With your hands in the air ou look like the girl at the fair with the bubbly eyes

Sleeping is getting hard. Just reinforced my quality music collection on my iPhone so thought I'd be all ridiculous and listen to a few songs and wrote what they mean to me. I'm so crazy...

Underworld - Born Slippy. A million memories of this, being at Mon's playing around the world on the dartboard. Being completely terrified when I watched Trainspotting for the first time, which then grew into a great love interest within heroin and it's most famous users. Finally, almost falling in love next to the canal.

Lynyrd Skynard - Freebird. Unfortunately, it reminds me of the remake of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, never has the thought of nails being imbedded in a wall been so sickening. It also reminds me of a million hours wasted on guitar hero, actually had to listen to the same 4/5 minute beginning a million times before I actually managed to complete it on hard mode, I do so screaming the whole way through the guitar solos.

Plastic Bertrand - Ca Plane Pour Moi. Disregarding the advert, this reminds me of the wonderful Prick from graphics at college. Trying on my t shirt, generally playing on the fact that everyone thought he was a grumpy man, when he was actually love. Also that time when I was in an open access room at uni and my phone stupidly decided to start playing, was so embarassing. No wonder I left Chester with no friends.

Kate Nash - Foundations. Wow, when I first heard this on the radio Pat was driving me home from his. I laughed at the lyric "I'd rather be with your mates because they're much fitter" and I got in a lot of trouble. It was also the song which was featured heavily in the heartbreaking soundtrack of leaving Bude behind for Chester.

Born Ruffians - Hummingbird. Again, apart from the Orange advert, just reminds me of when it was my message tone. My friends would get annoyed with the introduction because it would keep going off as Pat would give me shit all night for being at my friends house. This leads onto memories of playing Cluedo until around 5 in the morning, and losing every single time.

Kylie Minogue - In My Arms. This reminds me of the summer of 2008. Tabby, obviously, has the latest Now cd, so it would be
Played constantly as we drove round to Canworthy Water and Northcott, getting near enough naked on hay bails and getting caught, dancing to Michael Jackson's Thriller on clifftops and visiting haunted houses which sheep now occupy.

Bette Midler - Wind Beneath My Wings. This is quite apt, as I decided to watch Beaches instead of the World Cup final today. This reminds me of going to North Tamerton every Friday night with the South's. On the way home, I'd be staring up at the stars in the sky praying with all my heart that Aaron wouldn't be sick on me. This memory goes hand in hand with From A Distance aswell.

Justice vs Simian - We Are Your Friends. Not only was this played as Nikki Graham's music for her best bits after being evicted from the Big Brother house... it was a little more personal too. Sian and I were invited to a Spice Girls party, naturally I was Baby and she was Scary. This was supposed to be the song being played in the car where the boys we fancied were... Alas, they never arrived with the lift. We had to walk around 7 miles home, Sian complete with 6 inch leopard print heels. At the end of it all, I threw my shoe at her brothers bedroom window, and we were able to rest.

System Of A Down - Chop Suey. Drinking Tia Maria at the age of 15, headbanging in front of the computer and jumping around the computer with Tabby. And generally doing the same dance wherever we were when we heard it.

I was hoping to make more of an impact with my return here, so much has changed. I have a degree which my father is not proud of in the slightest, I have a job which I know I will love the whole time I'm there, I have a provisional driving license in my wallet and I have no one holding my hand anymore. Laura. Hopefully I'll wake up to something nice, something to help me sleep better at night. Or maybe I just shouldn't listen to music when going to sleep.










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Would you really rush out for me now?

So, this is the last time I'm going to be watching Glee in Chester, so I thought I'd write a post about it. Not about Glee, about "lasts". I am literally days away from escaping hell, the thoughts of sadness and missing people are all out of the window.

Tomorrow will be my last seminar, my last time up Kingsway.
Thursday will be my last exam, my last thing to do for uni.
Friday morning will be the last in this flat.

I always focus of "lasts", it makes everything a last. I can't wait for my firsts though, seriously.

My first summer without thinking of having to leave everything all behind at the end of it all.
My first proper job.
My first driving lesson.

Things will be good, as soon as my feet touch cornish soil. Seriously, why do my friends want to leave Bude when I can't think of anything more worse? They just don't know how good they've got it. Or they just don't live with lazy, selfish, controlling alcoholics. Oh man, Friday morning, I wait for you with great haste.

I need someone beside me in everything I do

Days are getting better and better, if not sentimental. Handed in the penultimate project, a magazine that I am very much proud of (my friends tell me I should be too), so supportive they are.

Can't believe just one more project, an essay and two exams are the only things between me and finishing uni. I know that I've had bov for it all this time, but now it's coming to the end I fear I will miss Kingsway. And the tramps in the subway that I always give money to.

High hopes are in front, with driving and dancing at the same time being my main goal. Oh I wish I was a dancer. Better do a degree in journalism and graphic design then.

A little on the edge of seventeen

Just like the white winged dove sings a song like she's singing, I am working hard like a trojan for the last few weeks left at university...

Or at least I would be if the festering technician was actually qualified. I should have never exposed Mike's kindness. That Alan has damaged me in more ways than one.

I'm almost ready to throw away all academic lifestyle, move to California and fal in love with Lindsay Buckhingham. Oh wait, that wasn't me...that was my idol.

The sun is out and it is waiting for me to pop out so it can kiss my massive cheeks and the roots of my red hair. It's quite nice growing up, where all your friends are uccessful within different areas of everything. I feel like I belong in Sex And The City. This weekend, however, I'm ditching Sam and her PR qualities, as well as Miranda and her law, Charlotte and her art knowledge. I'm off to see my very own technician and his stylist boyfriend.

I wonder if he'll delete my work and waste 2 hours of my time aswell? Look at me, oh look at me is this the way I'll always be?

I certainly hope so. Because I enjoy salmon and I will be hot.

Drowning in the sea of love where everybody would love to drown

Lots of things are sorted, some are not but are heading in the right direction.

For example, I'm supposed to be writing up my dissertation at the moment, I'm just editing, got the front page, abstract and introduction done. Lots needs to be done on the rest...I have to collect bookbooks tomorrow, and to make notes form the books I already have out.

Next Thursday I can experience sun and warmth! Hate the North West. Roll on the next two months baby, I'm ready to become a designer of some sort. I want money, I want to pay off everything and I want to just chill the fuck out.

Better get on then.

Come on skinny love, what happened here?

I'm a complete mess, of hunger, sleep deprivation and just general sickness. At least I was appreciated earlier, it's nice when people look at your face to make themselves feel better. I have finally found something I am good at, it's a shame I cannot just have a career in converting shorthand into longhand though...

All work and no play has left me questionning my friends. I think too much anyway, but I await this weekend with great haste. I want to dance and I want to sleep on a floor with just a duvet and crap cushion. Oh Manchester, what have you to offer me?

Can't wait for these 2 months to be over, no doubt I'll miss it when I'm gone.

But then again...maybe not.

On the day that we left the neighbourhood heart skipped a beat

When we come back, I know it'll all look the same.

Massive blow up on the 'growing up' front on Friday. Had to do a presentation for journalism, had to pitch an idea for a magazine. The ultimate crumble, I wonder if when I die I can just watch my whole life over again. I would press the fast forward button as soon as it came to bit where my shoe fell off. Guaranteed my sweat patches were on full display aswell, had a massive heat flush.

I would also pause it when my sister made me noodles, and keep rewinding it when my good friend made me almost spill my guts on the dancefloor when he mimed to 'Better Off Alone'. At the moment though, it's just at a steady play pace. Things are on track, no doubt the fucking presentation I have to do on Tuesday will make me trip up all over again. This is the time when I need to act on what I have learnt from mistakes, and to actually make sense.

I'm clearly not ready for the big wide world. What job can I get where I don't have to talk to anyone at all? Where work stays only in the workplace and where a good wage is available? Oh man, I've really gotta grow up. That or win the lottery.

Time is contagious; everybody's getting old.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:City Rd,Chester,United Kingdom

Gonna write a song so she can see, give her all the love she gives to me

She's not anyone.

But I am. Oh I certainly am. I am an organised one, a disciplined one. I set myself targets and I get these targets done when they're needed to. I also plan ahead, for things that don't necessarily matter at the moment. And because of this, I believe my third year will be a breeze.

I'll get the 4000 word essay draft completed tonight, along with the Shorthand practice cd. Then Monday - Friday I will finish my dissertation draft. Hand them all in, party like a slut on my birthday and then get back to work. From 9th February onwards, I shall work on my Corporate Design stuff, keeping in mind the ideas for my magazine for Journalism.

All I'm gonna have to do is juggle between two things I believe will roll smoothly once I get deep into them, and I'm not too far away from that at all.

It's all my brain ever thinks about. I go to bed at 2, look at the time at 3 after thinking of all the greatest things to do. I'm losing sleep over this, and weight. Bargain.

It's been a while...

During the busiest lifestyle ever, I have still found the time to come to uni, go to the seminar which may not be so important as the deadline has just passed, but will the lecturer be there to take the seminar?

Oh no, of course not. Wouldn't want little Jessy ACTUALLY being on track with her uni work. We'll just hinder her ;) They are cheeky little toerags. Pretty annoying toerags at that. I would have gone straight home, but I've got to pick up my little man with some of him missing...

I certainly hope he doesn't hate me after. Or die for that matter. I've missed him a lot today, my heart will break if he doesn't return home with me. Although lovely Jo hasn't rung to say he's bad so everything will be just fiiiine.

And everything in my life will be fine if I get my festering work done to the to do lists that I prepare myself almost every single day! Jeez Louise, if I was anymore organised I would be a poop mouth coming out of your mouth. Of the organised kind.

Seriously though, I've got to sort myself out, just a couple more months of this annoying lifestyle and then I can do whatever I want when I want. Well, not really, but it'll probably be a little more flexible.

A party and a holiday are in view. But they won't happen if I don't get this done sweethearts! Oh yes they will, I'll just tell myself that to keep me motivated. 21? Bring it on.

I've got a week to do all the hard stuff, and after that it'll be like recycling the last two years. Actually can't wait for all this to be over. I'm ready to decorate my house, prepare meals and breed rabbits.

I still think of you on cold winter mornings, darling they'll still remind me of when we were at school

So, back on track, with another limb.

Another limb with four limbs :) The four limbs are causing great harm to my body, but who doesn't want to constantly get new scars?

I am on track, fresh eyed and bushy tailed. Well, not so bushy but at least more sociable. I am determined to get through the final chapter of studying with mostly ease and thorough organisation. I know I'm going to be fine; I won't let myself not!

Not only that, I have been reading novels. Oh how I loved it. All run out though, White Oleander is such a good book. I initially found the poeticness of it all a bit daunting, but that's the beauty of it. And Ray and Claire. The film had the worst perception of it ever, was so bummed out.

So, with my mind's appetite well and truly filled, it brings attention to my body.

I am the exact measurements of Lily now. Not really, but there is a two mile trek everyday, sometimes it's even four miles. I'm eating better now too, my first Chilli Con Carne went down a treat, and I certainly appreciated the fibre of the red kidney beans it seems...

Just need to tone up, write, and stay on top of the finances. For the last year ever! Well...

And if all else fails and the ship won't set sail...

So recently, I have started to find women just a little bit more pretty than men. I'm not a batty, no, but I seem to like looking at pictures of models, female ones. They are so much prettier and thinner than me. And for once in my life, I'm actually bummed out about it.


And here's the culprit, Little Miss Lily Aldridge. What a perfectly pretty slut she is. With my most desirable of celebrity boyfriends. Her bust is 33 inches, as is mine. Her waist is 23 inches, which matched the width of my big toe and who cares what her bum bum is, it's gonna be a lot smarter than mine.

The stories are all true, this kind of stuff does make people want to be like them. I'm off to burn a calorie or two.

I'll squeeze into heaven

So much has changed. Got a taste of a life alone, and it wasn't too bad at all. But I went back to the old life anyway, and it's still fun.

Acceptance for growing up has finally been granted. I want a baby skater boy, not for a few years yet but it's still something I can get all excited about if there's nothing else.

Heading back for the final page of that chapter in my life. I've got high hopes for it, not necessarily wanting it to end, will just have to see how it goes.

Excited about life. Seen Caleb Followill three times in my life now, and still wanting it to be. I listen to R.E.M just so that I feel that little bit closer...

E-Bow The Letter

Ok, on we go...

I am so done with this, and I'm so done with that. I just want to get back so I can clean some more rooms, and to also have driving lessons.

But I'm gonna sort this career out first, and do it well. Life is good, and I'm alone.

Are you rea'y?

So I have nearly finished one thing, leaving me to finish just ONE thing more until I can fucking relax, well until good old Mr Brown helps me out. Thanks for that.

Just gotta do a few more drawings and a little writing and Design and Communication is officially done with, hit all the right spots and I'm feeling pretty confident. Not only will I pass my second year, but I will do so with flying colours.

You can plan a pretty picnic but you can't predict the weather.

Strains are holding out, I need that train home. I can't wait for it, eating pizza and halloumi after a nice sleep of roughly 14 hours for 3 weeks. Growing up certainly is hard, and I know I'm not the only one finding this.

Duh, duh, duh, duuuuuuuuuu

I am at uni. 9:09 on a Friday morning. I fell asleep at 2:20 last night. Not liking this one bit.

I have to wait for a certain someone willing to provide a signature before I return to the fading warmth of my bed.

COME ON.

Whenever I'm sat at this computer, I always seem to hear 'It's Not Over Yet' not the original one, not the Klaxons one, but the Goldfrapp version. It's a nice version, I'll give you that. But it's not even the song playing, I have recently worked out that it's just the way the printer goes.

'Goes'

Man, actually can't be bothered with this. When I get the signature (guaranteed something goes wrong for me) I'm going home, setting my alarm for 12 and then crashing out. To wake up to packing, tidying and travelling.

Come on Bernadine, I swear you're a queen.

That's pretty good

Graphic designer is my name and Birkenhead is my game. At least one thing is sorted, just need the rest to (easily) follow and I'll be ready for my relaxed Easter egg in no time.

I'm extremely fat these days, but education comes first so jogging can wait until after my 5 stories and rationale, reflective essay, article and Oxfam annual report. Oh how I can't wait for the 20th of March, and it's not even that far away! Well...that's a little scary but it's good to know it's all going to be over soon.

I want my summer weeks (not weekends) to be filled with typical librarian stuff, I'll just happily sort out books for a small wage. Come on, make me happy, I've got bov for picking up pubes again.

University, who'd have thought it?

Pat shakes his head, but I keep on writing.zazaz\ Haha

I never wanted anyone like this, it's all brand new...

20 years old and not a thing to show for it. Apart form half way through a degree, a 2 year relationshp under the belt, and a new addition of a contract phone (it is really exciting). Not doing too bad then, and how's this for a work experience opportunity...teaching english in the Czech Republic?! How exciting. I certainly am moving up in the world.

And my phone has this thing called "TrackID", so if I'm listening to the radio and hear a song that sounds pretty good I just need to use the trackid and it finds out what it is for me. No more lyrics searching on Google.

Must dash, so fucking much to do, can't wait for this year to be over. Madonna is my mother from another level.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

Wet feet and meetings with strange American men who look like Robin Williams when he smiles. Better write bad things about things you like and want to work for, relax, it'll be fine. Karen pick up the phone, and Karen come back. I've got so much I want to tell you.

Life is back on track, body is cigarette free for the 5th day and I can't wait to be home, in my bed and with the man of my dreams.

Life is good and life is great because I've only got 3 more pieces of work to do and no one likes you.

You were a child, crawling on your knees

Heartbroken. Shattered. Crushed. Lonely. Can't even describe, can't even do anything to sort it out. I am so tired of everything, not even the comments of Big P and Mikey G can help me out right now, which, lets face it is all I've got.

I can't find myself fitting in anywhere, I'm just not how I used to be. There just seems no hope in ever finding her again, I've gone so far down one path I just can't seem to find anything to turn me back around. Nothing to look forward to this week, not tomorrow and not at the weekend. I don't think I should do anything about it though.

And there won't be a little ending with the slightest bit of optimism, I'm officially drained.

Yes twice is nice, three times is just right

I've got my pride and I'll let you sleep tonight. So listen up...

Sleeping and eating have become a massive chore recently, late nights, early mornings and gagging on cigarettes appears to be the way I roll. Not only has it recently passed the three years mark, but I have lost my other half. Living without the two has really taken it's toll. I have never felt so lonely, I don't even had the buds that I used to.

But I have new ones, I fell asleep just past midnight last night and my tummy is filled with pasta. Tonight should sort me out, I certainly hope so. I am ready to parade around and feel gorgeous, I am ready to dance like an idiot and I'm ready to go for a coffee.

If I told you things I did before, told you how I used to be, would you go along with someone like me?

So much has changed, things are definately taking a turning and at the moment I don't know whether it'll be good or bad. I hope it's for the best though, as it was my decision.

Nearly time to leave everything behind again, I'm optimistic though. I'm going to try this time. I am interested. So interested. In so much more things than one.

I can hold your beautiful hands, and kiss your beautiful eyelids

Well a lot has changed really, said goodbye to trusty Newton Hall, it was rather sad, but maybe good to leave it behind. Back at home being the busiest person in the world. Chambermaiding with the biggest gossips in town and out everynight trying to cover everything I've been missing out on.

I'm just going to rest my poor little feet til around 5, maybe catch up on a bit of Bad Girls. Not much longer to go, which is rather sad. Only one bg thing left on my to do list, it'll probably remain that way until a week or so before the deadline. I love how I never learn my lesson. It'll come bite me in the ass one day, just like I hope that that will come back one day. When I really need it. Although, I don't see it being too hard to conquor. S'laters pink

So are you ready to cut them down to 3? The final three

So today probably couldn't have been any worse. First, an exam, followed by complete down pour, a delayed taxi (I stole "Danielle's" in the end) followed by soggy Avon books.

However, I will make lots of money this time! I am still awaiting to hear from the Hotel and I have finished my first year!

A dream celebration would be a trip to the fair, to be pinned back on the waltzers with a massive smile on my face, maybe throw in a video of the laughter. And after, a stick of candyfloss, winning one (maybe two) goldfish and just flushing them down the toilet when we move. Followed by alcoholic consumption and a wee play on Mario Party 8.

Rain rain, fucking go away!

That's where I'm going, where are you going?

Dream catch me, yeah, dream catch me when I fall. Else I won't come back at all.

I've been with Pat a year! Wow. First relationship is a long one then, that'll look good on my resume.

It's all coming to an end, it seems to have been a rather fast process, I hope I don't have a repeat of college. I can't wait for it all to be finished, and can't wait to have a repeat of last summer, but even longer this time!

Tomorrow I need to resize and collect two green sheets. Man, it feels good to finally let go of everything.

J'adore the pain in my chest and the gut that flumps around. I'm actually happy though.

Isn't she the cutest thing you've seen in your life!

He said "Hey sister, it's really nice to meet ya"

The tickets for my trip have arrived.

Take me on a trip, I'd like to go someday

I would love a trip, I've been craving one for quite a while now. I don't know why I'm so down lately, whether it being due to Karen going, moving away from home, being in a relationship or simply growing up. It is probably a combination of the four.

I've never found giving up smoking so easy, or losing weight so hard. The uni work will be fine, I believe, so I try not to let that put me down. But there's always something there, oh yeah - told you so. I'm finding myself stand up for myself more, people may see that as a good thing, but I think it makes me looks insane.

I love James from American Big Brother, I really hope he goes straight to the end, festering Sheila and the rest, NO ONE CARES ABOUT MATTY ANYMORE, LET IT GO. But yeah, I'm pretty annoyed that I missed the episode where Chelsia went mental. Yeah, so James, he looks like the singer guy from Alphabeat, actually can't get enough of that song Fascination.

I can't wait for it to come out on SingStar. So, to summarise it all, I'm feeling really withdrawn and lonely. I'm really hoping it's just a state of mind, and it's not all about growing up, because otherwise I'm actually screwed.

Poor old Jess

That was as good as it got

Seriously, I manage to sort out one problem and they keep get thrown back in face. This has been nothing but a fight the whole time and it's starting to get out of my control. This is so annoying, and I knew it would happen. Just like I know that a certain someone is going to be in a certain place on a certain date. If it does happen, like I know it will, then I've been taken for a mug. I hate that expression.

Read my lips, I'm into you, I'm into you

Good old Kylie. "Every song she releases is guaranteed to be good"

"What about Westlife? They had a number of consecutive number ones!"

"Yeah, they're well good"

That is the kind of things that me and my boyfriend talk about. Oh yes, still have a boyfriend. I've also recently adopted a job, it may be just delivering and collecting, but it's fun! And yeah, I may get only £35 every 3 weeks, but it's fun!

It'll do. So finally, I have a job, a boyfriend for nearly a year and things are going swell. All my work is up to date for uni and I've attended every lecture and seminar this week.

Who needs friends, aye? I can no longer relate to The Bucket as I am now 19, which has made me a little sad, but I can always find another one to relate to.

Probably won't be by Kylie or Westlife though I'm afraid.

James Blunt is being quite good again, I hated him for a brief while for obivous reasons, but I'm slowly starting to accept him again.

I am rather scared about meeting my PAT today, if he's rude to me in real life I am sure that I will probably start crying. Oh yeah, and I've given up smoking, put taken up getting fat.

Every cloud has a silver lining, mate.

Here I go...

Where you can discover the pirate within

It feels as though I haven't had any stories to write about for the last few months. And I know it's because I haven't been with my friends, and nowhere else seems to inspire me to write stories. I will be going home for my Christmas break tomorrow, and I have a delicious 3 weeks to collect as many stories as possible. I can't wait

Finally make something happen

I watch as a small, grey-haired woman appears at my doorway, carrying a little blond boy. I see her glance around my tiny home, her face winces and she says nothing, but I know it is because of the disapproval of the cigarette smell. As I make her tea consisting of milk, no sugar, I think about how this woman has managed to cope through the death of her daughter, to look after her grandson as if he was her own and to help set up a successful organisation. I look at her endearingly, after all that she had been through; she still had time to worry about my health.

She introduces me to her grandson, Jacob, as I pass her the tea. She examines it, almost as if I had not quite met her experienced standards. “I’ve only ever got drunk once, I hate the feeling of being out of control, I usually drink Schleur around Christmas, it manages to give me the same feeling of giddiness.” I smile at her as she takes a sip and smiles at me with reassurance that the tea was actually decent; I find the sweetness of this 52 year old woman remarkable.

Maria Sturt of Bude, Cornwall, brightens with pride as she tells me of her 33 year long marriage to David, an army man and the five daughters she had with him. She goes on to tell me of an organisation she helped set up due to the inspiration Jacob gave when he lost his mother at two years old. Jacob has Downs Syndrome.

Maria describes how The Little Rays of Sunshine Club was set up for children not only with Downs Syndrome, but for children with other disabilities too, in the early months of 2006, by herself and David in memory of their cherished daughter, Karen. The idea was conjured when a total of over £1,100 was raised for the Downs Syndrome Association at her funeral, when the family requested donations rather than flowers.

“Little Rays of Sunshine is a joy to me as friendships have been made, views exchanged. Children have become more confident causing life changing behaviour.”

I write down a list, which seems endless, of the events that have taken place, such as a sponsored abseil where around 30 people of all ages participated, a charity disco, a charity bingo game, a trip to Disneyland Paris for 49 children which took up a weekend, a charity rugby game, a fundraiser barbecue with all the trimmings and finally a Christmas party with the children in the special needs unit at the local school. The activities which are yet to take place are swimming with a surf instructor for 6 weeks and, finally, more sessions at the local school, allowing incorporation amongst the children within the two groups. These events have added up to the total of £3,300.

As I scribble down the quotes Maria seems to have repeated million times before, I look at her, and sure enough I can see it in her eyes, the ticking of appropriate boxes. “We would like to dedicate the Little Ray’s of Sunshine Club to honour Karen’s memory, while it was in losing her which proved to be the main channel for it’s induction, we believe that had she lived, she would have tried to do something similar herself.” It is at this point I find myself invasive, I look at her and she shrugs, but on her face is a suggestive, proud smile. So I continue.






So I asked about Karen, the pure smile was replaced with a face that I could never describe. A face of loss and remorse; a face I wish to never experience again. Karen was Maria’s third daughter, the only one of which to bless her and David with a grandchild. Karen was 19 when she gave birth to Jacob Isaac in 2003, the son who was the inspiration for the club.

“Karen was tragically killed in a road accident in November 2005, she’d recently past her test, and it hit the family hard. Especially with Jacob, she did everything she could for that boy and sometimes it just feels like what I do is somewhat inadequate in comparison.” I look again at Maria’s eyes, but this time I see no boxes eager to be ticked, no rehearsed answers. As her eyes reach my saddened gaze, she somehow manages to read my mind. She knew I wanted to know how she could even begin to carry on with life.

“Life means very little without God, prayers change what seems hopeless. God loves answering prayer. I couldn't have got through this horrible time without Him. Once you know Him you can’t live without Him. He means everything to me. I trust that He has got Karen safe and I know that if Karen was offered the way back she wouldn't want to come back as she has the best ever.”

“I still find it painful that Karen’s not here to see how Jacob is developing. She would be so proud of him. He used the potty twice for me in one day for the first time! I’m looking forward to when we meet up again.” And with that, I believe that all my boxes have been ticked.

As I say my goodbyes, I give Jacob a big kiss and a cuddle. Karen always said I’d be his favourite Aunty.

I know I can count on you

I have the longest to do list in the world, and it's all to do with work, which I'm not over pleased about. I have ACTUAL bov for it, but I'm going to have to do it. I've had this feeling before, and I've always managed to sort things in the end, so I don't know why I'm worrying about it. I will hopefully cause a reasonable sized dent in the workload my next week. Just need to start acting like a grown up! This is what I have (unfourtunately) decided to do with my life; I've made the festering bed of unwantedness, and now I'm having to die in it.

I just can't help thinking I've made such a big mistake, well, so many big mistakes. They'll all resolve themselves soon, well, soon is 3 years if I decide to carry on. The other soon is pretty much round the corner.

I would just like to dance in my room, chuck on a cd and boogie, with no fear of the people downstairs complaining about my odd ways of losing weight. Even if I was home I wouldn't be able to do it anyway, as my cd player appears to be broken, which is annoying.

Songs just don't have their original meanings anymore, and everyone knows what the meaning of songs is to me. Naw.

The day that you fall, I'll be right behind you

So it has inevitably arrived, the two year mark. And I think that it has hit me harder than ever before. It feels as though every single negative emotion you can possibly think of has filled my body and multiplied by a million. I can't stop crying, and I can't stop thinking. And I can't stop listening to McFly, apparantly.

Sometimes when I close my eyes, I just see myself looking at you from the landing, wincing and laughing at your gunged up eye and how you chased me around the house with it to make me cry. I think of how you could into my room when you wanted to dance or talk. I remember not doing what you asked and how you did everything I ever asked for.

I hate remembering, I don't want to remember anything. I just want to experience things with you now, and it's actually impossible. There's nothing I can do and there's nothing I can do to overcome this! Life is so unfair, and it seems as though I have only just come to realise this. I really fucking miss you Karen.

I always do.

I've got mixed up memories and I've got favourite places

I'm singing uh - oh on a Friday night and I hope everything is gonna be alright.

So what has the world come to? A place in time when everyone can be found using the internet. A place where you can't escape from the past which means that the future is being prevented with taints from a past time.

I don't want to be the girl focussing on the past of relationships, I want to working on my future ones. I'm fed up of my heart slowly tearing, and the most petrifying thing is that I know for a fact my heart is going to break, at least another 6 times. There's nothing I can do about it, it would be fighting the inevitable.

It's both amazing and scary at what can happen in a year. I got this idea from watching a documentry on soaps, Sonia goes from a lesbian to a fucked up weirdo in a few weeks. Good old Eastenders, I know it shouldn't be what lives should be based on, but it's a soap for a reason; the realistic story lines which occur.

This time last year I was scard about facing the one year mark, of tying down a relationship which was heading nowhere, and completely trusting my friends. I'm not facing the two year mark, I'm in a relationship I don't want to ever end and I use my friends for fun, they're not there to trust anymore. I'm writing this because I'm trying to find answers of easy ways out without being hurt, and there are none. Life really is so sad, no matter how much fun you can have, or whatever you can manage to get over, there's always going to be something to knock you back down to the ground again.

99 problems but a bitch ain't 1

Well, for a start, a "bitch" is one of my 99 problems. Along with the prospects of growning up. Seriously, I wish I could just be 7 again, when relationships were a game of kiss chase and a quick flash in the swimming pool and nurses probed only your ears.

Everybody wants to know her na-a-a-a-a-a-a-ame. Not my name though. She's just a weirdo with no name. I'm just a weirdo with no name and no colours in my hair! Before I set off I planned everything that I would do that day, what I would say and how we would spend the weekend having a friendly banter over a pint and southern comfort with lemonade. My opportunity couldn't have been more perfect, just before a lesson together, I was outside having a fag and he popped along and sat about half a metre away from me. At that point I tried figuring out how to start the topic of becoming friends, then the ost perfect situatuion happened! He dropped a rizla and it flew so close to me and I laughed, then I said "Hey, so you wanna be friends?, he said yeah an we're going out for that friendly drink tonight.

Not really, I said nothing after the laugh. Then after my fag I just walked straight back in and sat in my classroom, later to be joined by "Travis". the rest of the day wasn't too bad friend-making wise, my table was discussing films and I participated. I even had one of those moments when someone else does something really funny, so you instantly look to the person next to you to secretly laugh at them! It felt good. But what doesn't feel good is having no plans for the weekend, with no one to talk to and throwing up. Twice.

Fingers crossed for next week then

Disappointing crab, and the host was rude

Jealousy. That fucking feeling.

No matter how much you hate being jealous, you can't do anything about it, to my belief anyway.

It's the sort of thing that you hate being, but if other people feel it about you then it gives some sort of strength of power. Power or no power, I want this feeling to go away.

I want to be "that carefree girl", you know, the one that never gets hurt or stresses out about a simple look at a girl, or communication between the beloved man and his fucking ex bitches of girlfriends. However, the way I see it, to be carefree you never get hurt. But to never be hurt is to nevr get involved.

But I want to get involved. I want to be neck-deep in involvedness, fuck it, I want to be drowning in involvedness. But to be involved is to be jealous.

I'm fucked...and powerful

I don't mean to be rude, but it's not the first time you split up is it?

So after years of education, I only have to wait another 4 days to let the good times roll. And after a year of growing my hair, it has one more day to breathe in this world before I shop it all off. Of course I'm a little scared, about both uni and the haircut, but it'll be fine! Because things always are.

Today I recieved a letter from my friend, it included pictures of her guinea pigs, what a sweet, sweet girl. They are quite cute, although I will never purchase one, I'm a dog kinda girl , ya know what I'm saying blood? Geeze? Cheeks? Dead?

I wonder who I'll meet at uni, I'm gonna be living with like 3 of the people I meet this time next year! Now that's a scary thought. I guess this time last year I would have no idea of living and being with Pat, who is of course God's answer to the word perfection. Actually Jess with a willy, which all my blog readers know is what I've been searching for pretty much all my life.

And there's sex! Haha, oh God I hope my Dad never finds this. My arm aches, and Jeremy wants me to pay attention.

Making tea in your underwear

I had to face two big issues today. The first being my festering period, it's so annoying and achey. The other were bills! Bills that had been festering around the flat because they weren't actually addressed to us, but to our Landlord so I thought it would be rude to open them. I tried to resolve this by putting all the unwanted mail in the mail area, I got told off "mew...code of conduct...dispose of or resend..." and as I don't know the addresses of festering Mr and Mrs Nurse I decided to chuck them.

The mail I got today for William Bowker said Chester Cunty Council on the envelope so I thought I would browse the letter before chucking it. BAM pay 100 pounds in one week or we'll increase it to 700 ;)

But I've rang them and explained everything...can't wait for uni. Can't wait to write about exciting days, can't wait to go out! Getting hair sorted next Wednesday, don't know whether to try something new...or continue with the plan of growing it long. My hairs been alright this way though, not many split ends and I don't have to spend loads of time on it before going out. Just depends on whether I get a massive brainwave with a fantastic idea before then. Fingers crossed I don't! Ha

If you want to use my body go for it

Times are a-changing. I've moved from home, with a man! Heading for University to study for a few more years until I find something else more fulfilling.

I'm sitting down here...

So, basically, I have just finished the two A2 exams that I am ever going to participate in. And I did them so well and I am so proud.

And so fucking happy that I will never have to do anything again and that for the next months of my life I can sit in the sun and catch a tan.

However, there is a downfall towards this new celebration. Basically, when I was in the exam all my friends decided to fuck off down town so I am now on a computer in college. In the fucking library. I am certainly not happy with this. Actually never had this situation before and I hope I never have to experience it again! Just boredom with actually no idea on what to do or where to even do it.

Poor blog, I just abuse you when I have nothing better to do. Unlucky

Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?

Whatever will be, will be. The futures not ours to see. I am coming to the end of an era, with the next era unknown. Should I go for the experience? Or just fester. I need education to have a good time, I like following papers and being told what to do. The life of cleaning is just not for me. Won't tell Daddy that just yet though.

I met the love of my life, the whole 30 seconds where we gazed into eachothers eyes was the most special moment of my life. Shame it was cut so short by some rowdy boys who liked to bop to "Taper Jean Girl". Everytime I hear that song now I fear the crush.

I must not be like my sister, I must pay interest to the other, I should talk to the other and I should visit the final one. I wish I did what I planned to, otherwise I would be more than successful. I would probably be ruling the world.

I ain't moving in the right direction

Something ain't right...

Sex? Tomorrow?
Please!

It's Christmas time, there's no need to be afraid

So I'm always on about how my friends are fucking me about when it comes to guys. I get some alcohol down me and I'm doing the same. Whore.

I can't believe how well things could have gone, and how embarrassing some things could be. Remind me never to do that again. So, today I have the first appointment of many in order to grow up successfully. I have a wall with many post its on, not a single one has been brought down yet! Oh right, doing quite well then. Should be able to take one or two down today.

Another uni has got back to me, I don't have a clue if they've accepted me or not. Would be nice. Obviously...another post it on the wall. I really hope he meant what he said.

Be careful what you put them through

I love people talking about my sex life at the table. Oh right, broke your figer did ya? I was told that I'm perfect today. Not paranoid, pathetice or petty.

Friends are quality

I can be brown, I can be blue...

It's amazing how people care if you don't quite look like your usual self. I'm just a little tried, watched a bit of a film in my lesson and it was pretty interesting, shame my eyelids were constantly closing throughout the hour.

Spent an hour of my time doing my psychology homework, turns out I didn't do the right bit. Cheers. If I fail to do my homework one more time I will be put on a contract. That's what I like. Going to uni Valentines Day, already got myself a boyfriend.

I've planned my little old life out already

All I ever want is so far gone

It's amazing what can happen if you do something different with your hair, or if you consume some alcohol.

I have no idea why I fall in love with actually everyone when I'm pissed. I look back on the night now, and I think...for fat snakes. I am going to have to face some of those people tonight, and I can imagine the embarrassment already.

Naw...but, it should be good. Can't wait to dress like Baby

Runaway from all your boredom

So a good start to the new year dosn't seem so far away. Another 18th gone, another dance to Come on Eileen has passed. I can't believe how I can actually allow myself to like my friends boyfriend. Clearly, what am I thinking? But he doesn't make the dream seem so far out of reach, which worries me.

Nothing will happen though. Which is good, and which also sucks, because I doubt I could ever find a more perfect match. Naw.

This Friday should sort me out, get my brain in the correct gear. Oh right, going insane am I? I most certainly am not. But I fear that a good ol' friend of mine may be, what a festering family she has. She wouldn't believe she was 18...

It's a race, a race for rats, a race for rats to die.

Can't you see that I'm full of lies?

I keep going back to old habits. Some are life threatening.But, doesn't that add a little spice to things? I sounds strange.

I'm gonna let it out, and do my thang. A boom-boom-boom and a bang-bang-bang

So, I am stranded in this new year of 2007. I am loveless, jobless, moneyless. but I have friends and I am forever free! Hmmm...they don't really compare. So I'm stuck inn photography, with actually nothing to do. I just overheard someone say to the teacher that they've done 1, 2, 3 and 4. 4?! I thought there was only 3! And I haven't even started it yet! I don't know what the title is and what to do for it, so I shall just take my trusty camera to my best friends boyfriends eighteenth birthday party and leave it on a table somewhere so I can fucking boogie.

I've been looking forward to this night for the last week or so. I hope he comes. In more ways than one

Imagine there's no heaven

26 days without being intoxicated by nicotine. I am so proud. So today, I woke up late, still so tired. My tiredness is probably why I am so emotional today.

Friends are strange things. I've learnt today who my real ones are.

You can do without hate

I actually don't know where I stand with anyone right now. I have had such a lack of sleep recently I want to crawl into a hole to either cry or die. I haven't got my christmas presents sorted, and the people who I have to get them for, well, I don't want to get them one.

My friends are being wankers, leading them to not be my friends. I fucking hate bisexuals, they're so festering. I know that I'll be sorted out by next week, and I don't care if I'm not; for I won't have to see them! I swear, if she does one more thing to me...one more thing, I'll actually kill myself.

I have tree trunk legs, and I now know that all my potential lovers will pick up on this. I'm actually screwed.

It's a Friday and I have nothing planned. 14th day without a fag! Woo...go team Jessy!

I'll pretend that I'm kissing the lips I am missing

Isn't it completely absurd how one day can seem to be the worst possible one that you are ever to face, and then it is followed by one that is so fanbloodytastic, that you regret the thought of suicide.

Both of my emotional days were influenced by boys. The day before, because of the lack of one, today because of the great friendship certain boys provide me with.

I love friends, and I love the way they are friends with the boy who I want to fall in love with. A singer? Gorgeous!


Thoughts of living through G.C.S.E's were not around when I was younger. I am now in my final year of studying A-Levels, and applying to a university. The beautiful boy, Singer, is destined to go to Camebridge. Don't I feel intimidated? I shouldn't too much, as not a lot will happen. But I do want it to. I certainly do.

Reminds me of childhood memories, when everything was fresh as a bright blue sky

So, today has been surreal. First off I have a conversation with someone as if we are breaking up, it actually made me want to cry. It was sweet though, and it has made me believe that he is possibly one of the greatest people I have ever met.

To overcome the sadness, I decided to light up a cigarette, as I walked back into my house I noticed a familiar torso walk outside my house, it was Alex Smeeth of course, so I called him right on over.

Bear in mind, I have no make up on, hair untouched from the night before and still in my pyjamas...he said to ignore what he was wearing, I gestured to my outfit. He sat down on my garden wall and asked me what my plans for tonight were, then asked if I had a boyfriend, after telling me that my hair looked good.

As he walked off, with his curry sauce (which he mentioned wasn't tasty), he said he would give me a shout on the way back from his girlfriends...and then shouted chickens.

After 5 years, I still fucking love that guy

People say that your dreams are the only things that save you

I keep biting the nail varnish off my nails, this is bad as they no longer look pretty and they are also cracking. I've had less of a good day then I thought I was going to have, but I suppose there are still thigns to write in the old diary about.

I really hope that no guys ever read my diary, it would actually be the most embarrassing thing in the world, excluding seeing a friends parent bending over, naked, in the bathroom. Ha. Unlucky, Lettie.

So, I was thinking. If you scare your son and your daughter, who can't you scare?

You sit there in your heartache

I'm waiting on many beautiful boys to save me from my old ways. I don't smoke throughout the week and I'm loving how shit works, ya'know.

Standing at the edge of the cliff...

Oh man, I'm so pissed off with everything. I want to drive, have a boyfriend, have a job and buy clothes whenever I feel or think about it.

I don't have a best friend either, I need someone next to me, and it just sucks knowing that I don't have anyone.

I think I've fallen in love with my best friend (ha, contradicting yaself are ya?) and that just isn't going to work out, and the other guy I think I have fallen in love with lives millions and trillions of billions of miles away from me.

Don't ever think, ever think, ever think too much...

It's 5 o'clock on a Friday morning

Not really, it's later than that. I slept a fantastic 15 hours last night, it was very much appreciated. In more ways than one. The first being that I was knackered, the second being that it made me miss a meal, skinny Jess manages to return again.

I am waiting for my mother to return from Church with my breakfast cereal, "Golden Nuggets; they're honey crunching good!". After I've eaten that, I shall depart to my friends house to talk about nothing important at all. I've fallen in love with another of my college tutors. I'm also finding it hard due to the lack of meisters this year, leading me to admiring the boys of the younger age. Paedophilism is fun, not. No it isn't, you dirty fuckers.

Oh man, I'm listening to Little Chris...and I love it

I can see you, but I can never reach you

Well, well, well no August posts is it? I've been a rather busy little girl. In that space I've managed to completely fuck my life up. Ok, not as bad as I make out, just got a U instead of a rather desired E. I'll miss the embarrassing moments with Shaun, and staring at the beautiful boys.

Blaine Wickett talks to me on msn, he just called me Dickweed. I love chaps like that, almost as much as I love how thin I am today. I was completely off my trotters last night, throwing up all over the place. But man, I'm looking pretty hot, so I'm going to celebrate and go to Crockfest, not drinking though. I'm having a "I'm never going to drink again" day, my stomach must be fucked up, my trousers are stinky with splat marks and my throat hurts due to basically coughing up what was left in my gut as there was no more liquid.

Man, I hate it when that happens, don't drink vodka Jess, it does this to you every single time. But hey, it's fun getting that way!

Must dash, potatoes to cook, men to fuck. Ha, I'm completely kidding. Audi TT driver :) xxx

The picture to the left was labelled "sex!" in my picture file...

You're going mad, perhaps you always were?

The sun is out, and possibly burning all surviving skin cells in my body. But at least I'll be all chocolatey by the end of the day. I'm hanging in my room, with The Streets playing nice and loud with the windows open. The golfers are probably jamming, I shall have a sniff...
Oh, there appear to be none, that's a turn for the books.

So, college is over and I have weeks and weeks of nothing to do. I have applied for a job at trusty Morrisons, I can't wait to stack those shelves and tell people where the Beef Jerky is. I was speaking to someone the other day, they told me about the time when they ate Turkey Jerky. Imagine how rancid it would be.

Club Molotov is a hit. The Fen Tigers played on Thursday, that made my day. Hanging out with Russ and his gorgeous little friend was the cherry on top of a huge cake with very sweet icing. Also, the "nickname" for the club is now Club Molly. How fucking sexy is that? Almost as sexy as Molly's Chambers, and that's sexy. Man, I have to become a regular, and smoke cigarettes through that long tube thing whilst wearing red. I shall become Molly.

Arms are aching and I'm being picked up around 4. Good times to roll on.

My heart is yours; it's you that I hold on to

What an utterly shit day. Completely bored and with nothing to do, but eat. I've finally worked out who my fitties are, and boy, this summer is going to be exciting.

I think I have one for each lesson, which should bring happiness and fulfillment to my days at college. Also, I might also get that glimpse from those familiar beady eyes which always appear completely out of knowhere, and keep me in wonder for the rest of the day.

So, tonight, staying in on a Friday night. Gone insane have you? Hell...no. I've just got no money and so much bov. I've been telling everyone that tonight I have a date, what I didn't tell them is that it is with my television. Suckers...at least now I seem like a stud. Party tomorrow night, so I'm not as lame as I thought. Go Team Rocket.

You telling me that I'm your Queen?

I am really brown, with long nails. What is going on? If the cellulite didn't exist I might even be beautiful. I love it when something fantastic occurs with the opposite sex, and for the rest of the day all you can think about is that thing, and what will happen tomorrow because of it.

Being smitten is probably the best feeling in the world, I bet guys don't ever feel the same way, I feel so privilegged to be female. Other moments I love are when you think that there is no way in hell that it will happen, and then it does. Just the way you would want it to. Finally, I think my favourite moments overall have to be the ones where you say to yourself: "if this happens, it's because he wants me". Then they totally happen, it's good.

I am currently listening to a song which sounds as though people are on a chariot in the desert and chasing Indians or something. It's good, and it is growing on me. I wonder if anything with Mr Smitten is going to happen today. I hope it does, because it has so far this weekend. Haha, I didn't put a space between the "far" and "this" and it said fart...

Happy Birthday Tabby, for the other day :), you are now one step closer to Adulthood...

I'll give you a race

Sleep on that floor, dream about me

Today I got a free day to the seaside. Complete with swimming, bathing, arcades and ice cream.

After my friend, Janine, purchased an ice cream, she walked down a slope. As she walked she tripped, fell, rolled then threw the ice cream in front of her. I had to walk straight pasther, and not help her up. This was clearly the funniest thing I had seen for a long time, I needed to laugh without her seeing me. It didn't work, because she heard me.

What's brown and floats? A brown boat.

We all went in the turquoise coloured sea, it was ever so chilly, but perfectly gorgeous. As was the day. We got out and bathed, after doing crazy dancing and throwing sand all over the place. I made friends with a girl called Hollie, we started talking about how I used to care about my breast size, so she made me some from the sand, what a sweet, sweet girl...

Got the bus back, swealtering, like a hot thing. Saw an old man loose his hat, that was amusing too.

I can't wait for tonight, it feels like a date, but it's with Tab.

Oh I said it would be perfect and it happened so it was perfect. I love you

Got to see you one last night

Don't I look a dish

This week break was supposed to be when I revised anything and everything I know about philosophy, and on the Friday night I have decided to revise.
My mum is out in town, ready to get my "revision cards" and paper pad, I can't wait, it's weird. I can't handle another drinking night, in which I have to wake up early. I slept about 48 hours yesterday, obviously that's a lie, but the sweat on the back of my neck made me reach this conclusion...so...here is what I have been doing the last week:

Sunday - William Braund's 20th Birthday
I was supposed to go to Lettie's, but I couldn't get hold of her, then I got a phonecall from Jeremy saying it was Will's birthday party at The Countryman, so I went.

This is Jeremy and I, after he had been calling the Polish Barmaid Banana. I don't think she appreciated it all that much, however. I did compliment on her fantastic eyeshadow. It was two-toned.

And to the right is Will and I. I'm glad this photo was taken, and I am glad I didn't stay over his as planned. We both clearly knew nothing would happen, it was just the scary thought of having to share with his brother, Beanie. He is named Beanie for a reason; he's actually Mr Bean. Perverted noises and all.

So, I managed to get home that night. Pissed as a coot. I went to sleep, and awoke, and went to Becky's.

Monday - Session with Rebecca Parnell

I got the bus up, after a mission and a half, no exageration. We got there and we went straight out, after changing into dresses and boots. We went to such a beautiful destination, I'm so glad that photos were taken. We found a swastika on the floor...that was after Becky had to retreat to another part of the bridge and a woman walked past, and I was laughing hysterically, and then a little boy swore at us when he walked past with his mum...strange.

We came home and watched Big Brother

Tuesday - Barnstaple with Pat and crew

Yeah, alright, so I was supposed to go to Fran's, but she cancelled. So I decided to join Becky when she had planned to visit her boyfriend. Scott, Josh and Itchy were there too. It was fun. Came home and met Tabby, with her new phone, we retreated to the golf course. And had fun.

Wednesday - the celebration of James Cole's 18th Birthday

I met Tab, with her newly extensionised hair, and we went into town. Made a mistake when I went into Corrin's work; didn't realise she'd be finishing at that time. Got the bus to Becky's, got ready, Janin came and off we went. I drank, I danced, I sang and I smoked. However, I didn't sleep.

Thursday - Jess's catch up on sleep day

Finally got home, went to sleep. Woke up to watch Big Brother. Slept again. Woke up to watch Big Brother again. Slept for a furthur 12 hours...

Friday - Revision day

I am going to have a bath, go to Pig's and revise. I might end up going out with Corrin tonight, see how things go. Thank you.

Strain this chaos; turn it into light

I am bored, with a week of nothing ahead of me. I need to find a date for Wednsday night, preferrably male, small and brown. If I hadn't smoked those 4 cigarette's on Friday night, it would have been over a week of non-smoking. I didn't have any yesterday though, and I'm not planning on having any tonight.

For fat snakes, nape. I like him

I can feel my world crumbling

So, considering I am currently experiencing a weekend, I can't say that I'm particularly too happy with it. My nose is the sorest thing in the world, I have used around 2 toilet paper rolls on it in the last 2 minutes, it just won't stop pouring the liquid out. However, due to this illness I have finally managed to complete my lace project. I am impressed with it, and I shall show you a wee snippit of the big bastard. It included 2 images, which were found on google. Here is the conclusion:


Conclusion
So, after all the research and information I have managed to collect, I have reached a conclusion on where I would like to be in the distant future. The job of a journalist sounded the least fun out of the three, and I am a thrill-seeker so I don't think journalism will be my dream career. The job of the novelist did sound quite exciting, I could write about everything and anything to my hearts content, but then I would have to hope that people would buy and love it. I would then feel under a lot of pressure when I released the next hit novel. Maybe a one-off book would be more appropriate, when I'm working as a lawyer earning £1,000,000 a month when I'm not writing about the little things in life which made it into a big deal. Which yes, does mean I have reached to my favourite out of the three jobs; music journalism. I love music, and the idea of being able to watch it live, write and about it, and be respected about your opinions on it after excite me a lot. Music and writing are probably my favourite aspects of my life, excluding alcohol, drugs and sex. But, I don't want to end up having a profession in them...so music criticism it is. I am aware of the unpredictable amounts of money, and I may "never make it". However, it looks as though I may possibly end up working for that Mr. Morrison to gain the mass amounts of money, that's when I'm not jamming at the latest Kings of Leon gig, completely off my face on heroin. Only kidding.

I'm pretty happy with that. So, know we all know what I'm going to become, lets just see who's comes into the future with me and makes my children.

Stop! It's too late; I'm feeling frustrated

So, last night consisted of vodka, a lot of sick, losing various types of footwear, regret and sex. I sound like such a stud, but it wasn't I who recieved the slap and tickle, no, I just had to stay at the house, in the fucking next room.

He gave me a lift home in the morning though, so it wasn't too bad. And as a nice surprise I found two of my friends asleep in my bed, shame they wasn't male, but...what can you do?

So, Becky and I came back from what I think was a fantastic day at college. Only because my dreams had finally became true, I had to shatter them in the night...it just doesn't matter anymore. I prepared our meal which was rice and salad. We got a taxi to Corrin's, I tried to make conversation but he wasn't having any of it. But, he did try to be humourous at the end of the journey, telling me it would cost £430. I just replied with "Oh right".

Drank, talked about Dave, talked about Karen and talked about Ben. When does a night go without the talk of these two wonderful people? Yes, two, Dave; you are a twat! Anyway, we were dancing and the taxi was due in about 15 minutes. I ran to the toilet and just threw up, around three times. I haven't thrown up due to alcohol in a long time, I was surprised. We entered the taxi, I was spinning and it was an incredibly blurry journey. We got into town and went to the Carriers and sat with Glen.

Do you think I was happy with shaking Danny Scott-Cummings hand or what? After throwing up around another 5 times in the Carriers toilets...Me, Pig, Mon and Becky had decided to get into Kazbar. Of course, Becky and I were rejected, so we headed down to Summerleaze beach to see if any of the meisters, fitties or cuteguys had arrived.

They hadn't, but...Russell was there, and he told me how him and Smeeth had discussed how funny I was and how much they missed me. It made my night. Janine texted me so Becky and I wondered back into town to meet her. There was this beautiful guy, the conversation went like this:

Me: I hope you're not urinating
Bloke: Nah I'm not
Bloke: Just tell me if the coppers come, I don't want to pay an £80 fine
Me: It's alright, they drove past just before you came out
Bloke 2: So whats the fastest way to get to Kazbar?
Me: Just go down there
Bloke 2: The one with the blue lights?
Me: Yes
Bloke: You fancy coming ladies?
Me: We've already tried! They wouldn't let us in
Bloke: Why's that?
Me: We're only 17
Bloke: Alright then, well have a good night
Me and Becky: AND YOU!

After that we heard this couple having a fight, the geezer came over, I asked if he was alright, he called his girlfriend a twat. His mate came over, he had a laugh with us, then the girlfriend came over, she was a little scary but she was friendly so it was ok. Then the police came to sort them out, it was then that the girl went all weird and started shouting at me and Becky because she thought we were laughing at them.

Janine came and we ran to the beach, we got there and there was not many people left. So we chatted with the people who were there, then Corrin rang so she came down with some cool people.

I got a piggyback from Phil, he totally wanted me. If only he fucking remembered everything I said. I must have told him my name about 5 times. He called me Sarah and Cara one time. But, he had remembered it towards the end of the night. So, Janine and Becky got a taxi back to mine as Becky had lost her flip flops. Me, Corrin, Aaron, Woodhouse and Phil went to Aaron's. Woodhouse soon left, I don't know what he had to do but it sounded important. I like him, we had a chat about my sister, Lisa, he was in her year at school. Corrin and Aaron went to bed, so I went to the spare room, I was secretly hoping for him to come upstairs...but I heard the front door shut.

Woke up at half 6, got a lift back and had doritoes for breakfast.

What a life I lead

Beautiful Dawn lights up the shore for me

I have been finding life extrememly satisfying recently. With the return to college I have lots of things to do, and lots of people to talk to. It's great being busy, but it's also great coming home and relaxing. This is my fourth day without a cigarette, I'm really quite impressed with myself.

I love the way it is becoming summer, I would never usually just grab beach stuff, a camera and a friend and trundle on to the beach, but that was a great day spent well.

I actually feel in love, that's how nice it is. People laying about in the sun, girls wearing pretty skirts, hair blowing in the wind, coffee outside.

I ruin it all by stalking the people laying about in the sun, wearing skirts which reveal my knees which are heavily complimented with cellulite, dyed yellow hair festering in the wind and spitting my coffee from my mouth when I'm drinking outside due to my funny friends.

Life is good, motherfuckers x

Gotta change my answering machine, now that I'm alone

So this week has been nice, I've managed to circulate all my friends and it's been good having a break from wanting all these men. They seriously do my head in, I've watched two films about men and relationships; Alfie and Hitch. Those guys seem so perfect, why can't that happen in real life?
I want a knight in shining armour to come and whisk me away. I want my dreams to come true. This is such a cheesey post! It's a cry for help, ok?

I do hope I manage to get to the party tonight, if I don't then I'll have fun at home though. I think I have some guys I need to see to...

Did you lose yourself somewhere out there? Did you get to be a star?

I am currently round Pig's, listening to the Goo Goo Dolls, and it feel so great to finally be reunited with my long-missed friends.



Today was surprisingly fun, I know what I'm feeling now. And I feel bad about it, but I can't help the way I'm feeling. It's worse for me, but I don't want it to be bad...
I have the best interests at heart.

It's lonely where you are come back down...please, come back down.

Pump it...louder!

I knew that my cello player would see me this morning. The text and enthusiasm to see the picture of the gollywog surprised me. He always manages to do that. I love it.

I felt like I have socialised a considerable amount today., I love those looks I get off that tall, dark and rather delicious stranger. It's so crazy how everyone can see it too, they must be so jealous.

I told my philosophy teacher that I thought arrogance was a vice. I only said this to spite the guy who has stolen my love. Although, it now appears, that my love has turned out to be of arrogance himself, which is not what I thought of him when we first exchanged words.

It's funny how things turn out; I've been waiting to poo all day long, literally all day, I'm home now, and have been for 2 hours, and still haven't been.

I'm surprised about the lack of turtle head...

Now touch me babe, can't you see that I am not afraid?

So, a night of attempted sleep, which was failed, miserably. I have now returned home with a titanic list of things to do. I will start off with a nice few hours of blissful sleep, this is always good for my amazing imagination to think of the most beautiful things in the world. Such as those gorgeous males you see walking around college, completely oblivious to your deepest, inner most thoughts about them.
When I wake, I shall put my cd on loud, and allow Pete Doherty's great and dance-causing melodies to play loudly throughout my house, forcing my father to listen to the works of a heroin addict who his youngest daughter is completely overwhelmed by.
I shall dance and tidy my room as I do so, to make it a nice environment for the next action...
To write about all my beautiful creations! Yes, Graphic Design coursework is due tomorrow. It should be quite easy.
I shall then do my law homework to the best of my ability, after getting a "U" in the exam, I think I should start putting more effort in. But hey, it was the highest "U" in the class...It seems like pretty easy work, so should be rather easy and not time-consuming. I shall then have a bath, so I am clean. I will then arrange my things for tomorrow, and sleep deeply whilst thinking about that gorgeous college guy again...

What a great day this shall be. And, I have found some great new songs.

I wish I knew how it would feel to be free

I am so bored. So uninspired. I've got no thoughts to build upon. No guys to build thoughts upon. I feel emotionally drained.

I'm back on the block like a man on the street

So. Today was the first day in a while where I have been so the opposite of happy! I think I got the negative vibes from my dream that I had the previous night. Also, the bang on the head on the bus was not only embarrassing, but a little hurtful...

I got a U in my law exam, that sucks...but what can you do? I've got no guys on the scene. I feel like the fattest single girl in the world, and that's a horrible feeling. But, Adam's party...

I'll be ready

So, it is the final day of my half term, and I have, yet again, left all my homework until the last minute. Due to the disasterous hair colouring which occured only but two days ago, I must re-colour it tonight. A blond again, of course :)

So yes, this blog entry is distract me from writing about Law Commission. I have so much to do tonight. I really want to get the two law pieces done, I must dye my hair, I must watch "Just The Two Of Us" at 8 and then "100 Greatest Funny Moments" at 9, probably ending with a bath later. So ideally, I would like the law work to be finished by 7. That means I have around 3 and a half hours. However, I appear to not hold the motivation. Instead I am listening to remixes of the Baywatch themetune, visualising in my head beautiful (blond) girls running along the beach with sand in between their clothes.

My arm aches, perhaps I shall "continue" with the law work in about half an hour. I really wish I was determined...

Hey, don't write yourself off yet

So after a week of near enough cleaning, no sleep and a lot of socialisation, my hair is slightly lighter, I owe a lot of money to a friend and there are 3 piles of dog shit in my front room.

It's been fun. My plans for today are to clean the entire house one last time, before my family return and ruin it all for me, then to clean myself and then perhaps have a night filled with dancing, alcohol and laughing. Weekends are always fun. I must also write in my diary, haven't done that since Sunday. I'm so lame!

I actually want to go back to college, I'm bored of cleaning and doing nothing. Although this last week has actually been really fun...

I don't feel like I can write today. Got things to do and my thumb is cold.

Smell ya later

So baby don't feel no pain, just smile back

On a brighter note...

I had a bath with the door open :)

We all know how much Jess loves that

I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now

So, I can tell my parents have gone away.
I know this because I have been cleaning, it's been fun, actually. I can also tell that I haven't been out in a while as I am using envelopes as rizlas. No one will come over to my house! What have I done to deserve friends that aren't friends?
HA, I'm only joking, Pig; you cunt.

You know you broke my heart

This is a picture my friend took and edited.
I think it looks gorgeous.
And of course, I was the model.
Here is what my eye looks like normally.
Thought I'd leave my face in, as it's nice.

I look so dazed, so happy

And then here's the eye

And then here's me.
Looking REALLY happy.
Because I was happy. I love friends.

No, no I don't know the German guy in front of me.

I guess it didn't turn out that way

Well, the post last night has been confirmed. No lucky thing number 3 for Jess this year. I am going to a friends house today, to have a nice chat about life, well, probably not but we shall more than likely talk. If his brother is there, that's just a bonus.

I am hoping that the favourite of my chums will shortly join us, then we can go and do our thing whilst the first friend decides to work.

In the mean time, I have to trundle on to his house in my new shoes, which are currently causing great pain. Care to see my outfit?

Well yes. I had a very vivid dream about one of the guys in my philosophy class. He told me he loves Sarah. I wonder if I am to tell her that I dreamt this. That guy is nice, by the way, he noticed it was my birthday and so he tried to make it better.

I love people like that.

She came from Greece she had a thirst for knowledge...

Wow! So yes mate, I am finally 17.
2 things have gone well for me this year. People say good things occur in 3's, will I be in luck? More than likely not, it depends what happens tonight.

Wanna sleep with common people, you wanna sleep with common people...like me?

I've had a really good day. I'm just content as I am. Until I go to sleep, because that is when I have time to think about things. Damn you brain, for infesting my mind with bullshit.

You'll never watch your life slide out of view, and dance, and drink, and screw...because there's nothing left to do.

I've got law homework to do. I had something lovely to write, I cannot think of what it is. Shall have to write more soon x

You can tell everybody, this is your song

Wow. So a weekend of actually being off my face. It has to be put though, as it is one of the greatest times of my life, so far anyway.
Friday night I was soooooo drunk. I was so happy to hear The Bucket. It was oh-so-fabulous.
Saturday I stayed with Tab and got fucked, that was so great, I came home at 9:30p.m and then just slept.
Today I met up with Janin. I'm giving up smoking today, I don't need one yet, but I am so bored. Walked around lots today, been on the computer now for quite a while. My muscles are all so achey. Gah...

Born To Be Wild

|So, today I discovered two moustaches drawn on my faces. Cheers.

The flashlights. And explosions

So, a week that I would describe as "rather shit" has been followed with one that I would describe as "ace in the face". I'm having such a good time at the moment.

I have discovered what I would like to do in further life; write. About anything and everything and how I view the world. Just doing it makes me happy, it's either writing or talking to myself. I shall choose the first option.

I cannot wait to experience certain things in life others have chosen to take for granted. Such as watching a favourite band live. I cannot wait for the time of Reading to arrive.

I stink of Asti, I popped the cork lastnight and it decided to spill all down me and into my friends shoe. Ha ha.

Well, I'm loving my split-end-free hair at the moment.

Excellent. Mother is calling

It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else

When I was walking home from the bus stop this evening, I had to walk past the bus station. I had my music on, so I didn't hear the bus reversing. And then I did. So then I had to run, and then I twisted my ankle. So I limped.

All the while this fitty of a guy was watching me.

I cut and dyed my hair today. You can't see the dye, but you can smell it!

I just know that your life is going to change, gonna get a little further

So. Two months.

It's gone so slowly. I have learnt to appreciate things more, and I'm so glad that my experiences are now more intense.

So, my seventeenth birthday is upon me soon. I have no plans as of yet, I was going to make a hash cake and have 17 joints on top as if they were candles, might still do that but shall have to see what is to happen.

I have definately decided to become a writer, it's just where to go to after college. I have chose the completely wrong subjects for what I want. But it was fun all the worth while, I guess the courses now give me something to write about.

Not that I could possibly ever run out.

Becky is staying over tomorrow. It shall be so much fun. My room is actually done now, everything is in place. Apart from my bus pass, must find that. Corrin shall be attending college soon again so I shall have to give hers up.

I scratched my back a while ago, and my wrist kept clicking. It was strange as I thought it was going to break, but there was no pain. And now, it just aches.

Runaway train, never going back.

I can't wait to grow old and explore and stuff. I want my life to be one that everyone else envies. Sometimes, I am so impressed with my life, and other times I think, shit you God. You shit.

But I shouldn't talk to myself.

102 Dalmations

How evil are you?

Wait Mr Postman

I found this song in my sisters file. I love and miss her very much. The other night I had a dream about her, the whole family were sat around the table. Even Karen. I turned to her and said: "This is so nice, Karen, we should do this more often". Last night I had a dream that she was standing at my bedroom door. I was crying and begged her to watch over me. She replied with: "I always do".

I regret not realising how nice she was until she was gone. I regret not going downstairs and wishing her luck for her first, and last, ever drive in her car, I could hear the excitement in her voice, and I was torn between going downstairs or staying upstairs, I chose the latter...I regret not sleeping with her the last night. But the last two days with her were so nice, I wouldn't change them, for the world.

So, this is my last post within the year 2005. Happy New Year guys.

Everytime I scratch my nails down someone elses back I hope you feel it

I am unwritten, can't read my mind. I'm undefined. I'm just beginning, the pens in my hand...

Ending unplanned.

I'm having a good time on msn, will post another day

I'm Luke, I'm 5 and my dad's Bruce Lee, Drives me around in his JCB

Merry Christmas folks. This year has been different, but still rather fun none the same. Grandma has gone, Monica and Mark are due tomorrow.

I love this JCB song, the guy is stunning with a stunning voice. I've decided I would like to be a writer. I would use this as a way to write, but I'm a little nervous about someone I know reading it, as if I was to declare my love for someone, or simply slag someone off.

I can't believe my friend is so obsessed with this man, she actually believes she is in love with him. She has bought certain things which contain an image of a Winnie The Pooh character, because that is her ex-boyfriends nickname.

We saw his best mate last night, and he was telling us how Tigger doesn't actually like Little Miss Obsessed. I feel bad, but she should get over him by herself, and not to be told that. But what can I do?

She always plays the songs which were played at my sisters funeral, does she not even care?

Gah, I love Lucy. It was so good talking to her lastnight, she completely understands. I love talking.

And thinking.

And writing, perhaps a little too much.

But when I see them on the street they've got nothing to say

Today I woke up early, and my friends thought it was hilarious that I had puffy eyes and the greasiest hair in the world, so greasy I could more than likely fry chips on it.
So I added lots of mousse, to make it look like I had put mousse in it, and therefore it was not greasy. But that plan failed, as it still looked really greasy.

So I eventually came home, shouted at my mother down the phone as I had tried to open the door with the wrong key as I am just stupid.

I then cleaned myself and (finally) my room. It looks rather spectacular. I am quite a spectacular person, and strong, I believe.

Your tears will dry, you'll soon be free to fly. I am suffering so badly to boredom. And tomorrow I have my first ever filling, this has annoyed me for two reasons;

1. I can no longer go to Barnstaple with Janin and Becky
2. I am so scared
3. I may have to go through it alone

But, I suppose, it had to come some day.

If I use that attitude throughout my life, I would have a really shit one. I should be allowed to write. I love writing you know, could you have guessed? I'm really missing Tab. It's probably because I'm listening to old cds, and she's always been there to listen to them with me.

But, what can you do? Times are a-changing and I'm not.

I always complain about this, but I guess it is something that is always pissing me off. Lets just hope Christmas is good this year.

Overandout

You love my lady lumps

I feel so ill and tired and generally rough. I haven't eaten a proper meal for a week or so now, so I am quite relieved that I shall be eating a roast dinner soon. I have nothing interesting to say, I am just so bored it's unbelievable.

So, it's been a month since Karen was buried. That means I haven't seen her for 29 days. I hate it when I think in this way, but I just can't help it. I'll figure it all out in my head later, or at least to try to reach to some kind of conclusion.

Thank you for sticking around

I love Toby, like... for evar...


You can tell it's Christmas when that lovely Coca Cola advert comes on...

Happy Birthday Jenny.

My Hate List

It's going to be like the poem from the film "Ten Things I Hate About You", only it will more than likely be more than ten things and it isn't about a guy I have fallen for after he was paid to take me out so a guy could seduce my little sister. I know this because I haven't got a little sister, but here it goes anyway:

• It is freezing outside
• I have lost circulation in the top of my middle finger on my left hand
• I am wearing a stupidly small skirt
• I am not wearing a coat
• I am wearing a scarf which I got when I was about eleven and it hardly fits around my hench neck
• I haven't got a lesson, hence why I am in the study centre writing on my blog
• I am alone
• Janin hasn't came into college yet
• I have to tell her later I forgot her weed
• My arm is starting to ache
• I can't think of more things to write
• Craig took the headphones off me this morning
• Ben doesn't text me back (cunt)
• And that's about it