It's been so long now, you've forgotten how to smile

Well today's been pretty good actually. Wow, Lee and I have been getting on really well. I actually want him. The bad point of my day is that Conrad wasn't there in Law to stare at, and Ben has done something to his hair so he doesn't look as attractive.

This is what has been running through my mind the last 5 years.

Craig Skelly
Ever since that visit day in year 6, I knew there was something special about you. My best friend at the time, Merren Skinner, had told me not to worry about the lack of great guys going round, and I would find a perfect person at Budehaven. Craig was the only one that stuck out from all the rest. I remember us sat in a pentagon-ish shape. Russ, Alex, Craig, Me and Lettie. Those were good times.

Throughout the whole time at school, I claimed that I loved you. In year 9 I remember you saying: "Why are you so nice Jess?" after I gave you a £1 for a Pot Noodle, and I was just like...:"I'm Jess".

The next day you were with Gina, it really upset me actually. I actually thought you liked me that day.

Years went by when I was in denial about "loving" you. It was one drunken night that I realised that I did still have feelings for you. I was shouting it at Jess Bate as we walked home. And then, about 11, I rang up, so terrified about what you might say. I suppose it was because I was drunk that I felt like I had to tell you. You just said you were tired, and that was the end of that phonecall.

Then year 10 and 11 came. I had witnessed you go downhill since the age of 11. I watched you go from drug to drug and it really broke my heart to see you in that way. I just wanted to take you out of it all, no one believed that you would ever be able to give up, and I'm sorry to say that I was one of them.

The anxiety attacks. You don't know how concerned I would be. When I saw that you had been punching walls and stuff. I didn't like the way you seemed to portray yourself. And it broke my heart, to think, every time I saw you at school, it would be such a big deal for me. And for you not to realise how great you were in my life, it just...you know. I just wanted to hug you and say, Look Craig, you are so much better than you think. You don't know how much I actually love the fact that you exist. And to see you hate yourself, made me hate myself. I was in love with someone who hated themselves.

I just wanted to be the one to talk to you, and make you come round. But I never got the chance because you never let me. You never give me chances Craig. All I wanted was a chance.

And now, you've given up drugs, even fags. You don't know how proud I am of you. No one believed in you, so you made it on your own. And you have my entire respect for you. I actually can't believe how highly I think of you. It makes me think that I do actually love you.

I used to actually imagine myself telling you this, and it would make me cry. Seriously, every encounter I had with you made me so happy. I would love it when we would just have a great conversation, and I would think to myself as I walked home: "Me and Craig got on really well today"

And the next day it seemed as though it had meant nothing to you. But I just couldn't stop thinking it all the time.

And now, Craig. 5 years and we're now going to college together, still talking and I'm so amazed.

I love you


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