drink a lot. The traffic jam around Birmingham had taken up an hour of my time so I stopped prematurely to my plans to accommodate my bladder. Panic set in as I had to slow down and park up, managed a nice little bay park though. Saw an ambulance being picked up by a recovery team, clambered out of the van and caught the guy staring up my sweaty dress. No shame. Walked to toilet, saw a text from a friend which included an amusing video from the drunken Sunday morning the day before. Had a crap conversation with an elderly woman about the sensors on the taps and then resumed the journey. No more stopping until Barnstaple now, I said to myself.

Full speed ahead out of the car park, the radio is playing Lionel Ritchie. Fed up of the taste of water, so moved onto my low sugar Red Bull. I hit Bristol and think I really do not have far to go now, I really should stop again before I wet myself. So I stopped at Michaelwood I believe, had to walk all the way to the service station due to being scared of stopping anywhere near any existing parked cars. Urinated, and moved on.

No more stops until home now, less than three hours to go. Wow, I really will make it around 4pm. I get off at junction 27, that was the name of a college band, good one, and head down the link road to very familiar territory. I am 30 miles away from Barnstaple, which means around 60 miles away from Bude, but the thought has already penetrated my mind, and it's all I can think about. I will definitely end up wetting myself.

Just looking to the left and my eyes lighting up at every blue P I came across, then ultimate disdain when the layby soon arrived and there was nothing but concrete against a high bank of grass. I really did not want to publicly wee, I am too old for this shit.

My relief would highten at the amount of blue P's there were, one after the other. All displaying the same lack of facilities. I decided the kind of shit I am not too old for, is getting into the back of the van and pissing in a bottle. I didn't really preempt it, just kinda parked up and thought ok I'll do that.

So there's a parked BMW in front of the van, I'm a little concerned because I don't want them thinking I'm mental. So I open up the back doors and casually jump in, shutting them behind me. I take the bottle top off, and manage to place it so perfectly, I didn't spill a drop. Thank God. And then, to make it seem less strange, I rummage through the massive suitcase I brought with me to hold my clothes for a week (I actually never, ever, ever wear that top - why did I think this time around I would?!) and try to find my phone charger so that the people in the BMW think it's some sort of wire I need to play music, and that it why I was in the back of the van...

After around ten seconds of searching, I can't find it. Then I think, fuck it, I don't know them. I hired this van, I can use it to shield my public pisses if I want to. Then really hoped there wasn't any cameras within the van. Returning it to the handsome man could be a little different to what I had planned. Planned? Sometimes I make up scenarios in my head; he was going to offer me a job there. So mental.

Anyway, I am near home now, that will be the last stop because I had drank all the Red Bull and now I had soiled my only other drinking device. So I go on to open the doors. Nope. No deal. Looking around for any kind of handle, pulling at it, no movement. I fiddle with the keys, locking and unlocking the back doors, still nothing. Search for my phone, it's in the front of the van. Of course it is. I play around with the metal mesh, separating the front from the back, no way I can move it whatsoever. I think about screaming for the BMW couple, ultimate panic. At this point, really hoping there isn't a camera in the back. I scramble around at the doors for a further few minutes, wanting to cry and laugh at the same time. And then I see there's a sliding door to the side, and it opened immediately. So much relief.

Jumped back in the front of the van, slowly creeped past BMW; a man all snuggled and sleeping, oh thank God. And then I continue home. And I don't stop again until I hit the nice little right turn at the church and I'm at Flexbury Park Road.

Dad helped me get my things in from the car, passed him the bottle with the biggest smile on my face. He bloody loved it.

Under a sky no one sees

Simply just five songs, played at random, and what they mean to me. A Jess Sturt classic.



Still Life by The Horrors



First heard it in the summer of 2012 I believe. I was in a relationship with a guy with the coolest music taste;



On one of our walks home after a night out, we lived around two miles away from the town centre, we were discussing the rubbish choice of music that had been playing in the only local 'club'; the reasoning for our premature departure. Chaz was angry that Mr Brightside was played; he had been a huge fan of The Killers and he hated how the majority of their other brilliant songs were completely disregarded to make way for this hugely commercially successful one. He just probably really enjoyed Andy You're A Star (hey, it's one of my favourites). I continued our debate by announcing how I felt the exact same about Sex on Fire by the Kings of Leon.



So, this was constantly played on Radio 1 during my twenty minute drive from Bude to Bradworthy, really made the journey. Chaz did like to remind me however, that The Horrors had been around for a long old time, and I had turned into one of the people I hated; only aware of the hits. So I told him I would use the appreciation in a way that I did with most musical interests, and back track to hear everything they had ever done.



Two years later, I am in New York, with no other entries from The Horrors (sorrysorrysorry) on my iTunes. It is my last day and I have finally understood how to walk around the city. Walking one block to realise that I had gone the wrong way was yesterday's news. So here I was, headphones in, and navigating my little self from the MET to 34th Street completely unaided. I got to Madison Square Gardens and sat down with my journal and wrote about my perfect week break with Still Life playing. I laughed to myself at the thought of being the most pretentious little asshole. I had had a good time though.



The Girls by Calvin Harris



Just reminds of when I first turned 18 and went out drinking and dancing officially for the first time. I had the dance routine down to a tee. I knew exactly when to point to myself (white girls, Italian girls, short girls, blonde girls, carrying a little bit of weight girls).



Completely threw me when I dyed my hair red though.



Tea for the Tillerman by Cat Stevens



Downloaded after I discovered how much I love Ricky Gervais and Extras. Turned out to be a song I used to test how much I would get on with the next potential boyfriend; he knew exactly where it was from, I knew we were going to have a good time.



Sao Paulo by The Guillemots



I had bought Through The Windowpane during my second year at college after hearing a live version of Trains to Brazil on an early Channel 4 music programme and it had blew my little mind. The album was very much out of my comfort zone, what with all the cellos and pianos and other crazy instruments. This eleven minuter is an absolute masterpiece, need to listen to it within it's entirety to fully appreciate it though, but I persevered. Sometimes I could cry for miles.



My most favourite ever, ever ending to a song ever. Keep aware of the time up to around the 6 minute mark where perfection kicks in.



Have you ever been thrown across the water

Till there's no skin left on your bones


Thrown across water 

Thrown across water 

Thrown across water

Like a stone


Get me a doctor

Who will get rid of my bones
Get me a lover

Who will leave my head alone
Get me a soldier

Who will fight me in this war
Get me an exit

I need an exit

I need a window or door


Get me a lawyer

Who will sue the world for me
Get me a person

Who isn't me
Cuz I'm getting tired

I'm getting tired

Of my stupid little face
I don't belong here

I don't belong here

Don't belong in this horse race

Yeah...and when I showed my boyfriend it, he was not impressed at all. So to remind me that he may still be good even though he prefers Ice Cube to guitars, he did a really silly dance to the instruments at the end to which I would clutch onto my gut with laughter as I admired. Amazing lyrics though. CHILL OUT JESS.

Ok, final song is...

A Certain Romance by Arctic Monkeys

That summer where we smoked loads of 'gear' at Goodwill and Air got really good on the guitar. I told him the songs I wanted him to learn, I printed off the lyrics and then we saw what we could do. Nailed this on Summerleaze beach. Pretty sure I have a recording of us doing the Ring of Fire by Johnny Cash somewhere...those were the days.

Can't wait for the day when I reminisce on Jess Glynne's Hold My Hand and remember how great Manchester has been for me this year. Having an absolute ball, but really wasting my days off.

I've never met a girl like you before

January 5th 1975

Dear Dave,

Hoping that you are as well as I am. Isn't time flying? Things are not so good here in England. Prices have risen shockingly high and we're all wondering how we're going to survive. I've not spent large amounts of money these last few weeks in an endeavour to save our money to help us in the future. But even so I'm shutting out all realities and trying to enjoy, well being happy for the moment.

Your present to my mum and dad have been admired by all who enter our home. Mary Masters, in particular, is struck by the beauty of it as for me daren't look at it too long as I may get depressed no thats not the word, slightly low in spirits. My period is over so I'm feeling much happier and emotionally ready to cope with anything.

Do you remember that you didn't want me to work in a factory in case I had my fingers chopped off, well I'm not doing so badly even at B.H.S last Friday I was coming from the stockroom with a few boxes which were required by Doreen, my supervisor. To get to my department I had to pass the sweet counter. Unfortunately a flap off the box caught one of the basket sections and sent it flying to the floor. Sweets went everywhere. Unluckily at that moment, a man, a Mr Denton from H.Q, was in the store looking for imperfections. We hurriedly put the sweets into the basket before the manager and Mr. Denton spotted us. In doing so I didn't notice the broken glass which was sticking up like a spearhead. Blood gushed out. There was no pain and I just looked for a few mins. Then as the blood was falling to the floor, I hurried to a back room and held a towel tight against it. At that particular moment, Mr. Goddard and Mr. Denton walked in. Mr. Denton was full of concern when he saw how deep the wound was. I could sense that Mr. Goddard wasn't too pleased at my inefficiency, well neither was I. I hurried away to the sickroom and I was given some treatment. The staff manageress came rushing in and was annoyed to find that it was only me, that the fuss was about, and not a customer. I could have laughed at her expression when she saw me. Anyway about 5 mins later I was working, perhaps not as efficiently as before but my hand was sore. It's still a wee bit sore and I've got a plaster over it as I'd hate infection setting in. As I was leaving that evening, Mr. Goddard said that Mr. Denton had asked if I'd needed a blood transfusion and he would have come and held my hand.

You know how I can talk to anyone well yesterday I went to catch a 'bus, the routes have changed, and I was making my way for the link road when I saw the 'bus come round so I ran like the clappers, (I'm sure I'm losing weight) when the driver, in sympathy stopped just before the stop to pick me up. Luckily for me the driver had made a mistake and should have been in Cropston. Unfortunately for him a car had been sent out to see if the lads were on time and on the right route. This car spotted us and the driver said that if anyone rang in to ask where the 'bus was in Cropston it would meant the sack for him. We spent the journey talking to one another, all the time.

I managed to read 3 stories (books) yesterday and all I could dream about was you. I spent an hour trying to get to sleep but my thoughts were full of you. You see, there was an advert, last night, with "has beans" involved which brought back the memory of the meal we had with the beans on toast when I said that they weren't Heinz beans and you said that they were "Has beans". Someone's bruited your idea. By the way I came across one sock the other day, yours of course.

The bed spread if now well and truly finished and in my opinion looks very professional. Before you say anything, mum Sturt likes it as well. The newyears day brought some sadness 'cos you are so like your father. Certain mannerisms that you've both got are so appealing and loveable that I could have looked at him all night. He laughed practically all evening. I'm afraid that I've picked up some of your remarks and unconsciously they come out in my speech. Several times. Mum Sturt said that I'd picked up Sturt phrases.

The new shoes you purchased for me have been polished with honest to goodness polish and not kiwi soldier stuff. Are you satisfied, my dear David.

About half an hour ago I had just finished a book called, "Rendezvous in Cyprus" by Barbara Toy. No it's not a romance. This woman went to Cyprus and went around the island in a land rover. It so impressed me that 2 hours went by and the book was finished. Thanks to the book my enthusiasm has returned for Cyprus and I would like to see the island returned to peacefulness and love. Unrealistic you say but it could be done. What you said about the cats tallied with what was written. What you both didn't agree upon was the fact that they weren't flea bitten as you suggested.

Your "need" for lying in has now rubbed onto me because on my days off I feel very deprived if I have to get up before 9 o'clock. By the way, the letter before this one answered the one that was posted in England and I have received the one that you wrote on the 21st. Thank you for that letter. It bucked me up. It's great hearing from you.

Now I'm going to turn to knitting. Lots of love Maria.

P.T.O

Have enclosed something that might amuse you I know my writing is erratic but please persevere and decipher it (ha!ha!).

All the love in the world, Maria.

P.S I am now on the last lap where the pullover is concerned and that means that I have only one sleeve left to do and then I'm finished. My only worry is that it may be too big!!! I only hope you like it.

Love U xxxx.

Baby if you hold me, all of this will go away

Top ten albums which you can listen to, cover to cover, for five days straight. In no particular order...

LCD Soundsystem - Sound of Silver

Edward Sharpe and The Magnetic Zeros - Up From Below

Bombay Bicycle Club - I Had The Blues But I Shook Them Loose

The Arcade Fire - Funeral

Fleetwood Mac - Rumours

Alanis Morissette - Jagged Little Pill

Daft Punk - Discovery

The Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Fever To Tell

Kings of Leon - Aha Shake Heartbreak

Noah and the Whale - Peaceful, the World Lays Me Down

Lets get together before we get much older

Here is a list of my favourite 15 songs to listen to in the sun. Particularly when in my little red motor; whether it’s off to start the summer day en route to see my best friend who lives an hour and a half away, or even when I find myself driving past the turning to my house just to have an extra 20 minutes in the car with the stereo to accompany my viewing of the gorgeous Cornish sunsets.

Dance Yrself Clean – LCD Soundsystem

There could not be a better suited opening track; to both the final album that was made by the fabulous James Murphy and co, and for a start of a sunny day. It begins slow as usual with LCD, but the wonderful suspense of the genius seven minute duration up to the inevitable bass explosion gets you from A to B with a hand punching the air and a shuffle in your seat. Listen to it loud.

Don’t Look Back Into The Sun – The Libertines

Possibly my favourite introduction to a song ever. Just a loud drum and a simple guitar tune to be joined by the wonderful combination of Doherty and Barat. Fabulous to walk with the rays falling on your shoulders.

How Do I Know – Here We Go Magic

Just a really laid back song, all components coming together to make a beauty of a track you just want to sway to under a sunset, eventually leading up to a more energetic thrusting. It will have you singing along with woooo-hooo-oooo.

Walking On A Dream – Empire of The Sun

So dream-like, definitely a good one for the progression of gears; I like it to start when I’m in a 30 zone approaching an A road. Another swayer, can’t quite sing along because the lyrics are unclear. One which is not, is “Never looking down, I’m just in awe of what’s in front of me”. Feel that sun, look at that road. Sometimes I skip it back to the beginning simply because it’s so seasonally delicious.

Keep The Car Running – The Arcade Fire

A nice little guitar to introduce all the other wonderful instruments used by the talented Canadian group. This is one I thrust my body forwards with, whilst tapping the steering wheel, and screaming along. The combination of sounds are perfect for that summer vibe.

Sticks ‘n’ Stones – Jamie T

Oh wow, so many elements. A poetic start to get you in the mood, similar to Walking On a Dream, I like to make the build up of speed to correlate with the build up of the song. Such great verses, such a great bridge, and when we finally get to the chorus, it does not fail to impress. RUNNING WITH BELIEVERS. I could dance to it all day every day, shouting out the window; you’re still my friend it’s impossible to hate you.

Green Garden – Laura Mvula

The lyrics just paints the picture of where you want to be, and the music takes you there, strutting along the way, until you have got to the garden, and you are dancing there like you used to. I go wherever you go, wherever you take me I go.

Ray of Light – Madonna

An absolute classic accompaniment to a beaming sun and motorway driving. Turn that indicator on and over take whilst you wiggle in your seat and you proclaim how you feel like you’ve just got home, because it’s true. Nothing better.

Plage – Crystal Fighters

Now, I think the majority of Crystal Fighter songs are fantastic for the desired season. They have nailed the whole ‘song completely embodying a summer feeling’. Another great build up of tapping growing into a full blown arm flinging affair. “Come over here with your heart, and I will love your heart with mine”. We’re probably in Barcelona, probably skinny dipping in the sea completely intoxicated, probably listening to this song. Take me there, I’ll do it.

Smile Upon Me –  Passion Pit

Another one that takes a dream like stance. I like listening to it when I’m going fast, and it’s going loud. Passion Pit’s lyrics really are my favourite; there’s a place in this world where people like me are fond of people like you.  Just got the tempo and vibe you need when the sun is shining. It makes you appreciative of your friends, and appreciative of the weather. Especially if you live in Britain.

Feel The Love – Rudimental

Great dance song and lovely little voice. Not really little, just an adjective I use to show affection. Booming track which was a great soundtrack to the summer of 2013. No one can deny it, you feel the love too.

Send Me On My Way – Rusted Root

Aw. Now this is one you clap and march to, maybe even skip round a pool table if you’re really feeling lucky. Indecipherable lyrics; but with that flute or whatever it is, you are in the country in the sun. Or maybe even in a toilet in a bar in New York, excited, and no one else caring. Turn it up and bloody dance around.

We Want – Skindred

College summers, driving with friends who have just passed their driving test. After the rap like introduction, you are bouncing. Bo bo.

Outside – Summer Camp

Haven’t had the pleasure of driving along to this yet, I have, however, chose it as my buddy as I walk to work on the most glorious afternoon. Nothing makes you want to take a detour more than this, lets go outside today. A simple melody with the upbeat tempo makes you just want to be where you should be. Outside.

Baba O’ Riley – The Who

My oldest favourite. Nothing says summer like The Who, being out there in the field.  Is it a piano at the beginning? Who cares. Listen to the piano after it. Listen to Daltrey. Is the sun shining? Yes it is. Listen to that drum roll, this is what life is all about. Just when you think it couldn’t get any better, out comes the violin solo, leading to the most perfect stomp. The perfect summer soundtrack. Thanks Papa, for introducing me to the teenage wasteland. That sounds like he helped me get fucked up on drugs, he merely just said one day “listen to this”

I feel chirpy just writing this. I await leaving the house tomorrow with great haste; put out the fire and don’t look past my shoulder.

Do what you want, what you want with my body

A delicious day off, sun is out and I'm still in bed. Have some custard in the fridge which I am going to turn into my brunch.

I've been putting it off for a long time now, I think because I don't want it to be over, but it's been a month now and I need to get over it.

My love for New York which has been heartbreaking to be away from. I have a days worth of memoirs to write up, but I very much plan on going in a mere four months so I can write about my summer fling again then.

Magical, things seem to finally be falling into place. Custard time...


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:West Fairholme Road,Bude,United Kingdom

Just call it what you want

So, I am physically back in the same place I was three years ago. Possibly even mentally, but I believe I am just that little bit more better off.

I have never had to do something so hard before, people have described me as brave, I truly hope it is not because they are stuck in the same position that I was. I'm not an asshole, it has affected me negatively. I am completely fine until I see his beautiful sad face, but I cannot just stay around to make it smile, because then it is my less beautiful face which becomes sad. I will always hold a soft spot and appreciate the calmer person he helped me become.

Now, for the mental change; I just appreciate everything so much more. I find myself daily admiring photos of friends and filling with happiness that they are in my life. Alright Jess hun, chill the fuck out. But it is so nice to spend time with people who are so fun, laugh at ridiculous things and just generally be with.

It's not even just my friends which are making me happy. I have made plans, I am starting to do the things I have always said that I wanted to do. Just doing it, fed up of talking about it, almost twenty five and still recycling my twenty one year old times. So New York for February it is. She will go to America. She will, eventually, decide how she wants to spend her time within a job, whether she will be with anyone when she is old and grey.

Being alone doesn't even scare me or make me sad. A song will come on in the car that I enjoy, I don't have petrol, I do not have money to spend (literally, it is Christmas and I decided to fucking start living my dreams - good one) but I will still turn the music up, and scream out with my entire heart with a smile on my face. Because I can you know. Yolo.

This is so disgustingly me oriented. Nothing has changed...

Ok, just a little bit more narcism... pretty tempted to go back to uni (maybe a good one this time, probs not though) and maybe do a little dancing degree huns. I think it'll be fun, and then again I think it'll be a waste of time and money.  It'll all come out in the wash.

Things can only get better.

Facing the floor, I'm gonna be somebody.

The way you walk, the rhythm while you're dancing

I always found myself rather lucky when it came to lack of regrets; I’d never slept with anyone too ugly or rubbish and I always had fun with everything I did. I would always happily state that I never had a regret in life, or would imply that my current terrible hair colour would be it. Which is fine, because it’s the colour of bloody hair. Obviously I’ve woken up on Sunday mornings, feeling complete horror when remembering the antics which occurred the night before; who doesn’t? But it’s never been, in hindsight, that much of a big deal.

During college years, I fell very close to my friend, Becky. She opened my eyes to a lot of things; fashion, music and general values. I guess I'd always had the same voice as her, she just helped me make mine louder without realising it. After college, we went our separate ways; me up North, and she trundled along to the capital. One holiday came along, where we both found ourselves at the same place at the same time, and on a drunk summery day, cherry Lambrini in tow, she asked me why on earth we decided to watch The Klaxons over the Smashing Pumpkins when we went to the Reading Festival in 2007. We drunkenly laughed at our stupidity of missing out on rock legends, which we had always admired, for a band we had only had a summer fling with.

So, that was it, after that, I would tell everyone that my biggest regret in life, was watching The Klaxons play over The Smashing Pumpkins.

The whole time at the festival had been somewhat awkward; all college friends had been put back together after a summer apart due to some great idea we had about 8 months prior when we all still talked. We weren’t the gang we once were. We had grown apart but were forced to share a tent. I had been arguing with my boyfriend on the phone the whole time because we were just shit with each other, so the experience wasn’t looking too great.

The final night came, and along with it, vomit. We sat down at the back of the dance tent, wondering why on earth no one else had chose this delightful area. I put my hair behind my ear and then I smelt the reason why…but we continue to wait for the Klaxons. We somehow got hold of glow sticks, just in time for the best bassline I’d ever heard, it was the best bassline we’d all ever heard. We stood from our sticky seats, and for the first time, we laughed off the half consumed carrot on my fucking sleeve and we bloody danced. All was forgotten, or remembered if you like, and we were friends again. The mutual acknowledgement of the quality music brought us back to where we started out. We didn’t know what we were dancing to, but it was too good not to.

Five years later, I’m in Bristol with my (next) boyfriend, we’re killing time waiting to watch a band later that evening. So we pop into HMV, naturally, it’s one of my favourite places to spend time and money. After H+M. So there we are, and I stumble across a blu ray disc titled “Shut Up And Play The Hits”, I pick it up and read the blurb; how on earth did I miss out on LCD Soundsystem’s final ever show? I absolutely adored them! Their album Sound of Silver is one of those cds which I can put in my player and listen to for days. I had even leant it to three colleagues of mine, trying to spread the word about them (two of them were boys I fancied, trying to impress them with my fantastic musical knowledge). So I bought it and we took it home.

So, days later, I find myself with, finally, some spare time, and this fabulous blu ray disc. I put it on and find myself drawing the curtains, turning the volume up and dancing around my living room. It was as if I was there. I sit down and watch the rest of the dvd, in utter awe of the fabulous band and the even more fabulous songs. They were so perfectly constructed. So right up my street.

So, using my forever faithful hindsight, I take back my biggest regret as not seeing little Billy Corgan rock out, because it was one of the best decisions I had ever made. If it wasn’t for that, I would have never discovered the fantastic LCD Soundsystem. And I never would have passed on their work to the beautiful boys.

So, this brings me back to where I started from, not having a biggest regret in life. Which isn’t a bad place to be in at all. Well, apart from the shit colour of my hair…but you know what, I’ll settle for that.

I have to battle months on end to get anything sorted

I am currently in the middle of two internet 'challenges', the first being a March Photo Challenge on Instagram; a chosen topic for each day, but also the One Month Squat Challenge; to make my bum beautiful.

Tomorrow's photo topic is 'Best Friend', but as I'm going on an all day course, alone, I thought I'd see what I can conjure up prematurely. So I looked through all my Facebook pictures, and bunged them in an app to make a collage.

Of course, this sounds trivial, but I really struggled to fill those 6 squares appropriately. The first one I did, it missed out the person who is probably closest to me, due to the compromise of wanting to hold on to the old friends. It just looked good to have them in the photo. So I made a ruthless decision to take out the old, just for now anyway. Maybe they can make an appearance next year when we can both make an effort to see each other.

The next one I did, really focussed on the new friendships I have made. Really new. In fact most people in my life have no idea how I can consider this man as one of my best friends because I have to kind of hide it in some way. However, putting him in made me unintentionally exclude a friend neither old or new, but still ever present none the less. I had also reluctantly not included one of my oldest, nearest and dearest in both versions. So I decided to start up again.

So, the final version. I took out the inappropriately new, as well as the 'not wanting to let go' old, and I arrived to a collage of my best friends.






Louise, a friend I found in a colleague. It's amazing how a place can bring people together; two completely mental and potentially psychologically ill girls, who have the same views on relationships, crap girls and, most importantly, food.

Janine. My friend from college. Met her on the first day, went to different unis, studied the same thing, got the same degree result and then ended up working in the same shop. It was fate. My closest. Forever in my heart.

Piti, a beautiful girl who gave me a holiday of a lifetime. Stuck with me during my stubborn ways and sunstroke days. And still talks to me this day. No matter how long we haven't spoke, we always pick it right back up from what we left off.

Air, again like Piti, we don't get to see each other often, but when we do it's as if there's never been a hiatus. Two minds which are the same. It feels like coming home when we talk; not a single worry in the world and complete understanding.

Toby. My comedian. The nicest and funniest man in history, with a sense of humour which is one in a million. Basically, a complete weirdo who laughs and promotes your shit jokes because your just as weird too. Lucky I found him.

Finally, my huns, my soul mates since the tender age of 11.

Sometimes I like to dwell on things that don't even matter? And then spend half an hour writing about it. That's why I'm so fucking mental, and have a cupboard dedicated to my bullshit scribblings and crazy theories. Which are probably all true...

As for the squat challenge, I'm only 6 days in so not too much to report, but I have surprised myself with the motivation and will power I have. Always always always doubt myself. Who would have thought I would have turned out the self deprecating fool?

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Location:Fore Street,Stratton,United Kingdom

I want to punch my optimism in the face sometimes. Just let it go. Times two.


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Perfect

Whatever could it be?


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Take back what I last said, just been watching some videos and I can not take the smile from my face. So excited.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pAIuRPINzc8


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This evolutionary invention was incredibly complex

It's amazing what power can be held if you are physically attractive.

I knew I was having a good day when I lived up North, as I would have to cross a busy road every day for uni which could take around 10 minutes. If I wore a belt in the right place, or actually washed my hair, cars would actually break and stop all the people behind.

I know I'm having a good day, now that I'm living back down South, when I walk through my town centre, and a girl from my year who has mutually avoided my eye contact since 2005, says "Hey Jess" from within a shop. She was heavily pregnant, which was a surprise. If our eyes meet again, and my hair remains grease free, I'll talk to her about it.

I wonder what this week has in store for me. Confirmations on all levels, it is exciting and nervewracking. I really need to hold my composure, and yet relax. This time next week could be a whole new ballgame.

Tomorrow I'm seeing the creators of Anna Sun! Hasn't set in yet, always better to not be excited! Take it as it comes, you know? Can't believe how much this week has in store actually. I should do things like this more often.


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Location:Fore Street,Stratton,United Kingdom

Roll away your stone, I'll roll away mine. Together we can see what we will find...

Don't leave me alone at this time. For I'm afraid of what I may discover inside.

I knew something was going to erupt throughout the birthday period! Told you so.

Earlier on in the week, I was reunited with a soul I used to never be apart from, I had desperately wanted to see him since our friendship had hit a two year hiatus. But my confidence was knocked after we no longer understood eachother's humour, and we would talk over each other constantly, no longer knowing when the stories had finished. We didn't even discuss why he'd so ruthlessly cut me out of his life.

Things got better and we arranged to meet again later, with our third musketeer. It was just as uncomfortable, even with the addition of Southern Comfort. I kept thinking, am I being too loud? Am I being too naughty? What is he going to go back and tell his partner?

It wasn't this that got me down though. For when Thursday came again, and the three of us met up for lunch, everything clicked into place. We were united again, laughing at bad circumstances thrown at us, laughing at bad circumstances that we had managed to avoid, just generally laughing. We had finally got to that wonderful state we were in years ago. And I had never had so much fun.

So maybe it was the haircut disaster? I had had lunch with another old friend, discussed the same stuff we ever do, and also of haircuts. It was both enlightening and moreish; we really must make it a regular occurrence, for his sanity more than mine. My time for the haircut came, so lunch ended.

I trundled out for a few miles, got the dye on (just a brown please) and then waited for it to develop. The past few weeks, all I had imagined was what I could potentially look like on my birthday night out, with a gorgeous little jumpsuit I'd bought and my new gorgeously chocolated hair. Not a faded red in sight!

It came to the exciting time of washing it out, and I'm glad I'd opted to do it alone, as I nearly bursted into tears the second I saw red wash out in the water. What the fuck is this?! I was so angry. Not only will I have to dye it again so soon, but my poor beautiful outfit. Ruined!

I didn't even get it blow dried, just cut and I went home. Avoiding the mirrors in the car at all costs, sometimes failing to do so made me see the dark purple mess on my head. I went home and cried, pathetic I know! But, as I texted my friend who I had lunch with prior to the disaster; there is no surprise to leaving a hairdressers unsatisfied. Actual story of my life.

It wasn't this though, for I straightened it and bunged some make up on and I actually looked really nice...really nice!

Even girly night, after being made late, I thought, there is no way in hell they will make me cake or get me a present; something we do for all our birthdays. I thought I would be forgotten. But alas, I could not have been more wrong. They hadn't forgotten me at all, and it was a fantastic present!

So, the big day. Let's just reel off the FANTASTICNESS of it. Tickets to see Fleetwood Mac, that's right. THE Fleetwood Mac, original Rumours line up, minus my Christine McVie which is a shame because I'm really enjoying her right now. Yeah so, best ever right? Once in a lifetime opportunity, so good. And my bloody Papa gave me a photo of my car; at first I thought he was just highlighting my love of photos, after he explained to me it meant the car was now mine, all debts written off. I was on cloud 9! I heard from who I wanted on the birthday wishes front. Chaz took me to Padstow, we had a meal at Rick Stein's chippy, went shopping in Truro and watched a film in the cinema (very apt). I genuinely felt like a princess. What amazing people I have in my life. So maybe it was because of all the greatness of these days that after it, it all crashed down?

It comes to the birthday night out, one hun cancels. The other huns come out, complain all night about how they don't want to be out and I get my bloody mood out. I couldn't help but feel that I didn't want this. Just wanted to run away, taking the good with me. I made it known.

"Jess it's your birthday! You're in the Ben and The Chain is on!"

That was what sorted me out. I danced to Paradise By The Dashboard Light and all 4 hours negativity was gone.

And it turns out that the good wanted to run with me too.

It wasn't even that bad, just wish I hadn't made it bad and put a downer on it. Need to have so much more belief in my friends and family. It shows how amazing they are. It really was the best year ever. I hope the dreams of running away go soon, it is draining.

P.S I am NEVER going to wear a jumpsuit out again, had to take it all off every time I went to the toilet! All that heartache, for what ended up being the worst outfit in history. There's gotta be a lesson to be learnt here, right?

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Location:Maiden Street,,United Kingdom

One more round before the final, and the subject is sport

I don't know what it is about the time around my birthday that makes me anxious and sad.

I seem to have it in my mind that this day is the conclusion of everything I deserve from what I have put in since last February.

Laughs upon laughs at girly night, then when it comes to planning a birthday night out, they can't afford it.

Lack of birthday wishes from people who once held the date heavy on their hearts.

I need to bloody snap out of it, grow up and be happy with what I do get. I know it is so immature, I recognise that! But at the end of every January, the feeling soon rears its ugly head.

What else could be worse than the birthday blues? A bad trip to the hairdressers; what a lethally depression combination. I asked for brown! Not red! And it's turned out purple. And I really needed a thorough cut, which, judging by the lack of hair on the floor, did not occur.

Give it a bloody rest Jess, it's only a haircut. I have to laugh about it all really, otherwise I really would cry.


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Location:Saint Michael's Road,Stratton,United Kingdom

We're more like best friends

I have been in a metaphorical pickle for a while now, questioning the meaning of life every night at 12am, even if my alarm is set for 4:45am. Not only is it tiring, but it is upsetting and tedious also.

I have a vision though; it's as if it is a screenshot of the future in my head. Doesn't even seem fictional or even too farfetched.

I don't know whether I should do things to aid it happening? I think I'll just carry on doing whatever, and if it's meant to happen then something will unravel...
A really nice thought though, looks perfect in fact. Which is just what every person in history wants for their life. Oh I hope it does happen! Last time I had a vision like this, I genuinely, 100% thought Strider from Blazin' Squad and I were going to end up together...

That probably didn't happen just because Jess took Frankie to the concert instead of me...

High hopes. Cute, little, hairy babies.